Coming Home to Roost
by Shade
Summary: Marriage is between a Man and a Woman and a Woman and a Woman.
1. All Fucked Up and Nowhere to Go

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

-----------------------------------------  
Prologue: All Fucked Up and Nowhere to Go  
-----------------------------------------

It all started with a letter.

The plain yellow envelope was delivered in the afternoon and picked up along with the rest  
of the mail by Kasumi Tendo. Seeing that it was addressed to the younger of their two houseguests,  
she took it into the room that the Saotomes used as their own. There she found Ranma lying  
on the floor, dozing off into his textbook assignment.

Shaking her head in amusement, she bent down to gently shake his shoulder.

One eye sleepily cracked halfway open as she made contact.

"Geh...Kasumi? What is it?"

"There's a letter here for you, Ranma."

Groaning slightly, the pigtailed young man stretched out on his arms and legs, joints popping  
slightly as he shook his head like a long eared dog to pull himself into full awareness.

"Thanks Kasumi. It's probably another challenge from Ryoga or something like that."

Still yawning into one hand, he reached out and took the proffered envelope with  
the other. Using his index fingernail, he slit it open and slid out the folded  
letter inside.

Opening it up, he started scanning it without much interest.

Kasumi first realized that something was wrong when she noticed that Ranma seemed  
to have turned to stone, his features a ghostly grey white and his entire body frozen  
stiff in place. Bulging eyes communicated a terror far beyond mere words and for  
a few seconds she was certain that he was going to faint dead away.

"Is something wrong," she asked hesitatingly.

Slowly signs of life returned to Saotome's still pale features.

"I'm doomed," he whispered in a tone devoid of all hope or thought of escape.

After all, where could he run to? They'd simply track him down again and just be  
in a worse mood when they finally got a hold of him. It was the kind of moment  
where one typically requires the entrance of a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Ranma's father Genma walked in instead.

"What's the matter with you, boy? You look like something the cat dragged in."

It was a testament to just how badly he was shaken that Ranma didn't even flinch  
at the mention of the dreaded creature.

"They've found us."

"What, those stupid bill collectors again? What have I told you before, boy?  
It's fast or it's free when it comes to dining out."

Ranma shook his head in exasperated negation.

"No Pops, you don't understand. They found us."

He shot his father a meaningful look. Slowly the light of comprehension began  
to dawn on the older man's face. His face paled to match that of his son's.

"Oh Hell."

Yeah, that about summed it up for the two of them.

Genma wasted no time after that. He pulled his worn backpack out and started  
shoveling in all the basic necessities for life on the road.

"Hurry up, Ranma. We can be out of the city and in the mountains training  
by nightfall if we're quick."

When the young man made no move to comply, the older man turned back towards him.

"What are you waiting for! Get a move on," he yelled impatiently.

"They wrote that if either of us runs, we'll get it in the end."

Genma froze as the chill fingers of the Reaper settled on his back.

That was the scary thing about them. When they said something like that,  
they meant it. He hung his head in defeat and abandoned the still open backpack.

"So what are you going to do, boy?"

"I dunno about you, but I'm gonna go and get thoroughly drunk."

"But what good will that do," a bewildered Kasumi finally managed to ask.

"Well it sure as heck can't hurt."

Despite their impending doom, Genma found himself starting to chuckle  
at his son's deadpan tone.

"Sounds like a plan. Let me just call your mother over first and then I'll join you."

Ranma nodded absently as he made a beeline towards the sitting room where Soun kept the good stuff.

---------------------------

"Kasumi, is dinner ready yet?"

Akane and Nabiki paused to kick off their shoes before entering through the front hall.  
It had been a pleasant afternoon devoid of the usual weirdness and violence  
that only seemed to take place when Ranma was around. Of course Akane had yet  
to realize that her older sister had mooched off of her for most of the shopping   
they'd done and was planning on quietly borrowing the rest at the first good opportunity.

The sky was in the final fading stages of reddish twilight, a sharp contrast to the brightly  
lit interior of the house. Both girls were looking forward to a set table and a good  
meal, it was hard work trying on clothes and spending money like it was going out of style.

But to their surprise the dining table was still bare and no delicious smells emanated  
from the direction of the kitchen.

"Kasumi?"

Puzzled, Akane started looking for her older sister to remind her to start cooking  
for them. It was then that she noticed there seemed to be some kind of commotion  
coming from the Saotome's room. As she headed there, the strong odor of heavy duty  
sake mingled with the even smellier aroma of hard liquor hit her in the face like  
a brick wall.

"Ugggh! It stinks!"

Eyes watering, Akane finally managed to slide the door open.

"..."

It was just as bad as she'd feared.

Dozens of empty bottles littered the floor. The culprits responsible for the  
mess were carousing about the room, dancing a jig like they didn't care about  
the spectacle they were making of themselves.

And even worse, they were singing!

_"Down a bottle of the very best,  
Put some hair on that chest.  
Swig it around, don't be late  
Let that whiskey permeate."_

While her fiance's female form had a relatively nice singing voice,  
his male form couldn't carry a tune without shattering it into a million  
pieces. That lack of talent combined with his father's attempt at a duet  
made it an ordeal on par with having one's eardrums scraped raw by bits  
of broken glass soaked in lye.

And Akane could have done without that view of Genma's hairy chest thank you very much!

_"What good are men today,  
Such silly boys who'd rather play.  
But they've a use to be found,  
Just pull their pants to the ground."_

"Ka-Kasumi!"

Akane stared with horrified fascination at the sight of her oldest sister.  
The normally docile young woman's cheeks glowed with the cheerful blush  
of alcohol as she lustily sang one bawdy limerick after another. With her  
normally neatly tied long hair all askew and a scandalous amount of leg  
and cleavage peeping out from her mussed clothing, Kasumi presented the  
very picture of what Akane had always imagined was an "easy girl".

But how had this happened? The eldest Tendo daughter had never done anything  
like this before. Had the pervert taken advantage of her!

The unspoken question as to how Kasumi had arrived at her current state was soon  
answered as Ranma noticed the lack of fermented grain liquid being ingested by  
the singing girl.

Skipping lightly across the room, he snagged one of the few remaining unopened bottles  
on a table and popped off the seal with his thumb. Upon reaching his target Ranma  
hefted the bottle up and slid the dripping neck past her moist pink lips without   
resistance. Kasumi took to it like a baby going after her mother's milk.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Ranma and Genma cheered their compatriot on as before Akane's disbelieving eyes  
the level of liquid in the bottle of 90 proof Taipei rice wine dropped at an  
alarming rate.

When the last drop had been drained away, Kasumi pulled the mouth of the bottle out  
and tilted it neck down over the floor to show that it was empty.

The two males in the room applauded drunkenly.

Flush with this latest infusion of booze, the normally prim and proper housekeeper  
carelessly tossed the empty bottle aside, only Akane's belated diving catch managed to save  
the floor from a shower of broken glass.

Heedless of youngest sister's dramatic save, Kasumi started pulling at her suddenly  
restrictive clothing. Off came her baby chick apron, followed shortly by her top and  
long skirt. Soon she was clad in nothing but a simple pink bra with matching panties  
and a smile. Ranma and Genma roared their approval and then proceeded to catch up  
with the drinking again.

"Kasumi! What are you doing," Akane screamed from her position on the floor.

"Wheeeeeee!"

Getting up on the table, the half-naked Tendo girl proceeded to do her best imitation  
of a French Can-Can. That this routine normally requires a long skirt, petticoats  
and stockings did not impede her attempt in any fashion whatsoever.

At this point the youngest Tendo daughter had finally had enough.

She let the bottle roll out of her hands onto the floor and got to her feet.  
Turning towards the only possible cause for all of this insanity disrupting  
her normal order of things, she grabbed the target of her ire by the collar  
of his shirt and slammed him up against the nearest available wall.

"Alright Ranma, what did you do to my sister!"

"Oh 'Kane, you need a drink too. No time like the present," he hiccuped.

"How dare you get my sister drunk like that!"

"Ah she's having a great time 'r now. Let 'er hair down, be happy," Ranma giggled at that.

Why had he ever stopped drinking in the first place? He'd forgotten how good it felt  
to not have a single care in the world, even in the face of a fate even worse than  
a fate worse then death come tomorrow. Even the scowling features of his violent   
soon to be an ex-fiancee wasn't enough to dampen the alcohol inspired giddiness.  
His father was right after all. Drinking was the solution, not the problem.

"Hey, are you even listening to me!"

Fuck her. Fuck them all. It didn't fucking matter anymore. He was royally fucked anyway.  
It was time to let it all fucking out to Akane. Let her fucking know where she really  
fucking stood with him.

"Hey Akane. I always wanted ta' tell ya-," he murmured softly with a cheerful smile on his face.

Akane blinked in surprise before leaning in closer to hear his words.  
Despite herself, her heart skipped a beat. Could it be, could he actually  
be willing to say what he always refused to when he was sober?

"I really, really..."

"Yes? Go on," she urged him eagerly. Hah! Take that, Ukyo and Shampoo!

Ranma's face suddenly paled. His cheeks started to bulge out as he gulped  
frantically and his pallor took on a slight greenish grey tinge.

"Hey, what are you...you wouldn't dare! NO!"

**_BLEEEEAAAARRRGGHHH_**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hey Akane, what's with all the screaming? Damn, it really reeks in here."

"Whoopshie!"

"Gah! Uncle Genma, get off me! You're heavy and you stink!"

"Do'n feel so good, lil 'biki."

"Hey, now wait a minute-"

**_BLEEEAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRAAAAAMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA_**

"IIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

---------------

-End Prologue


	2. Up Ass Creek with a Broken Paddle

**Coming Home to Roost**  
**by Shade**

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**  
**Chapter 1: Up Ass Creek with a Broken Paddle and No Lube**  
**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

Soun Tendo smiled as he arrived at his home early in the morning. Regrettably last night's  
local council meeting had taken longer then expected and he'd had to make do with an udon stall  
and a capsule motel for the night. He was looking forward to a proper Kasumi prepared breakfast.

But to his surprise, when he entered his home he found that the only thing out on the dining table  
was a pot of still steaming tea. One eyebrow quirked up as he finally noticed that his daughters  
and houseguests sitting there also seemed to be unusually quiet for such a fine morning.

"Good morning everyone! When will breakfast be-"

"Would you mind keeping it down!"

Soun blinked in surprise as his best friend and future son-in-law growled at him in chorus.

"Well now, whatever seems to be-"

The words trailed off as he finally realized that both men were looking at him with  
reddened bloodshot eyes that promised to introduce him to new experiences of pain  
and suffering if he didn't lower his voice. Perhaps it was only his imagination  
running wild, but he could have sworn that his sweet and lovely daughter Kasumi  
was also glaring daggers at him. But that couldn't be right. Kasumi would never be  
upset with her loving father who only wanted what was best for her.

"Ah, did something happen last night," Soun asked in a much more hushed tone.

"Yeah, you could say that," Ranma snorted before wincing in pain from the sudden motion.

"Dirty. Dirty. Never going to be clean. Never going to be clean again," Akane mumbled  
to herself over and over as she hugged her arms together around her sides.

"Oh will you knock it off already, Miss Drama Queen. I said I was sorry."

"Genma?"

Soun turned towards his friend questioningly.

The older Saotome took a quick sip of tea as he tried to think of a proper response.  
Proper in this case being one that wouldn't result in his best friend trying to  
skin him alive for getting his oldest daughter drunk and then letting the other two  
apples of his eye experience the unforgettable sensations of being vomited on by him  
and his son.

Of course it probably wouldn't have been so bad if Akane and Nabiki hadn't  
decided to resort to violence in the middle of the event. They'd learned the  
hard way that punching someone who was powerpuking on you in the gut only  
changed the firehose torrent into something out of the Exorcist.

"Ah...ask me later."

Though still puzzled, Soun nodded anyway. After all, it wasn't like his  
best friend in the whole world would try to hide something from him, right?

"Yo Pops, don't forget to pick up the stuff we talked about today."

"I know, I know. Quit nagging, boy."

"Fat chance of that, old man. If I'm going down then you're sure as hell coming  
along for the ride."

Genma shuddered involuntarily.

"Fine, I get your point."

The older man finished his tea and placed the cup back on the table.

"It'll still take awhile to get it all together. Think you can hold out that long, son?"

"No, not really," Ranma answered in a glum tone.

"Just remember to use the old Saotome charm. And if all else fails, beg for mercy."

"Genma, is there something you'd like to tell me," interrupted Soun with a note of  
confusion in his voice. Was he missing something here?

"It's nothing. Oh by the way, Ranma's mother will probably be stopping by today to see us."

That last part finally snapped through Akane's stupor.

"Are you nuts? Have you forgotten what'll happen she finds out that *that*-" she sputtered,  
jabbing her finger in Ranma's direction forcefully.

Ranma rolled his eyes.

"Look, the worst she can do is make me slit my belly open before chopping my head off."

"And what do you call that?"

"Getting off easy."

Akane's mouth hung open as her retort died unspoken.

"Well what are you waiting for? If you don't hurry up, we'll be late for school."

Ranma finished his cup of tea and grabbed his bookbag with the carelessness  
of a condemned man being led to the gallows.

Nabiki gently used a finger to push her younger sister's jaw back into place and  
murmered softly about putting the service charge on her tab before leaving after  
the pigtailed youth.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"So care to tell just what exactly the hell is going on, Saotome?"

"Nope."

Nabiki's right eye twitched in irritation.

"What, are you scared," she taunted sarcastically.

"Yep," he replied absently.

Nabiki almost choked on her tongue in surprise.

"Hey! Wait for me!"

Neither the pigtailed boy or the pagecut schoolgirl slowed their steady pace,  
so it took longer for the frantically running shorthaired tomboy to catch up  
to the two of them on the sidewalk.

"I told you to slow down, you jerk!"

Ranma didn't bother to respond, his head was constantly scanning his surroundings  
as he walked, paying particular attention to the rooftops and windows overhead.  
Every time a stray sunbeam reflecting off of a glass pane or metal windchime  
caught his eye he involuntarily tensed and started to dive for cover before  
catching himself. At least none of the damn cats napping in the morning warmth  
on the brick walls was ebony in color, they were mostly tabbies along with  
a few fleabitten tomcats. And there was still no sign of Shippu in the sky.

But *they* were out there somewhere, watching and waiting for him. And he was fucked  
six ways from Sunday when they finally got their hands on him. Ranma Saotome considered  
himself a premier martial artist, but even he had no illusions as to his chances against  
any of *them* one on one, let alone together.

After all, he'd seen them in action before. It had been a couple of years ago,  
but he doubted that they'd gotten anything but better since then. Frankly,  
Ranma would have preferred to face an army of horny Musk Dynasty perverts  
in female form with both arms broken rather then confront the most terrifying  
force he knew of in the entire universe.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Not at all."

The youngest Tendo daughter started to develop a dangerous blue glowing aura.

"Look Akane, why don't you and your sister go make yourselves useful and keep an eye out  
for anything strange," Ranma spoke casually, unperturbed by the sounds of knuckles  
cracking in preparation for acts of extreme violence on his person.

"And what exactly should we be looking for, Saotome?"

There had to be some way to make some easy money off of this.  
Nabiki knew it was only a matter of finding it and exploiting it.

"Any funny looking pale feathered long necked birds flying around, black c-cats  
and/or shiny objects on the roof where they shouldn't be. You know, something  
out of place here."

Nabiki and Akane blinked in surprise, the latter coming out of her fury to stare  
as her older sister pointed in the direction that had just caught their attention  
as they reached the main entrance of the school grounds.

"You mean like the bird that just landed on that lady's shoulder over there?"

"Yeah, like tha-"

There was a pause as Ranma froze in midstep. Ever so slowly his head rotated  
to the right of the school gates. That was Shippu alright, the bird familiar  
of the Aoyama Clan. And there was no mistaking the undeniably feminine form  
contained within the fine white uwagi and bright red hakama even with the  
oversized bamboo hat pulled down in the front to conceal the figure's face  
from view.

"oh fuck," he squeaked out.

"Greetings, my husband."

His second wife.

Tsuruko.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It had been a normal school morning with all of the usual student  
chatter right up until the moment those magic words were uttered.

"Greetings, my husband."

All conversation ceased in an instant as every boy and girl within earshot  
simultaneously turned their heads towards the unusual spectacle of the resident  
pigtailed martial artist standing frozen like a deer staring down the barrel of  
a 12 gauge shotgun.

**_"HUSBAND?"_**

Chaos erupted as a crowd of shouting and gesturing teenagers swarmed around  
the various persons of interest.

"Akane, is this true?"

"Is Ranma cheating on you again?"

Yuka and Sayuri popped up on either side of their startled classmate  
and started the verbal barrage.

Akane's brain was still rebooting from that unexpected bombshell.  
Sure there had been Shampoo and Ukyo, but neither girl had ever spoken  
those words with the assured credibility that this Yamato Nadesico did.  
All she could do was stare in disbelief at the Ranma shaped stone  
statue in front of her while her own open mouth made unintelligible noises.

"Saotome, is this true?"

"How dare you get such a hot babe like that when you already have Akane,  
Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi and Miss Hinako!"

"Yeah, leave some for the rest of us!"

"But maybe this means Akane is finally available?"

"Hiro my man, forget Akane. I mean, will you look at that new chick?  
I'd totally hit on it like a pair of bongo drums."

"Yeah you got a-"

***WHAM***

"Hey wait a-"

***WHAM***

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma snapped out of his horrified paralysis just in time to catch the unsavory  
direction that Hiroshi and Daisuke's conversation was going. The solid backhands  
to their faces was an instinctual reaction.

"Guys, you keep talking about her like that  
and you'll never eat solid food again. Got it?"

Turning back to Tsuruko, his heart skipped a beat as he noticed the faint smile  
on her lips. He couldn't see her eyes with the hat in the way, but her  
fingers were still well away from the grip of her sword which was a good sign.

It seemed his chivalrous action had bought him a few more seconds to come up  
with an explanation for his wife that would not involve him discovering a whole  
new definition of pain and suffering at her hands.

"Uh...hey honey. You look beautiful. Um, I really can explain-"

"And who are they, Dearest?"

There was just the faintest trace of steel in the undertone of her silky voice.

Ranma gulped audibly. A cold sweat started to break out as he watched her left hand  
slowly start to drift towards the hilt of her sheathed katana.

"Oh those two girls? Nobody important, just that me and pops are kinda guests at their home  
because of their old man and he's got this stupid idea of trying to unite the schools  
and I swear on my life that I never cheated on you with either of them because really  
they're just not my type and did I mention that it's not my fault-," he babbled frantically.

"Ah, I see. Well that's okay then," Tsuruko said as she gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Ranma almost collapsed in relief as the wide brim of swordwoman's woven hat came down  
and he was finally able to see her normal twinkling eyes rather then the terrifying  
demon gaze of the Shinmeiryuu battle/punishment mode.

"Excuse me. Who are you calling nobody?"

The frost in Nabiki's voice more then made up for her sister's lack of a response,  
being as Akane and pretty much the rest of the entire student body had gone flying  
in every direction at the strange woman's totally unexpected reaction to Ranma's  
painfully inept explanation.

"So she's your wife?"

"Yes."

"So where's her ri-"

Nabiki gawked at the shiny gold ring on Tsuruko's outstretched finger.

"You would not believe what I had to go through to pay for that."

Oh ho! The middle Tendo daughter smelled opportunity here.

"But what about that passionate performance in the theatre?  
What will my poor sister think of you just taking her lips  
like that?"

Ranma could have cheerfully strangled Nabiki at that moment  
for bringing up that particular piece of old history.

Tsuruko's gaze sharpened on him.

"School Play. Tape over the Mouth," he blurted out quickly.

"Ah."

Her features relaxed once again.

Disappointed by the lack of reaction to her verbal ploy,  
Nabiki decided to try again.

"And how about the time you cradled me in your arms?  
How could you forget about that?"

"She fell from the roof. If I could do it all over again,  
I'd let her fall flat on her ungrateful butt."

"Then how do you explain attacking Miss Hinako in the teacher's lounge?"

Nabiki's grin grew increasingly catty.

"Chi Vampire. Counter Shiatsu Points on her Chest."

He was definitely going to kill the middle Tendo daughter, he decided.  
No, wait. That would be letting her off too easy. He'd have to come up  
with something really nasty for her, provided he survived the next  
couple of minutes of course.

"I see."

Tsuruko didn't seem to walk so much as glide gracefully across  
the ground towards him. As she approached, it took all of Ranma's  
willpower to keep his quivering knees from knocking together as  
conflicting memories of unimaginable pleasure and mind destroying  
terror intermingled in his racing mind.

'I mustn't run away. I musn't run away. She'll cut me down if I try.'

When she was only two paces from him, she stopped.

"Now tell me, my husband. Why did you depart so hastily from me?"

Despite the cheerful tone of her words, Ranma's features turned bone white.

"Well you see, that is I kinda thought you needed time to cool down.  
I mean, it was an awkward situation and all. What with-"

"With my finding you and Yuriko naked in bed, you mean?"

Ranma's life flashed before his eyes.  
There was no escape this time.

"And who exactly is this Yuriko, Saotome," Nabiki asked dryly.

His response was bleak.

"My Mother-in-law."

_** -End Chapter 1**_

** Yamato Nadesico: Japanese term referring to the ideal Japanese woman. Wiki it for more info.**

Author's note: _I live. _

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
Omake! Omake! Omake!**

**-x-x-x-x-x-  
** -Deleted Scene Omake

Ranma blearily opened his eyes as he lifted his head up from the soft cushions  
that he'd been resting on. His head felt like a clogged bilge pump left out  
in the sun too long. Now he remembered why he'd given up drinking.

As he tried to get up he found that he was unable to do so without causing  
an unpleasant peeling sensation around his crotch similar to having a piece  
of duct tape on the skin being slowly pulled off. It felt horribly familiar.

His bloodshot eyes looked down to see what the problem was.

"Oh Fuck. Not again."

His dick was planted to the root in some strange woman's shaven pussy.  
A pasty mixture of semen and vaginal lubrication had dried and hardened  
to the extent that they were almost glued together where they met.

Ranma hoped that there wouldn't be any bloodthirsty husbands bursting  
in without warning this time as he started to look up towards her face.

"Kasumi?"

Indeed, the eldest Tendo daughter was unmistakable despite her frazzled  
hair and swollen lips. The young housekeeper moaned softly as the chill  
morning air on her now exposed breasts brought her sensitive nipples  
to attention.

"Do it to me again," she murmured sleepily.

Ranma blinked. Well, he was dead anyway.

So he shrugged his shoulders and obliged her.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Akane Tendo didn't want to wake up. She knew with absolute certainty  
that if she opened her eyes it would be the worst mistake of her life.

But when she heard Nabiki start screaming right next to her, she couldn't  
help but peek just a little.

Genma Saotome smiled sheepishly back at her as he scratched his sodden  
crotch. He wasn't wearing any clothes. And after a moment, she realized  
she didn't have any either.

**"NOOOOOOO!"**

"Well, at least now the schools will finally be joined," the bald man muttered.

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
-Bukkake King omake

It was your normal Furinkan school morning.  
The sun was shining, the birds were singing  
and there were Ranma and Akane-

"I can't believe you *violated* me like that!"

A record scratched as the listening students tried  
to figure out if they'd heard that correctly.

"So it was your first time, big deal. You get used to it after awhile."

"You've done it BEFORE?"

"Since I was nine. All Pops had to do was show me the basics."

Eyes goggled and mouths boggled as the boys and girls realized that  
their ears were not deceiving them after all.

"You unloaded all over my face, my hair and you ruined my clothes!"

"Well it's not like I could stop in the middle, now could I?"

Male imaginations pictured Akane, her transparent wet clothes sticking to her-

Nasal blood vessels burst as the boys passed out to a man.

"And how could you keep going and going like that? The human body can't possibly  
contain that much liquid!"

Female imaginations saw Ranma's unleashed equipment, preparing for the money shot-

Redfaced highschool girls started swooning left and right.

"Well you should have known better then to handle me like that."

"If I hadn't stopped you, you would have done it to Kasumi instead!"

Thus was the legend of Bukkake King Ranma born.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
-Mother-in-law omake

"Mother sends her regards."

"Does she now," Ranma's nervous attempt at lighthearted laughter died in his throat.

"And a gift."

"Gift? What gift," Nabiki started looking eagerly around for something of monetary value.

"Don't be shy now, come on out."

Tsuruko beckoned at something hiding behind the length of her hakama.

Three blue eyed little girls with long dark hair peeked out.

All of them sharing an identical face.

Ranma prayed that this didn't mean what he thought it meant.

"Say hello to Kuriko, Kiriko and Kotoko. My new sisters."

"Papa!" "Daddy" "Father!"

The triplets dashed towards the stunned pigtailed martial artist.

Ranma finally decided to take the easy way out.

He fainted.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
-Omake by Lord Raa

"And who exactly is this Yuriko, Saotome," Nabiki asked dryly.

His response was bleak.

"My Mother-in-law," the young Saotome admitted. "But in my defense,  
she did say that she wanted to 'put her son-in-law to the test to  
make sure he's suitable for her daughters'."

"'Daughters'? Kindly explain that one, Dearest," Tsuruko said rather icily.

Ranma sighed in defeat. "Pops kinda sold me off as Motoko's concubine."

"And who's Motoko?" Nabiki asked, making a few mental calculations  
as to the price this newest information.

"My little sister," the kendoist answered.


	3. Kiss Your Fucking Ass Goodbye

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Situations and a Sick Sense of Humor

----------------------------------------  
Chapter 2: Kiss Your Fucking Ass Goodbye  
----------------------------------------

There was a long moment of dead silence.

Nabiki caught herself in the middle of a doubletake.

Akane's eye twitched. She'd put up with a lot from her wayward fiance for the last year or so.  
He'd brought nothing but trouble to her home since his arrival. He lied, cheated, peeped,  
gobbled up all the sukiyaki meat first, groped other girls and never took her seriously.  
She had tried to be mature and forgive him for his gross misconduct. But this? This was  
finally going too far. He must be **PUNISHED!!**

""RANMA, YOU PERVERT!!!"

Having satisfied the need for self-justification, no matter how flimsy the excuse might be,  
Akane charged ahead with an untroubled conscience determined to wreck havoc on  
the head of the boy who had betrayed her once again.

There was an uncertain pause as the members of the unofficial Akane Tendo Fanclub  
saw their idol finally take decisive actions. Then with a muted roar the Horde  
was up in arms and following after the object of their desires.

"How could you cheat on such a sexy wife with some old bag, Saotome," yelled one of  
the maddened jocks on the baseball team.

"Get off on wrinkles, do ya!?"

This from a member of the school's Sumo team.

And then all together in one united battecry, "DIE, ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!"

Ranma closed his eyes in resigned expectation. He didn't want to watch what was coming next.

He could feel the pressure of Tsuruko's battleaura pressing against his prickling skin  
like a building thunderstorm as he hastily emptied out all thought and emotion,  
trying to make his own aura as small and unnoticable as possible.

All of her senses suddenly tingling, Nabiki decided that it would be wise if she got out of the way.

Akane was at the head of the angry pack with a hockey stick 'borrowed' from one of the jocks.  
She raised it up high in preparation for a blow to the head that would rattle the school windows  
when it connected.

And then a force like a category five hurricane suddenly smashed head on into her.  
She found herself being tossed backwards into the air like a dry maple leaf.  
All around her the sky was filled with a mob of equally surprised boys blasted  
every which way by that invisible wave of unstoppable force.

The pigtailed boy let out a small sigh of relief as he slumped slightly forward.  
The Evil Cutting Strike Second Form still scared the bejeezus out of him even  
when he wasn't the target. He still remembered seeing his wife use it on her  
own kid sister without hesitation. Poor Motoko had wet herself in fright.   
Fortunately his bladder was stronger then hers.

A great many dull thuds of warm bodies falling painfully onto the ground followed shortly thereafter.

"Now then, if we may continue without further interruptions?"

The remainder of the student bodies still standing started nodding frantically.

"Thank you. Now then, Dearest?"

Cautiously Ranma's eyes peeked open. When they met the steady gaze of the still smiling Tsuruko,  
it was akin to a mouse suddenly staring up at a hungry waiting lion. Never had he been so tempted  
to break the first of the three cardinal rules of his marriage then at that precise moment.

**Rule 1: Never Lie to Them. Ever.**

No matter how scary Tsuruko could be when she was angry, that paled in comparision  
to what she was capable of when she found out she was being lied to. And that was  
true for the others as well.

"I-I thought she was you. By the time I figured it out it was too late and then you walked in and-"

"And you fled."

The young man nodded dejectedly. Being afraid for his life and manhood was still no excuse  
for running away like a coward. But his Pop's words had made so much sense at the time.

_'Son, you fucked up.' _

_'What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?!' _

_'Look, calm down. I tell you what we'll do. We'll send a postcard letting them  
know you're going on an extended training trip but we won't tell them where.  
Give her a couple of years to cool down and she'll forget all about it.' _

_'You really think it'll work?' _

_'Don't worry, it's a tried and true technique of the Saotome family. Trust me.' _

_'Okay.'_

In retrospect, that had been one of the stupidest things he'd ever done.

And just as obviously, nobody else was buying it either. Yuka and Sayuri  
simply butted into the conversation without so much as a by-your-leave.

"How lame! Couldn't you come up with a better excuse then that?!"

"Like anyone would believe you could confuse your wife with her mother!  
Do you think we're all idiots that we'd fall for such a crazy story like that?"

Both girls glared at him, suddenly united in their belief that Akane was right after all.  
Ranma really was nothing more then a sick pervert.

"Excuse me?"

Ranma glared right back at the two girls and their self-righteous stance wilted slightly  
under the intensity of his outrage at having his honesty questioned. He wasn't married  
to either one of them, which meant that he didn't have to put up with that kind of shit  
from them.

With an almost audible growl, Ranma reached inside his shirt and pulled out a small round  
metal picture frame. He thrust it out towards the two suddenly uncertain schoolgirls like  
a cross being brandished towards a vampire.

"Here! Take a look for yourselves."

Yuka and Sayuri blinked in surprise and then came closer, not noticing  
that Tsuruko had lifted one hand to her mouth to hide a small laugh.

The duo carefully studied the picture before turning back towards Ranma  
with matching frowns on their features.

"Really, Ranma. A cheesecake picture of your wife posing in a string bikini  
doesn't explain anything at all."

"That's **not** my wife."

He reached into his shirt again with his free hand and withdrew a second picture frame  
of the same shape and size as the first.

"This one's my wife."

An equally curious Nabiki joined the other girls in looking over the new picture.  
In it Tsuruko wore a daring metallic V-cut one-piece that strained to contain her  
sensual figure as she posed teasingly towards the viewer.

For the first time ever Nabiki finally understood just how Ranma could keep calling  
her younger sister an uncute tomboy who lacked any sex appeal whatsoever and actually  
mean it. It was like comparing shit to cream. She herself was straight and even she  
could tell that the picture was made of pure win.

At first glance the two photos appeared to feature the same person. It was only upon  
closer examination that the three girls finally noticed some small differences that  
distinguished one from the other. The two could have been sisters, so uncanny was  
the resemblence. Suddenly the pigtailed boy's explanation didn't sound so flimsy  
after all.

"Okay, say that I believe you. Now why are you carrying that picture around," Nabiki said,  
deciding to humor his pathetic little charade for the moment.

Wordlessly Ranma turned the picture around so that they could read the inscription  
on the back. It read _'Keep me close. If you misplace this, you'll be sorry. -XXX Y.A.'_

Nabiki's eyebrows rose involuntarily.

"I like being able to pee standing up, that's why."

Tsuruko finally interrupted with a polite cough.

"It has occurred to me, Dearest, that perhaps I was a touch...hasty at that time."

The elegant swordswoman slowly laced her fingers together with a slightly nervous  
air as she picked her next words carefully. Ranma's breath caught as a faint light  
of hope rekindled in his breast.

"Having had some time to reflect on the matter, I have come to the conclusion  
that you were not to blame for that unfortunate incident."

You could have knocked the young martial artist over with a feather at that moment.  
Genma had been right? His father's advice had turned out to be good for something  
after all?! Had Hell finally frozen over?!

"However..."

Her hands suddenly clamped down on his shoulders as she drew his face closer to hers  
until their noses were almost touching. The young man's heart lurched as his vision  
was pulled into the glowing pools of her eyes. Somehow she seemed to be looming over  
him as if she had grown to giant size or he had shrunk in stature.

"That still does not excuse your extended leave of absence from your marital duties, my husband."

Her smiling features seemed to radiate an almost palpable sense of danger coupled  
with a hint of barely restrained hunger that sent cold shivers running up and down  
his spine.

"You must reimburse this lack to the fullest extent possible.  
And with all the applicable I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T."

The brave martial artist fought back a terrified whimper as he silently prayed for a stay of execution.

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

-----------------------

Today was the day.

He was invincible!

For had the secret to ultimate victory not been revealed unto him   
through the great saga of the legendary Nobunaga? Today he would   
claim what was his just due from the lovely pigtailed girl and   
his long suffering destined to be, Akane Tendo!

Yes, through long trials and torment (of Sasuke) the key to destroying  
the Foul Letcherous Sorcerer had been discovered. Why had he not realized  
it sooner? It was so obvious! He did not need to get his own noble hands  
dirty with the blood of such a low class dog, rather he needed only to  
hire a most skilled mercenary in the trade of removing such obstinate  
obstacles from his glorious path of true manliness.

Ah, there was the misbegotten demon spawn now!

"HOLD, VARLET!!"

But wait, who was this goddess of authentic Japanese beauty standing next to-AH HAH!!  
The scoundrel was at it again! No doubt he had used trickery and black magic to ensnare  
this pure angel with skin the color of soft moonlight and long glorious raven dark tresses  
and her face, surely it had been kissed by the glorious mother of heaven...Kuno used the  
back of his hand to wipe the drool dripping from his open mouth.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my bountiful arms!!"

He charged forward, blind to everything but the heavenly vision before him.

-------------------------

For the first time in his life, Ranma Saotome was almost grateful that Tatewaki Kuno  
was a suicidal idiot.

"Do not fear, my fair maiden! Come, leap into my bountiful arms!!"

"..."

At least until he realized that the arrogant upperclassman was trying to hit on his wife.

"Kuno..."

Major Testerone rallied.

"Oh," Tsuruko blinked as she suddenly found herself holding only Ranma's empty shirt in her hands.

"...You..."

Corporal Punishment commenced.

"...ASSHOLE!!!"

**BOOT TO DA NADS**

"Ooo...that...did not...hurt...you know."

Tatewaki's words would have carried more weight had he not been down on his knees clutching himself  
with both hands. His face had gone chalky white from the no-holds-barred impact.

The shadowed face of the pigtailed martial artist was lit only by an eerie red gleam  
from where his eyes were normally visible. The Demonic Avatar of Husbandly Wrath seized  
the target of his ire by the collar and lifted him up so that they were face to face.

"You want to hit on Akane, fine. She's old enough to make her own mistakes.  
**BUT THOU SHALT NOT COVET MY WIFE!!!**"

This was accompanied by a through shaking of the kendo boy's neck.

A part of Ranma's mind wondered just what the hell he was doing. Another part really didn't care,  
since when did he need a reason to hurt Kuno? But the part that was in charge at the moment  
was mainly concerned with trying to wring the kendoist's scrawny neck, literally.

"Don't worry Master Kuno! I, your faithful servant Sasuke, shall save you!"

Ranma grunted and lifted Kuno's body up to block the incoming swarm of shuriken.  
Tatewaki bucked and groaned as dozens of needle-sharp points lodged firmly into  
his back.

"That-did-not-hurt..."

"Master Kuno!!"

The mousy ninja clapped both hands to the sides of his face, his expression expressing  
horror at what he'd inadvertently done.

Ranma grunted again and hoisted up the upperclassman again to intercept the barbell  
rocketing towards his head. Akane swore in an unladylike manner at seeing her missile  
deflect off of Kuno's head.

'You JERK!!"

"That...did..n-not..."

"RANMA!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT AKANE LIKE THAT?! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

The pigtailed boy swung his improvised human shield about to absorb the array  
of spinning bandanas coming in from his flank.

"...mommy!!"

The watching students all winced in unwilling sympathy.

"So you want some too, Pig-boy? Take a number and get in line!"

"WHY YOU-"

**SPLAT**

Ranma withdrew his foot from the Hibiki boy's flattened face.

"Grrrr!!"

When Ryoga swung his weighted umbrella in retaliation, the much abused body  
of Tatewaki Kuno was there to stop the blow. The Lost Boy paid no attention  
to him, his enraged focus completely on the object of his ire. He attacked again  
and again, while Ranma kept blocking with the increasingly battered upperclassman.

Tsuruko laughed softly as she watched, amused by her husband's antics.

"Aren't you going to help him," Nabiki asked her quizzically.

"Now why would I do that? He looks like he's enjoying himself."

--------------------------------

Kuno's head rattled as yet another blow from Ryoga impacted it.

Ranma noticed that he was mumbling something but didn't pay any attention to it  
as he had more important things to worry about at the moment and the bokken boy's  
words kept getting interrupted by Ryoga's punches and kicks.

At least until he heard him mutter, "...eyes...Demon..."

That got his attention really fast.

"SAOTOME YOU COWA-"

**BOOT TO DA HEAD**

"Ow! You booted me in the head!!"

Having bought himself a little breather, Ranma swung the now semi-conscious human shield  
around and lifted his lolling head up.

"What did you say, Kuno?! Spill it!!"

General Alarm sounded in the anxious young man's head. He must have heard wrong,  
there was no way that even Kuno should have been able to afford-

"eYes...of thE dEmOn!!Ahahahahahaha!!!"

Ranma's heart turned to ice as he hastily dropped the upperclassman  
as if the diabolically laughing figure had suddenly turned radioactive.

"You idiot...what have you done," He whispered in a tone of pure horror.

No wonder they had been able to find him.

"Dog of a thousand kitchen slatterns...now you face the wrath of the Heavens and Hell!!"

Amazed as always by Kuno's unnatural recovery time from physical damage,  
Akane was surprised to see the normally confident pigtailed boy stumble  
back away from Tatewaki with a look of terror on his face.

It reminded her of something. Now what was it?

"Don't you turn your back on me, Saotome!!"

Sweet Ryoga's battlecry interrupted her chain of thought. Oh, she wished that  
he hadn't done that. Even if that womanizing jerk did deserve a beating this time.

But it was almost on the tip of her tongue...

"Oh! I've got it!!"

The pigtailed boy had had that same expression on his face when he'd first seen Tsuruko-

Three shots rang out.

----------------------

The sound of an M40A1 firing three rounds in quick succession let Ranma know the jig  
was finally up. The young man reached for the sky as Kuno, Sasuke and Ryoga all hit  
the ground. He ignored the general panic as Akane, Nabiki and the rest of the school  
rushed to find cover from the shooter. As if that would do any good against the caliber  
of skill that was here now.

"Don't shoot! I surrender!!"

Frantically he looked around for the petite burka clad sniper he knew must be around somewhere.  
But despite his best efforts he couldn't find any trace of her. He did notice though,  
that his second wife looked serene and unworried.

She probably wasn't worried about the competition after all-

"Well this brings back memories, doesn't it...Darling."

Ranma stared. He couldn't help himself. Where he had expected to find a homicidal camouflaged lolita  
with chilling eyes that froze the blood in your veins, he was instead confronted by a tall panther   
of a woman covered by a neutral tan burka perched on the school wall. Her rifle was still in hand  
and those eyes...they were the same as-

"Cat got your tongue, Sweetie?"

His jaw dropped.

"Ma-Mana?!"

The gunslinging young woman pulled off the concealing tentlike garment to reveal her features at last.  
Ranma's brain went into a meltdown as he finally got a good look at his third wife for the first time  
in three years.

Long sleek legs that seemed to go on forever, her tight dark camo body suit leaving little doubt  
that the thin little girl he'd remembered had definitely grown up and out. And she had-

"Duh-big-boob-but-breasts-how?! Buh-big! Breasts!? But was little-big-small-big-BIG!?"

With a visible effort he wrenched his gaze further up from the mind destroying sight  
of the smirking girl's prominent attributes to focus on her face. But when his eyes  
finally met hers, Ranma realized he probably would have been much better off simply  
staring dumbfoundedly at her chest. The cuteness of the wolfish waif had been replaced  
with a sharply exotic face entering the full bloom of womanhood. A beauty that kings  
and princes in ages past would have gone to war over and gladly spilled their blood  
for the mere promise of a smile. And she was smiling at him.

General Major Control attempted to impose emergency order. But the traitorous Private Parts  
mutineed and stood at attention as it sensed one of the true mistresses would soon be in control  
of the situation. The young man's mouth went bone dry as he realized his rising predicament.

Yeah, he was totally fucked now.

---------------------

Cautiously, Akane peered up from where she'd dived for cover. The sight of a tall  
dark tanned foreign beauty toting a rifle and smiling at a flabbergasted Ranma met  
her eyes. For once in her life, Akane Tendo leaped to the correct logical conclusion  
about what she was seeing.

"ANOTHER ONE," she shrieked in disbelief.

How did he do it? Every single time she thought he couldn't get more perverted,  
there he was, proving her wrong. It was as if there was a 24 hour party being held  
in the Saotome boy's pants and she was the only one not invited.

"You...you MANWHORE!!"

---------------------

Ignoring the increasingly obscene hail of insults going into exquisite detail about his gender,  
intelligence and virtue (or lack thereof) being thrown his way by the outraged youngest Tendo,   
Ranma kept all of his attention focused on the youngest and most volatile of his wives  
as if his life depended on it.

It probably did.

He was fairly certain that she, unlike Tsuruko, hadn't forgiven him yet.  
But fuck, a guy had to have some principles if he wanted to be able  
to look at himself in a mirror.

"S-So how's business? Still making a killing?"

Ranma winced before the last words escaped his constricting throat.  
Oh that was really smooth, maybe if he shoved his foot into his mouth  
a little more he could shut himself up before he could do anything else  
to make things worse.

Mana simply nodded, her smile unchanging.

The young man broke out into a cold sweat, seeing out of the corner of his eye  
that Tsuruko obviously wasn't going to lift a finger to help him. She had her  
own bone she wanted to pick out and grind down from him. Why, oh why, had his  
stupid little soldier picked now of all times to present arms?

"Um, you're not still mad about that, are you?"

The young woman whipped out one of the dual matching Desert Eagles   
in her thigh holsters with her right hand and took aim.

"Not anymore," Mana said simply.

Then she shot him in the head.

**KER-POW**

---------------------------

Akane shrieked like a little girl as she saw her fiance gunned down in cold blood  
before her eyes. At least until she realized that there wasn't any blood flying,  
spilling or otherwise making its presence known anywhere.

"Huh?"

What was going on here? Shouldn't his head have exploded like in the movies?  
And why was that strange psycho walking towards the body? For that matter,  
why did that Tsuruko person look so damn irritatingly calm about all of this?  
Shouldn't she care that her supposed 'husband' had been shot like that in front  
of her? Shouldn't the woman be doing something? It wasn't like she herself was going  
to stick her neck out for that worthless...

Akane ducked her head as the stranger's eerie golden eyes turned her way.

Martial artist she might be, but crazy enough to get in the way of a probable nutcase packing firearms?

Not a chance.

-------------------------

From his position stretched out flat on his back, Ranma just stared up at the open sky.

"You still alive, honey?"

If his vocal cords hadn't been completely paralyzed at that moment, Ranma would have groaned in pain.  
Airgun knockoffs or not, those oversized pistols that his mercenary wife carried packed a mean wallop.

And she'd used the curare tipped bullets again. He couldn't so much as blink an eyelash  
and the tip of his nose was already starting to itch.

"Hmmm."

Oh shit, she was coming right towards him. Oh where were those violent fiancees  
when he really needed them to serve as a distraction? If only they-Aiyaaah!!

"Heh."

Ranma's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as his embarrassingly rampant erection  
registered a sudden forceful pressure bearing down on it. It took him only a few seconds  
to identify the almost but not quite painful sensation as the toe of Mana's leather boot  
pressing against his eagerly straining pole. Whether a subtle threat of punishment to come  
or a silent promise of equally painful pleasure to follow, only one thing was clear.

He was now at her mercy. And last time he checked, she didn't have any.

His shallow breathing quickened as Mana deliberately circled his sensitive crotch with the tip  
of the light brown footwear. He knew that with only a few more pounds of pressure she could  
splatter his testicles like a couple of raw eggs. Hell, he'd seen her do that before to some  
unfortunate souls who no longer walked among the living. And the creepiest part about it was that  
her expression had never changed, the Soul of Ice was lukewarm compared to the cool professionalism  
of the tanned mercenary on the job.

Tsuruko wouldn't do that to him because she didn't believe in punishing herself.  
But with Mana, he just couldn't tell. As far as he knew, she had no compelling  
reason to not unman him in a horribly gruesome fashion considering the circumstances  
of their seperation and the subsequent sequence of events that had eventually   
led to China, then Jusenkyo and finally his self-imposed exile in Nerima.

_'And where to do think you're going, Boy?' _

_'Back to China to find a cure for this curse!' _

_'Go right ahead...' _

_'You mean you're not going to stop me, Old Man?' _

_'...Of course that little child wife of yours will love to get her hands on you.  
She might even be merciful enough to kill you when she's finished.' _

_'...-silence-...' _

_'Where are you going now?' _

_'Back to bed. We've got a long day of school tomorrow.' _

_'Smart boy.'_

He still had the occasional nightmare of being swarmed by chibi longhaired lolis  
dressed up in slinky belly dancer outfits and wielding oversized hunting knives.

"Your attention is wandering, sweetheart."

Her toe forcefully nudged the cluster of nerves situated at the base of his organ,  
just above his tightening balls. Sweat beaded his brow as the young man fought to  
prevent himself from suddenly creaming in his boxers. Where the hell had she  
learned to do that?!

"That's better."

Her deceptively angelic face hovered on the edge of his blurring vision  
as she deftly ground the flat of her heel down on his trapped member.

Tears started to pool in the corners of his eyes as this exquisite torture continued.  
Every time he found himself right on the edge she stopped him with a quick jab  
at his base that killed the urge but did nothing for the building frustration.  
He could feel his heart racing, it seemed that all the blood was rushing out  
of his brain and descending into a bottomless vortex of furious liquid heat.

The sound of a throat clearing finally broke through the haze of this  
unbelievably cruel torment.

"That should suffice. I believe that I can take things in hand from here."

Mana paused in mid-stroke before turning to give Tsuruko a decidedly chilly look.

"...Excuse me?"

Ranma whined in his throat like a little kicked puppy. This would not end well.

"There was an interesting theme for that love hotel not too far from here and I would rather like  
to explore that novelty with my husband," Tsuruko explained as if she was talking to someone  
too slow to keep up with the flow of the conversation.

"He owes me a wedding night and a honeymoon. With **Penalties**," said Mana as she emphasized  
'Penalties' with a solid grinding from her foot that threatened to leave Ranma's pants with a big sticky  
wet spot on the front.

"That is indeed unfortunate. However..."

The muted clink of a sword hilt being slightly pushed out from the sheath  
sounded like a gunshot in the sudden quiet stillness.

"...that is a matter to be settled between him and yourself after I have finished."

The metal click of two safeties being taken off made Ranma fervently wish  
that he was anywhere else but here at Ground Zero.

"You can have him back after I've collected my due."

From where he was laid flat on the ground the still paralyzed young man couldn't see the looks  
being exchanged between the two women, but he could feel the dangerous sparks flying.

"Ho ho ho ho, it seems this little impasse must be rectified."

The cheerful laughter in her voice was not present in Tsuruko's suddenly glowing eyes.

"Hmph."

Mana's own piercing amber pupils started to gleam like hard cut gems.

It was a delicate moment where even the least provocation could ignite the entire conflagration.

"I FIGHT ON!!"

Kuno's timing couldn't possibly have been any worse.

**KER-POW KER-POW**

"AUUGHH!! MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!!"

Ranma mentally nodded in confirmation. Pacification bullets with twelve alarm chili pepper base.

"Zankuusen!!"

"Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-!"

Tatewaki's cry of pain trailed off as he vanished into the distant blue sky.

There was a hushed pause.

And then all Hell broke loose.

-End Chapter 2

Author's notes: Lots of thanks to Dracos for pointing out areas for improvement. Also thank you  
to all of the people on Hawk's forum who have made the process as much fun as the final product.

-------------------------  
-Fear the Women Omake

"But what about that poor woman's husband? How could you force her to cheat on him like that?"

Ranma blinked, nonplussed by this bizzare conclusion that Sayuri had somehow reached.  
Had all of Akane's friends been this retarded and he'd just never noticed it before?  
With an effort he swallowed the first dozen or so choice retorts that immediately sprang  
to mind which would have curled the hairs on her empty little head.

"Actually, Mother is a widow."

Tsuruko finally broke in with a polite cough.

"Oh, we're sorry."

Yuka and Sayuri stared down at the ground as they quickly apologized, cheeks pink with shame.

It has occurred to me, Dearest, that perhaps I was a touch...hasty at that time."

The elegant swordswoman slowly laced her fingers together with a slightly nervous air  
as she picked her next words carefully. Ranma's breath caught as a faint light of hope  
rekindled in his breast. That didn't sound like the beginning of an execution speech to him.

"Having had some time to reflect on the matter, I have come to the conclusion  
that you were not to blame for that unfortunate incident."

You could have knocked the young martial artist over with a feather at that moment.  
Genma had been right? His father's advice had turned out to be good for something  
after all?! Had Hell finally frozen over?!

"Uh-I-um-well-ah-okay-"

This had never happened to him before and Ranma wasn't quite sure what to do.

"I should have warned you earlier about that unfortunate part of the Aoyama Clan's history.  
I'm sure it must have been quite a shock."

Tsuruko blushed slightly.

"Oh yeah."

Ranma swallowed audibly. He remembered that all too well. That had been the other reason  
why he'd been so quick to flee from the Aoyama family compound.

"Unfortunate part?"

Nabiki eyed the pigtailed boy skeptically.

"The guys they marry tend not to live very long after the wedding. Oldest one  
I managed to find in the records only made it to twenty nine before he kicked  
the bucket."

"And just how far back do these records go?"

"Back to the early fourteen hundreds I'd guess. At least that's all I managed to look at."

Ranma shrugged as the girls stared at him with widened eyes.

"Wait, so you're saying that all of their husbands died before reaching  
the age of thirty for the last six hundred YEARS?!"

"I'm afraid so," Tsuruko said as she gently petted Shipuu's crest.

"What, their wives kill them all for cheating on them or something, " Akane snorted rudely  
as she limped over to the group. She was already developing a strong dislike for this   
teeth-gnashingly beautif-slutty 'wife' that had obviously been brainwashed by her pervert  
of a fiance.

"Of course not, don't be silly," Ranma replied in a contemptuous tone of voice usually  
reserved for that special breed of idiot that likes to ask stupid questions they should   
already know the answers to.

"Then what has been the traditional cause of death for men marrying into the Aoyama family,"  
Nabiki, Yuka, Sayuri, Akane, the other girls and what few boys had managed to stay conscious  
all asked simultaneously.

The young married couple replied in eerie unison.

"Exhaustion."

-------------------------  
-Oops Omake

"Um, you're not still mad about that, are you?"

The young woman whipped out one of the dual matching Desert Eagles   
in her thigh holsters with her right hand and took aim.

"Not anymore," Mana said simply.

Then she shot him in the head.

**KER-POW**

Blood and brains erupted everywhere.

Mana blinked, then took a second look at her gun.

"Oops. Used the real one by mistake."

She sighed.

"Guess there's no helping it then."

She shot a hard glare at the whitefaced boys and girls staring at her.

"If any of you laugh at what I do next, you die."

Holstering her weapon, the tanned young woman knelt down to open the black guitar case  
she had by her feet. Flipping it open she pulled out a gigantic nightmarish spiked club  
with the name 'Excalipur' emblazoned in flaming red letters on the side. She gestured at  
the still bleeding corpse now flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water.

**_"Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"_**

Bits of bloody brain and skull started flying back to their original  
resting place until Ranma's head finally reformed back to what it  
was before his gruesome death. He blinked.

"Killed me again?"

"Yeah, sorry-"

Mana's apology was interrupted by a rude snicker. Whirling around she saw Nabiki and Akane  
holding their hands over their mouths in a vain attempt to muffle their laughter.

"Mmphh-ahahaha, did you hear that?!"

Mana's cheeks reddened.

"Pipiru piru, she sounds like a little girl playing magical princess! Bwhahahaha-"

**KER-POW**

AKane's head exploded.

**KER-POW**

Nabiki's head followed suit.

And so the Great Furinkan High School Bloodbath began.

-------------------  
-Hey, It Could Have Been Worse Omake

"He owes me a wedding night and a honeymoon. With **Penalties**," said Mana  
as she emphasized 'Penalties' with a solid grinding from her foot that  
threatened to leave Ranma's pants with a big sticky wet spot on the front.

"That is indeed unfortunate...but perhaps we could reach an acceptable compromise?"

Ranma didn't like the sound of that. Esepcially once he noticed that Mana looked interested.

"Go on."

"Our husband has more then one method available for satisfying a woman. And I am not adverse  
to having him work off his punishment...orally."

Tsuruko smiled like a cat in the cream.

Mana's features slowly shifted until her own evil grin matched the one facing her.

"Done."

Ranma whimpered helplessly as each woman took hold of one arm and dragged him off to his doom.

------------------  
-Guest Omake by Dubrichius

The sound of an M40A1 firing two rounds in quick succession let Ranma know the jig was finally up.  
The young man reached for the sky as Kuno and Ryoga hit the ground. He ignored the general panic   
as Akane, Nabiki and the rest of the school all rushed to find cover from the shooter.  
As if that would do any good against the caliber of skill that was here now.

"Don't shoot! I surrender!!"

Frantically he looked around for the petite burka clad sniper he knew must be around somewhere.  
But despite his best efforts he couldn't find any trace of her. He did notice though, that his   
second wife looked serene and unworried.

She probably wasn't worried about the competition, after all-

"Statement: It is a pleasure to see you once more, Master."

Ranma stared. He couldn't help himself. Where he had expected to find a homocidal camouflaged lolita  
with chilling eyes that froze the blood in your veins, he was instead confronted by a tall, rust-coloured machine,  
standing near the school gate. Its rifle was still in hand and its crimson eyes were glowing in obvious delight.

"Apology: I am sorry that I was unable to arrive earlier to assist you in the disposal  
of those annoying meatbags that were attacking you."

His jaw dropped.

"A-Aychkay?!"

------------

For those of you who don't get the reference, the last omake refers to HK from the game 'Knights of the Old Republic'.


	4. A Cat is Fucking Fine Too

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

--  
Chapter 3: A Cat is Fucking Fine Too  
--

From all the shouting and screaming going on, it must have been one heck of fight. Concrete exploded  
as the heavy crack of semi-automatic weapons was contrasted by the high pitched keening of a live blade  
slicing through the air repeatedly.

It really was a pity that he couldn't see any of it going on. Ranma stared up blankly at the deceptively  
peaceful blue sky as the lyrical roar of Claymore Mines going off in sequence briefly shook the ground  
around him. He could hear Tsuruko's eerie battle laugh as the sharp smell of gunpowder tickled his nose.

Many footsteps fled from the direction that it had come from. A smart move considering that it was  
shortly followed by the crash of yet another building whose foundations had apparently been blown away  
by either his second wife's swordplay or his third wife's collection of exotic firearms and explosives.  
He was fairly certain that her guitarcase rocket launcher had blown up either the school gym or the sports  
equipment lockers. It was hard to tell but those were the only two places on campus that he could think of  
off the top of his head which could have that much stuff breaking and shattering without causing secondary  
explosions from a gas line or something.

Fuck, he really wanted to be able to watch this fight. Sure, no matter who won, he lost.  
But it would still have been something incredible to see. He could admit to a perverse  
temptation in a small twisted corner of his mind that really wanted to know just how their  
respective abilities would fare against each other in live combat...

_'Oh yeah-'_

The feeling of invisible hands suddenly grabbing onto him disrupted the guilty little mental picture  
of Tsuruko and Mana oil wrestling that had started form in his mind and brought him back into the here  
and now.

What felt like flaming railroad spikes of steel smashed into his abdomen. Ranma jackknifed forward,  
mouth wide open in a silent 'O' as his hands waved wildly about before coming down to protect  
his protesting middle.

"Who the hell-," He weakly growled before stopping in disbelief as his father suddenly unfaded out  
of the empty space in front of him. Since when had he been able to do that? The he realized that his  
Old Man had been holding out on him again.

"What the hell was that for?! And how did you-"

"You can move, can't you," Genma said bluntly.

The pigtailed martial artist blinked in surprise. Oh yeah, he was able to move now and the paralysis  
seemed to be all gone. He opened his mouth to ask again about this new technique that the older man  
had revealed.

"No, I'm not going to tell you about it. If things weren't so desperate as they are right now,  
I'd have kept them sealed up forever."

Now **that** was a subject that Ranma had every intention of pursuing at a better time and place.

"Damnit, Old Man. You almost gave me a heart attack. For a moment I almost thought that it was-"

His eyes wide in near panic, Genma made frantic warding gestures and shushing noises.

"We do not speak of that forbidden name! Didn't you learn anything from the last time?  
I think we can all agree that we've already got enough trouble without calling **her** into this!!"

The impending argument between the two of them was interrupted by a shout from Akane.

"Ranma, you have to do something!!"

He looked up at her with a neutral expression on his face.

"I am doing something. It's called staying out of the line of fire."

And to prove his point, the young man rolled over so that he was lying stomach down on the ground,  
hands shading his eyes from the sun as he tried to get a fix on where the two clashing human typhoons  
were at the moment. All of the explosions were kicking up an awful lot of dust and smoke and made  
it impossible to tell who was winning.

"Go over there and stop them!"

The upset girl stomped closer to his position.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he calmly warned her.

Naturally his good advice was ignored. She'd covered about half the distance when a stray burst  
of gunfire in their direction divested her of a good chunk of hair close to the top of her scalp.

"Told you so."

Akane blinked and stared straight ahead as stray wisps of dark follicles drifted down from her new reverse mohawk.

"My hair..."

Nabiki tackled her traumatized sister to the ground just in time to avoid the bolts of white  
lightning that cut through where she had been standing. It was also enough to snap through  
the upset girl's shock.

"Those Bitches shot my hair!!"

One of Ranma's eyes twitched as he fought down the sudden reflex to inflict bodily harm  
on his ex-fiancee. Okay, so Akane had some justification for being upset and they were  
crazy violent women of mass destruction. But damnit, that still didn't mean she could  
just insult his wives like that.

"Ranma, fix this," Nabiki hissed roughly. This wasn't funny anymore. Those two women were completely  
insane psychopaths who didn't seem to care that her own personal safety was being endangered by their  
pointless violence over an idiot whose only redeeming value was that he was easily exploitable.

"She's right. You're the only one who can stop them," Sayuri said as Yuka nodded in agreement from under the bushes.

"You know what you have to do, Son."

Ranma made a sour face.

"Anything but that, Pops. There has to be another way," he pleaded hopelessly, resigned to the inevitable  
but still muleheaded enough to go down kicking and screaming anyway.

"They'll destroy the entire district if you don't. You know that perfectly well," Genma said,  
his voice completely devoid of any sympathy or pity. The boy had already made his bed,  
it was only fair that he lie in it too.

Grimacing, Ranma slowly got up from his prone position. Typical, everyone was only too happy to kick him  
when he was down but when their own butts were on the line who did they turn to in order to put the fire out.  
Cautiously the pigtailed martial artist loosened his pants and gingerly slipped a hand down inside his boxers.

He closed his eyes.

Akane's screeching denouncement of his perversion in action was promptly muffled by Genma's hand  
clamping down over her mouth.

**FapFapFap**

The sounds of battle instantly came to a sudden halt.

--

_"Captain, torpedo bays are locked and loaded."_

"Very good, flood the tubes and prepare to fire."

"Sir! We're being actively pinged!"

"Sonar, report!"

"Two Destroyers dead ahead!!"

"Red Alert! All Hands to Battle Stations!!"

"Captain, there's a malfunction in fire control! We can't launch!!"

"Damnit! Dive, dive!!"

"They're closing fast-wait, we've lost the signal!"

"That's impossible, we should be able to hear something at least."

"It's only us here, Sir."

"Up periscope, we need to find them quickly."

--

Unable to bear the oppressive silence any longer, Ranma cautiously peeked one eye open.

That turned out to be a mistake.

Twin glares of burning outrage impaled him like a wiggling fish on a cutting board. Either one  
of them individually upset with him was enough to make his hair stand on end, but to have their  
combined predatory focus on him at the same time was a uniquely unforgettable experience.  
And one he sincerely hoped he would never have to go through ever again.

_'Okay, I've distracted them from fighting each other. Now what?'_

_**"Just/Just what/what exactly/exactly do/do you/you think/think you're/you're doing/doing,"**_ they said in eerie synch.

Ranma's mouth opened.

"Well you two seemed to be so busy that I figured I'd just have to take care of this myself."

_ "They're right on top of us, Captain."_

"Sir, the main drive just won't shut off!"

"Fuck, we're dead."

--

As soon as the last word left his lips Ranma would have sold his soul to have been able to take them back.  
What the hell had he been thinking to throw down the gauntlet like that?! If it was one thing he and his wives  
had in common, it was that they could never resist a challenge, direct or implied.

**_"Is/Is that/that right/right?"_**

But that fire roaring up into a blaze in their eyes, the roses coming into full bloom in their cheeks  
and the way their breathing had suddenly quickened in anticipation all confirmed his worst fears.  
They weren't just angry anymore, they were **excited**!

"Ah, excuse me ladies."

Fortunately for him, Genma Saotome had one of those rare moments of desperate inspiration.  
It wasn't that the older man was feeling especially noble or particularly cared one way or the other  
if his son got what he deserved from his spouses because he wasn't and he didn't.  
However the bald martial artist was aware that in the event his son managed to survive their  
attentions that the boy would make good on his threat to have Genma share his pain and suffering.

**_"What/What do/do you/you want/want?"_**

Genma's forehead hit the ground as he instinctively abased himself in the Crouch of the Wild Tiger  
in response to the waves of killing intent emanating from the two women.

"Forgivemyintrusionbuthismotherislookingforwardtomeetingherlovelydaughterinlaws!"

To the elder Saotome's profound relief, he felt the sense of hostility die down and risked  
a quick look upwards. Both of his son's wives looked thoughtful and he noted with some hope  
that their weapons were not pointing in his general direction anymore.

**_"Hmmmmm/Hmmmmm."_**

Both women abruptly nodded as they each came to a decision.  
Mana's pistols slid back into their custom holsters even as Tsuruko resheathed her own blade back at her side.

They turned to look expectantly at Genma. The sweating older man took the hint and started to lead the way  
towards the Tendo home.

"Come along dear, we're going to say hello to your mother," Tsuruko called back to her pale faced husband,  
his hand still stuck in his pants.

Ranma blinked as his heartbeat started to return to a semblence of normality.

"Bu-but what about school-"

One of the exposed gas lines in the rubble that had once been a building picked that moment to explode,  
sending a billowing ball of angry orange red flame high into the morning sky. The loud wail of approaching  
sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Oh right. Of course, silly me."

His head bowed down in defeat, the pigtailed boy took his hand out of his pants and started to march after his wives.

"Oh my, you're home early today. Did something happen at school, Ranma?"

_'My wives showed up and blew it apart fighting over who would be the first to chain me to the bed.  
That answer your question, Kasumi? Or did you need the lurid details of their exact plans for my  
young body too?'_

"Yeah, you could say that. Pops already here?"

"Mr. Saotome brought some guests inside. They're very pretty."

Ranma decided to take the coward's way out and avoided answering Kasumi's unspoken question.  
She would find out soon enough anyway. He trudged past the front door like a prisoner on  
his way to face the gallows.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Your mother arrived early this morning."

The young man shook his head at the offered cup of cold water.

"But Ranma, you're-"

She gestured at him, indicating his distinct maleness.

"Thanks, Kasumi. But I'm not going to need it. It'll only make things more complicated right now."

He shuddered briefly as he passed by her. He was **not** looking forward to explaining any of that to them.

"If I might have a moment of your time, Saotome."

It was with an effort that he managed to stop himself from shooting Nabiki a dirty look as she slid  
into view from the side. She was already fairly high up on his Shit List today. Ranma sometimes wondered  
if she was constitutionally incapable of treating the situations he found himself in as anything more  
then an opportunity for amusement and profit.

"What do you want," he said rudely.

"Now now, it's not what I want that's the issue here," she replied in a teasing tone that held only the illusion  
of warmth within it.

The young man's eyes narrowed. He hated when she tried to dick around with him like this.

"Whatever."

He turned and started to head down the hall to the guest room.

"After all, there are already so many different needs from so many interested parties that we're dealing with here."

Ranma froze in mid-step.

"But never mind, I'm sure that a few quick phone calls will clear everything-"

Nabiki's words were cut off as Ranma pivoted, reached out and grabbed her by the collar of her school uniform  
and yanked her back outside past a startled Kasumi until they were out of sight behind the tall stone wall that  
bordered the Tendo's property.

"You do know that this is going to cost you, Ranma."

Nabiki's voice was dry with annoyance as she pointedly looked at the grubby hands soiling her collar.

"What did you do, Nabiki," he said, ignoring the veiled threat.

"Nothing that can't be fixed...for the right price. Say...200,000 yen."

His hands suddenly released her as if she were some particularly loathsome form of insect.

"Now will it be cash or..." she paused like a cat with a particularly juicy mouse cornered.

"...in trade?"

Left unspoken was that she fully expected him not to be able to pony up that kind of cash.  
Trade was ever so much more profitable where she was concerned. Valuing services rendered  
was 'flexible' since it was all up to the eye and judgement of the collector. That he might  
end up in further trouble providing it was not her concern. This was business after all.  
Screw or be screwed. And she could always count on Saotome to take it like a bitch.

"I'll do you one better, Nabiki. I'll pay off everything I ever have or will owe you right now."

Nabiki's eyes widened. This was not in any of her scenarios. He'd been holding out on her?!

"Well, we got a deal?"

Nabiki recomposed herself and held out her right hand, palm up.

"Of course. But you do realize that the total sum of your debt including interest comes to-"

Ranma waved his hand to cut her off. He knew that whatever number she was about to say would be  
vastly inflated and that she had no real intention of honoring this deal anyway. He'd been burned  
enough times by her already to know that much. But he'd give her a chance. Whether or not she decided  
to listen was her problem.

"Don't lie to my wives. Don't try to outsmart them. And above all else, don't ever, **ever** piss them off."

Nabiki blinked.

"There you go. Payment in full."

Ranma turned and strided back towards the Tendo home.

Nabiki blinked again. Her outstretched hand started to tremble slightly.

"Why you..."

He'd just tried to pull a fast one on **her** of all people!?

Her hands clenched into fists.

This wasn't over.

As Ranma entered the living room he immediately noticed three things.

Genma wasn't there. Neither was his mother. And the ceiling was rattling overhead.

"Uh..." He had a very bad feeling about this.

Both of his wives were seated on opposite ends of the couch and gave him matching cheshire grins  
as they noticed his confusion.

"You parents are getting...reacquainted. Quite energetically, I must say."

The faint blush on Tsuruko's flawless cheeks confirmed his worst fears. He tried to clear his mind of  
all thought so that the image of his parents doing **that** wouldn't enter his_-Lalalalala-not thinking-  
Mom and Dad naked-Make it stop-Sweaty, bed creaking-Oh Dear Gods-Right now they must be-_

"They didn't have to go into **my** room for that!"

Ah, that explained a bit. He turned to look at a sputtering redfaced Akane sitting in a chair  
at the far side of the room. She was desperately looking at the pictures on the wall to keep her eyes  
from wandering up there. Someone had apparently done a quick fix to her unexpected hair styling  
in the time it had taken him to trudge back to the Tendo home. Hair on both sides of the shortened  
streak had been combed over to conceal the worst of it and a few pink hair ribbons held the repairs  
in place. Not the height of fashion, but a remarkable repair job given the short time frame.

He wondered if her friends had-

"What are you two doing here?" Ranma said as he pointed an accusing finger at Yuka and Sayuri.

The pair shot him perfectly innocent looks from where they sat on the floor next to a short table  
with a bowl of snacks on it as they each took turns sipping hot tea from the cups in their hands.

"We decided to escort Akane home since **someone** didn't-"

"Well here she is so you both can go now."

"-and then decided to stay in order to provide her with some moral support." Yuka finished with  
a touch of feminine smugness that caused a twitch to develop over Ranma's right eye.

"Now wait just a second here! This is none of your busin-"

"Husband, you're being discourteous."

The fine hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stood out on end at the warning note of reproach  
in his second wife's voice.

"Yes dear," the young man said in a much more subdued tone.

Unfortunately, this also brought Akane's attention out of the things she was trying not  
to think about taking place where she didn't want to think about being done by two people  
she really didn't want to think about doing those kind of things she didn't want to think  
about and caused her to finally realize for the first time that the person she blamed for  
everything that had happened today was actually present.

"YOU! This is all **your** fault!"

"My fault?"

"Your **wives** destroyed the school!"

"And how is that my fault?! Are you forgetting that I was the one who put his life on the line to stop it?"

"If you weren't such a pervert then it wouldn't have happened in the first place!"

Mana turned and asked her fellow wife with a hopeful note in her voice, "He's a pervert?"

"That certainly is news to me," Tsuruko replied with some amusement.

"Pervert? I'm not the one who's always sleeping with a pig!"

"You leave P-chan out of this!"

Yuka and Sayuri's heads turned back and forth as if they were keeping score for a tennis match  
as the argument raged on. They munched on their crackers as they watched the real life soap opera  
that put all of the stuff on television to shame.

"Well you can just keep your little harem! As far as I'm concerned, our engagement never happened!"

"Well seeing as I'm already married, that's kinda obvious, isn't it?," Ranma retorted loudly.

Akane's red face turned around without replying and she marched angrily towards the stairs leading  
up to the second floor. There was a collective pause as the remaining occupants of the living  
room all had the exact same thought simultaneously.

_'But isn't that where-'_

Shortly thereafter a door swung open loudly over their heads.

The ceiling suddenly stopped rattling.

Ranma swore softly to himself and clapped an unbelieving hand over his eyes.

A woman's voice drifted down faintly from above.

"Akane dear, really. You need to learn to knock before barging in on a married couple."

The youngest Tendo's ear-piercing shriek sounded a moment later.

A door slammed shut upstairs. Almost immediately the ceiling started rattling again.

Ranma absently took the cup handed to him by Kasumi. He gulped it down, wishing that its contents  
were something stronger then ordinary barley tea. He could have used a nice stiff drink or ten about now.  
Some nice brain bleach to erase the mental pictures that all the noise upstairs kept popping into his head.

The sound of feet pounding rapidly down the stairs marked the return of a pale shaking Akane.

"Perverts, the whole lot of them are complete perverts..."

"Hey, you were the one dumb enough to walk in on them."

**"It's different when a girl does it!"**

Ranma blinked as three voices shouted back at him.

He looked back at Yuka and Sayuri and raised an eyebrow. They blushed furiously in response.  
The martial artist snorted softly and then returned his attention to the no longer pale  
but now furiously pink girl on the stairs.

"Since when?"

"It just is!"

Even Akane didn't look like she really believed what she was saying.

Tsuruko's melodic voice broke in, "Are all of your little friends here equally amusing, Dearest?"

Pink flared to strawberry red. Followed by a hasty retreat...upstairs.

Ranma's jaw dropped.

_'Oh don't tell me-'_

A door banged open.

"Damnit girl, can't you see I'm in the middle of someone here!"

Ranma blocked out all recognition of the owner of that rough voice and the hysterical screams  
that followed as he concentrated with a single-minded focus on the task of placating his neglected  
wives in such a way as to retain both his life and virtue for a few more precious minutes.

Kasumi wondered if there had been something in the cooking wine she'd taken this morning  
in order to relieve her lingering hangover from last night's festivities. Ranma was married?  
With wives as in plural? No, she must have misheard that. Those two obviously could only be  
more fiancees who'd fight with Akane over Ranma until they were defeated and then everything  
would go back to the way it was until the cycle started all over again. Yes, that made much  
more sense to her. She really needed to go schedule an appointment to get her hearing checked.

Why, she could almost swear that she was actually hearing Uncle Genma and Aunty Nodoka doing all  
of those nasty things that she'd seen her own mother and father do when they'd thought everyone  
else was asleep. But that had just been her imagination acting up back then, because mommies and  
daddies weren't supposed to be naked. Or touch each other in the naughty places. So it could  
not have happened at all.

But as she observed the pigtailed youth get down on both knees before the couch, his eyes shiny with fear,  
the eldest Tendo daughter couldn't help but see the visual resemblence to a kicked puppy begging for forgiveness.  
The sight of him so helpless and trembling down there aroused the most unusual impulses in her. His naked appeal  
aimed at tugging on the heartstrings made her want to step on him with her best pair of spike heels.  
And then grind down until he pleaded for mercy.

Not that she would show him any, of course. He had been so naughty for such a long time after all.  
That nasty little tongue of his just simply couldn't stop provoking sweet little Akane and all those  
other naughty girls into hitting him. That little wagging piece of muscle needed something to occupy it,  
give it a purpose. Like licking her shoes clean. That would be good for both Ranma and Kasumi's shoes.

Yes, she could almost picture it now...

_ His wide arms planted themselves on the floor as his bald head bent down obediently to pointed toe  
of her red shoe, while her other foot planted the sharp heel firmly in the back of that worn old gi  
he wore all the time. The riding crop in her hands flicked out to lash across those large firm buttocks  
he always flaunted around the house. Another red stripe added to the collection already decorating that  
round white ass._

She could hear the whimpering coming from her little slave at the sharp sound made by her crop.  
Not that he could see anything from his position. His younger bottom was propped up before her,  
perfect and unmarked as of yet. Oh how long she had dreamed of this opportunity, all those times  
the little slut had taunted her with their tight firmness as he'd run and jump around each morning.

Absently she licked the tip of her rod, savoring the iron taste of the fresh blood it had drawn.  
Then she brought it up and out to teasingly tap the virgin flesh before her. The muscles underneath  
tightened up even further, quivering in anticipation of the blow that had yet to fall.

Yes, his Mistress would clean him of the filthy thoughts she knew were in his head.  
And there was only one way to do that.

She raised the riding crop up high. Then brought it down **hard**.

Kasumi blinked as she came back to reality. Then blushed furiously before making some noises  
about getting more refreshments and retreating towards the kitchen.

Nobody else seemed to notice.

Yuka and Sayuri abruptly broke off from their written transcriptions of Ranma's groveling when  
they caught sight of a frazzled Akane stumble drunkenly down the stairs. They pulled her away  
from the others and directed her out of the room, carefully pumping her all the while for bits  
and pieces of juicy information that the duo fully intended to circulate into the local female  
gossip channels as soon as possible.

Ranma Saotome practiced the Crouch of the Wild Tiger as if his life depended on it. It probably did.

At some point during his extensive bowing and scraping the shaking and quaking of the upper floor  
finally settled down. The preoccupied pigtailed martial artist didn't notice anything had changed.

Nor did his usually keen senses pick up the presence that was creeping up on him.

But he definitely noticed when it finally announced its presence.

**"Meow."**

"Ca-ca-CAT!!"

Mana muffled a chuckle as she watched her wayward husband go from flat on the ground with  
his head bowed to airborne with handsigns warding against evil in the blink of an eye.  
Perhaps it was unfair, but she had always enjoyed keeping him off balance from day one  
of their relationship (which she had determined before he'd even known they were in any kind of relationship).

"We were wondering what was taking you so long."

**"I had a few errands to run on the way over."**

Ranma's eyes bulged as his mouth open and closed like a fish freshly hooked out of the water.  
That shiny black fur was unmistakable, those golden eyes like a demon from hell undeniable  
and that deep scratchy voice he knew all too well.

**"Yo. So this is where you've been hiding yourself."**

The young man's mouth worked but nothing intelligable came out.

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

"Oh there you are at last, Ranma!"

A rumpled Nodoka in an equally worn kimono beamed down at him from where she leaned against  
the wall of the stairs for support. Behind her, a sweaty Genma gestured and made silent signs  
asking for forgiveness from his son.

"Your father tells me you have an important announcement to make."

Of course they could.

-End Chapter 3

Omake! Omake! Omake!

Eye-Clawing Omake:

The ceiling suddenly stopped rattling.

Ranma swore softly to himself and clapped an unbelieving hand over his eyes.

"Akane dear, really. You need to learn to knock before barging in on a married couple."

_**"Growf!"**_

The youngest Tendo's ear-piercing shriek sounded a moment later.

My Bleeding Eyes Omake:

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

"Oh there you are at last, Ranma!"

A rumpled Nodoka in an equally worn kimono beamed down at him from where she leaned against  
the wall of the stairs for support. Behind her, a sweaty Genma gestured and made silent signs  
asking for forgiveness from his son.

Ranma looked at his mother, then screamed in horror and started clawing at his eyes.

The kimono had slipped to reveal the black 12 inch rubber cock still strapped to her front.  
And the red kanji on the side that translated roughly as **_'You're my bitch now'_**.

Mind-Bleach Omake:

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

**Oh my son! There you are at last!**

Ranma looked up and froze.

_'Why is Pops holding up a sign like that in his panda form?'_

And then he saw the second panda behind the first, holding up another sign.

**_Sorry about this, boy. You know I can't refuse your mother anything._**

Cue scream of ultimate horror.

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"**


	5. Attack of the Killer Pussy

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

_"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy,  
and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."  
-Socrates_

-------------------------------------  
Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Pussy  
-------------------------------------

Ranma Saotome tried desperately to think of just the right way to simultaneously explain to his mother  
just how happy he was to finally be able to see her again and stall for time in order to figure out  
how to defuse the live topic grenade his father had unexpectedly tossed into his figurative lap.

**"So you must be my mother-in-law."**

That wasn't it.

Nodoka Saotome blinked, momentarily dumbfounded by the sight of a talking black feline.  
And then slowly the meaning of the words that the distinctly deep voice had said to her  
began to sink in.

Her hair suddenly flaring wildly about her, Nodoka turned on her husband.

"You married our son to a **CAT**?!"

Genma made defensive warding gestures, lacking the energy to do much else  
as he cringed before the brewing storm that was his wife.

"I-I swear I-I had absolutely nothing to do with this, Nodoka!"

**"Well, I see you're still alive, Genma."**

"F-Forgive me, Y-Yo-Yoruichi-sama!!!"

Nodoka did a doubletake as she realized that somehow in the blink of an eye her husband had gone  
from above her on the stairs to down on his hands and knees abasing himself in front of the smirking  
black cat now sitting comfortably on the floor of the living room.

Yoruichi paid little attention to him, being used to this kind of behavior from people like Genma,  
instead turning her attention towards her own wayward husband. He squirmed deliciously under her  
unblinking gaze. Truly she had missed this enjoyable feeling of toying with him like a soft catnip mouse.

Ranma's reflexive flinch was not missed by his mother.

"Then it's true?! Y-you-" the stunned woman gestured down at him and the cat, making  
increasingly more erratic movements as she turned back and forth towards one and then  
the other and then back again. Her beloved son who she'd been seperated from for over  
a decade was a sexual deviant?!

"Well _technically_ it's true that this wasn't Pop's fault." the young man in question mumbled gloomily.

Things would have been so much simpler if they were.

"Um, hi honey," he squeaked nervously.

**"Got anything to say for yourself?"**

"Clemency!"

"**Denied**/Denied/Denied."

Ranma sagged. Well, it had been worth a try.

"But it's a **CAT!!**"

Even Genma lifted his head up to look up at his wife's cry. She really was having a hard time coming to terms with this.

**"Oh right, I keep forgetting about this."**

Ranma looked puzzled for a moment. What did she mean she'd forgot-

And then his eyes widened as he finally got it. His spouse was not called **_'The Goddess of Flash'_** just for her speed alone.

"Wait! Don't!!"

Action preceeded thought. The pigtailed boy was already in mid-leap towards Yoruichi  
before his brain finally managed to catch up and ask him just what the hell he was doing.

_'You're jumping on your wife.'_

Right. Because she's got no feminine modesty whatsoever.

_'Who is currently in the form of a cat.'_

Right. She's a cat and she'll be naked and-Cat? Cat?! **CAT!!!**

"C-ca-cA-CAAAAAAT!!!"

Having already committed his body to one course of action, it was impossible to try and change it  
before landing. Never the less, Ranma tried his best to do so anyway. He didn't succeed though.

"Auuugghhhh-"

Yoruichi smiled that insufferable smile that only felines are capable of.

**BAMF**

An eruption of white smoke obscured the landing zone as Ranma touched down.

Ranma tensed, then relaxed as he realized that nothing small and furry was touching him.

Then tensed up again as he realized that something warm and very familiar **was** underneath him.

He looked down as the smoke cleared.

"Hey!? No fair, why aren't you naked?!"

The young man's outrage was almost comical as he stared into the mischievously twinkling eyes  
of his first wife. The sleek dark skin of her exposed face and neck was complimented by the  
form fitting black combat bodysuit and the bright orange jacket she wore over it. Her long  
dark violet hair was bound up in a loose pony tail that now twisted provocatively behind her  
shoulders. Her generous cleavage pressed up against his chest, even through the barriers  
of cloth he could feel her warmth. He was straddling her, only his outstretched arms and legs  
holding him up from a decidingly compromising position in between her spread thighs.

"You sound disappointed, Honey. Were you looking forward to our reunion so much," Yoruichi teased  
as she took advantage of her husband's preoccupation with keeping himself from falling down on her  
to playfully tap the tip of his nose with one slender finger.

"What did you say?!"

Naturally Akane Tendo would pick that exact moment to show up in the entranceway with her older sister Nabiki right beside her.

"I'll just add this to your tab, Saotome."

Said sister was of course taking the opportunity to click away with her trusty handheld camera  
to capture the incriminating evidence for use later. Oh yes, good old dependable Ranma had  
done it again and this time she didn't feel inclined to settle for peanuts. Nobody made a fool  
of Nabiki Tendo, absolutely nobody.

Ranma's face twitched as he fought to keep his already precarious balance. The muffled snickering  
and chuckling from the couch told him he would find no help there. If he didn't know any better  
he'd have sworn that his wives had all planned this out from the start. But of course that was  
impossible-

"Time for some Sugar, Baby."

In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while  
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled  
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.

Akane's mouth hung open, unable to believe her eyes. The sheer unbelievable audacity of it all kept  
her from moving. She hadn't been gone for more then ten minutes and that idiotic manslut was cheating on her  
with yet **another** big boobed foreigner in her own house of all places!

The pigtailed martial artist's arms spasmed wildly for a few moments before seeming to finally give in  
to the inevitable and surrendering into the taller woman's inescapable embrace just as the outside wall  
to the room exploded.

**BOOM**

-------------------

Three shadowy figures stepped through the circular hole as the dust from the blast began to settle.

"Airen?!"

"Ranma honey?!"

"Ranma darling?!"

Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi stared in horrified fascination at the sight before them.  
Their beloved significant other was sucking face with a woman who wasn't any one of them!

"Oh my."

Kasumi came to a halt by her sisters, a tray of snacks in her hands. There was that naughty boy,  
cheating on Akane again. It was so very improper what he and that woman he was on top of were doing.  
Only bad girls touched boys like that and she could already tell that this new woman was very very bad.

"Bad Ranma!"

"You Jackass!!"

"Insolent wench!!"

Weapons were produced. Shampoo's traditional pair of bonbori were joined by Ukyo's trusty oversized spatula  
and Kodachi's traditional black gymnastic ribbon as the three fuming young women prepared to teach the  
cheater that people who play with girl's hearts go to very bad place. At least that was the intention until  
the still kissing pair on the ground rolled over to put Ranma on the bottom and clearly revealed to them  
for the first time the features of the woman sticking her tongue into his mouth.

"No! It can't be!! Yoru-"

Kodachi's face turned as white as ghost as she took an involuntary step back. That exotic dark face, it  
couldn't be her, she looked exactly the same as she had ten years ago. It was impossible-

"Ara. Why if it isn't little Ukyo. It's been such a long time."

"Geh?! Who...T-t-Tsu-**TSURUKO-SAMA?!!!**"

The oversized baker's peel slipped from Ukyo's nerveless hands as the chef beheld a childhood nightmare made flesh.  
Before the weapon had even hit the ground she was down on her hands and knees babbling a mixture of apologies  
for intruding and pleas for forgiveness.

Shampoo shot the two weak Japanese women next to her withering looks. Didn't they have any warrior's pride?  
Look at them, cowering before these strange women who were obviously after her popular husband, damn him  
for being so irresistable to all women! Well she would show them whose property Ranma was-

Two unblinking eyes of amber gold caught her gaze and seemed to seize her very soul. Her body froze up like  
a puppet made of wood as the sheer intensity behind those piercing orbs seemed to weigh the value of her  
very life in them. It was the most terrifying experience of her entire life and to the Amazon's great shame  
she realized that she'd dishonored her illustrious warrior ancesters by losing control of her bladder while  
being measured by this creature who seemed more demon then human.

When those eyes finally released her, Shampoo slumped to the ground like a sack of wet meal as her trembling legs  
just simply gave out on her. That had not been the look of a seasoned fighter, that had been the gaze of a coldblooded  
killer. Just what were they really dealing with here?!

---------------------

Behind her still clicking camera, Nabiki scowled. This had not been in any of her scenarios. There should have  
been fur flying and Ranma getting blamed by everyone for being a sleazy player by now. She'd made quite  
sure to emphasize to the concerned parties involved that their object of desire was no doubt going to cheat on them  
if they didn't come quickly and show him the error of his philandering ways. So why hadn't it worked?

The two on the floor rolled over again, having still not broken the long oral match between themselves.

"Would you two **CUT THAT OUT**," Akane finally screamed, unable to put up any longer with the perversion going  
on under her family's roof. This was just like when Shampoo had first arrived, that **boy** was only listening to  
the brain located in his pants again. She punctuated her words by grabbing the metal platter that her sister  
Kasumi had been holding and throwing it with precise accuracy at the back of the pigtailed martial artist's head.

Yoruichi's liplock didn't falter in the slightest as one perfectly toned leg kicked out to intercept the  
incoming frisbee, sending it flying straight up. As it came back down that same leg extended up in a display  
of physics defying flexibility to catch the platter on the tips of her toes, where the round metal disc started  
spinning like a top. After a few moments of this the dark skinned beauty flicked her foot back towards  
where the platter had come from, sending the metal tray flying into the air once more to land into Kasumi's  
still outstretched empty hands.

Kasumi blinked, unsure of what had just occurred.

Akane's jaw dropped. That wasn't supposed to happen!

Mana and Tsuruko held up little scoring signs that read '**8.5**' and '**9.2**' respectively.

The dark skinned beauty finally released her spouse's lips with a little sigh of pleasure.

"You've been practicing," she said approvingly as he eased back to let her get up.

"No! I mean, well that is...maybe a little."

Ranma twiddled his thumbs, unable to meet her amused gaze.

"But she was, he was, they were, then who are-!$&-"

A loud **THUMP** announced that Nodoka Saotome's buffer stack had finally overflowed as she fainted dead away onto the floor.

"I think she took that rather well, don't you," Genma said with a forced cheerfulness as he went to help his wife.

--------------------------------------

"Now my son. From the beginning."

Ranma squirmed in his seat at his mother's stern tone like an unlucky worm with a large barbed fishhook shoved up  
its rear end. Flanked on either side by a watchful Yoruichi and Tsuruko while the silent threat of Mana covered the rear  
and with the unhappy glares of his former fiancees/suitors from across the room, never had he wished more for an obvious  
distraction as much as he did right now.

"Hey now, what's going on here?"

It was almost enough to make Ranma weep real tears at the injustice of it all.  
Couldn't the Kami do better then Mr. Tendo? Why did they hate him so? Why?

"Ack?! My house, what happened to my...**SAOTOME!!**"

**[It's not my fault this time!**

Soun glared at his crouching friend, apparently unconvinced by the sign that Genma held up.  
The fact that heavyset martial artist was still in human form might have had something to do  
with that. But in the end Soun knew that there could be only one possibility for blame.

"Now then, Ranma. I trust you have a good explanation for all of this."

Soun's pointed finger most obviously indicated who he meant by '_all of this_'.

The pigtailed young man attempted to instantaneously develop the art of spontaneous human  
teleportation. Failing in that, he opened his mouth and said simply, "No, not really."

Soun paused with his mouth partially open, unsure if the boy was serious  
or just being sarcastic with his deadpan tone.

Nodoka, refusing to be distracted from the issue at hand, rapped the sitting table with the  
hilt of the sheathed katana at her side to get her son's attention.

"Begin."

Ranma scratched the tip of his nose nervously, uncomfortably aware that everyone's attention was  
now focused on him and that there was nowhere to run. He decided that he might as well get it all  
over with and drop the big bombshells first during the introductions. With any luck he might be  
able to find a way out during the ensuing bloodshed and confusion. He resisted shooting an evil  
look at 'Mr. Panda' who had mysteriously decided to show up and start playing innocently with  
a tire in yard, visible through the hole that Shampoo had made in the wall. The **last** thing  
he needed right now was the Jusenkyo curses becoming a topic of conversation.

"Um, This is Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi. I'm kinda, uh...married to them."

"You're what?"

Nodoka wasn't sure that she'd heard that right.

**"THEY'RE WHAT?!"**

Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi were sure that they'd heard him correctly and were staring wide eyed  
at the three beaming faces with officially stamped marriage certificates held up next to them.  
Only their mutual terror of those same women prevented them from rushing en masse and painfully  
extracting more details about the when, why and how of Saotome's newly revealed marital state.

Akane '**_hmphed_**' and pointedly looked away from him. Nabiki and Kasumi decided simultaneously  
that discretion was the better part of valor here and quickly left the room before they could get caught up  
in the brewing firestorm. Not that either of them had any intention of missing anything, but there were  
safer ways of listening in that didn't involve being in the middle of the firing squad.

**"WHY YOU-"**

Soun's head expanded outward into a demonic mask of fury only to suddenly pause and shrink  
back as his finely honed sense of self preservation kicked in for some reason as he noticed  
that the elegant woman in the hakama next to the boy had her eyes closed and was starting  
to laugh softly to herself in an eerie fashion. Taking a second to regain some self control  
and noticing that the feeling of imminent threat faded as he did so, the older man tried again  
in a slightly calmer voice.

"How **DARE** you cheat on my sweet little Akane by getting married to other women!"

"Real big of me, wasn't it? Ahaha-**OwWoWWOWow**"

Ranma's nervous laughter cut off as Tsuruko suddenly rose up behind him and grabbed the sides of his mouth with either hand.

"Was it from this naughty mouth that such things came out of?"

The hapless martial artist teared up as she pinched and pulled the sides of his mouth  
like an angry mother punishing her little boy for uttering a profanity out loud.

"I'm sowwy! I'm sowwy! I von't vu it again!"

"Two points," Mana said as she graded both the pun and punishment. Yoruichi snickered softly behind the cover  
of her hand but didn't disagree with the rating as Tsuruko finally released her grip and allowed Ranma  
to rub his sore cheeks.

"My little baby is married..."

Nodoka's eyes twitched as she attempted to come to grips with the meaning of those words.

The photo albums that were produced and opened up by Mana and Tsuruko probably didn't contribute towards settling her mind either.

Tsuruko helpfully pointed how adorable her little hubby looked in the tuxedo that was obviously meant  
for someone a bit older then he looked in the pictures. Her recollections of how perfectly the wedding  
had gone were contrasted sharply with the look of a man facing his own execution on the Saotome boy's face  
in every photo. Part of that miserable expression could probably be explained by the group of pretty young women  
in yukatas holding swords and other weapons in the background of each and every shot with him in it.

"And there's our first kiss as newlyweds," said the smiling raven haired swordswoman as she indicated  
a particular snapshot that made even Soun wince in unwilling sympathy. While the two were indeed caught  
in the act of lip to lip contact it was quite obvious who was the initiator of the action. Younger Ranma's  
arms tied up in knots of thick rope and suspended over his head from a tree branch so that Tsuruko didn't need  
to bend over to reach him was a rather big clue too.

Akane finally found what she was looking for in Mana's battered album.

"Ah ha! I knew it!!"

She pointed an accusatory finger at the dog-eared picture of a visibly sweating younger Ranma  
swaddled up in long brown robes standing stiffly next to small figure covered from head to toe  
in a faded white burka so that only its eyes and nose were visible. Many bearded and robed  
older men cradling AK-47s like small children in their thickly muscled arms stood behind the pair.

Ranma gave his former fiancee an unreadable look.

"She was twelve years old at the time, Akane. What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?"

Akane looked at him incredulously.

"**YES**," she barked.

"Oh right. I forgot you're a complete moron when it comes to the obvious."

---------------------

Ukyo fought to keep her features under control, mostly succeeding except for the occassional spastic twitch  
of her face as she tried desperately to think of a way to wake up from this nightmare. Bad enough that her  
childhood friend/fiance had somehow managed to screw up again with other women, but why oh why had he gotten  
involved with the boogeywoman of her childhood, the Demon Blade of Kyoto, Tsuruko Aoyama?! She still remembered  
what had happened when the older girl had caught her and her friend Motoko playing hooky from their respective  
lessons. The chef shivered and turned blue, she never had gotten over her fear of turtles ever since then.

Kodachi had kept trying to convince herself that she wasn't crazy. The success of those efforts had been mixed.  
Currently she was fairly certain that she wasn't hallucinating, but that made things even worse in a way. Because  
that implied that those things she'd seen as a little girl had not been her imagination after all. Yoruichi's  
existence supported the reality of the monsters that had tried to eat her. The gymnast looked longingly at  
Ranma's strong arms, desperately wanting to bury herself in his embrace to drive away the old ghosts stirring  
up from her memories but in the end was too afraid of the one who had awakened them from their long slumber.

Shampoo felt inadequate. This was a strange new sensation for her and she didn't like it one bit. That demon in  
human form made her feel small and flat in comparison. Even though she'd had a chance to change into a fresh pair  
of panties while her husband's mother was recovering from her collapse, it still galled the Amazon that she'd  
been beaten by just a look, not one hand had ever been raised against her. And those breasts! Impossibly large  
and shaped perfectly for a man's touch, it was with an effort that Shampoo resisted the desire to gnash her  
teeth together at the unfairness of it all. what Black Magic had that Demoness invoked to make her chest get  
that big without even a hint of sag? How could she compete against those dreadnoughts with her mere battlecruisers?!

-----------------

Nodoka's rising voice brought everyone's attention back to her.

"How could you to do this to your poor mother?!"

Ranma stared at the woman who had given birth to him with eyes as wide as dinner plates  
as she angrily brandished the still sheathed katana she always carried with her at him.

"But..but..isn't that manly? I thought you'd be happy-"

If anything the look on Nodoka's face grew even more furious.

"Happy! Happy!? How could I possibly be happy when you didn't even bother  
to invite your own dear mother to any of the weddings?!"

Ranma's jaw dropped. Akane's jaw dropped. Soun's jaw dropped. Kodachi, Ukyo and Shampoo's jaws dropped.

Mr. Panda happily pretended to ignore everything in favor of digging a large hole in the ground  
and burying his own head into it. This was possibly the smartest thing it had done in quite awhile.

Somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen came a muffled thump as somebody lost their balance and fell to the floor.

In the safety of her own room, Nabiki's eyes twitched wildly under her headphones.

"At least tell me you didn't get any of them pregnant yet! I'm too young to be a grandmother!!"

In response, Ranma looked expectantly at Tsuruko and Yoruichi and tried not to wince at the unblinking  
look that Mana was shooting at him. But as the seconds dragged on without any reply from either of them  
he started to break out into a cold sweat. The icy hand of Death seemed to be draped over his shoulder  
as the blood drained from his face.

_'Don't tell me...oh god I'm going to die now, aren't I?'_

The darkskinned first wife finally shook her head in the negative, causing her husband to wobble  
unsteadily in his seat as a wave of overwhelming relief flooded over him. 

"...not with us...at least."

Tsuruko chose her words with exquisite care. Years of tormenting her younger sister had honed her  
ability to make each meaning implied or otherwise an instrument of pure torture to her chosen target.  
The naked fear she saw in his beautifully expressive eyes was a thing of pure delight. If only they  
had a room with a little privacy...oh the things she would do to him then!

-------------------

Outwardly, Mana retained her normal cool composure even as she stared steadily at her wilting hubby.  
The bounty hunter/mercenary/gun for hire had learned long ago that this self control tended to give her  
an edge over everyone she met with few exceptions. But in the sharp focus of her mind's eye was the  
image of the costume she had originally tried and failed to bed her newly wedded husband with.

With a few adjustments to accomodate her growth in certain areas, that article of dress still fit her.  
She was looking forward to reintroducing it to him again. Turn her down and say he wasn't interested  
in little girls, would he? Well she who laughs last, laughs over the enemy's bloody corpse!

"Ku-ku-ku-ku."

Her classmate Evangeline had been an excellent example for learning how to gloat in a bloodcurdling fashion.

--------------------

"This simply won't do! I just can't accept these marriages as they are!!"

Ranma had never seen his mom work herself up into such a fury before. He was beginning to get an inkling as  
to why his dad was so cowed by what Ranma had always seen as an even-tempered maternal kind of woman.  
Of course that observation was secondary to the sudden ominous silence surrounding him.

Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi were all looking at Nodoka without any expression whatsoever.

Akane nodded in unconscious agreement, glad that finally some common sense had emerged from the madness.  
She could always count on Aunty to back up her claim on the idiot, not that she really wanted him, mind you,  
but a Tendo never gave up what was hers to anyone. And as soon as she got him alone without any witnesses he was  
so going to get what was coming to him for embarrassing her the way he had today.

"You will just have to be remarried again in a proper respectable fashion with your family in full attendance!"

Akane abruptly lost her balance and fell face forward from her seat to the floor.

----------------------

Ranma turned to stone and started to crumble into little pieces as his wives squealed like schoolgirls on crack  
and flocked over to his mother where they started to talk excitedly about things like dresses and caterers  
and other things no mortal man should have to hear more than once in their lives. He could hear giggling  
and whispers and his name being mentioned in ways and tones that made the few remaining scraps of his dignity  
cock a tiny imaginary pistol to its little imaginary head and blow its imaginary brains out.

The doomed young man began to open his mouth to voice an objection when suddenly  
everything went to hell for the second time that day.

--------------------

Akane raised her head with a loud cry of protest. This could not be! Had Aunty Nodoka gone completely stark raving loony?!  
How could that woman betray her like this!?

"I object-"

Whatever she was going to say next was lost in the sound of the wall, the one right next to the wall  
with the boarded up hole already in it, exploding into the room in a shower of mortar and plywood.

A dark blur burst through the hole, a golden spiral blade shaped like a wasp's sting on one outstretched arm.

As various occupants coughed from the dust in the air, the figure finally spotted its target and charged.

**"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!"**

-End Chapter 4 

**-Omake Mode Desu!-**

"Time for some Sugar, Baby."

In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while  
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled  
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.

Akane opened her mouth to scream in outrage, then paused in bewilderment.

That Mana woman had just pulled out a pen and notepad...and she was taking notes?!

** -Lord Raa Guest Omake #2- **

"So then, Ukyo-chan, what are you doing here in Nerima?" Tsuruko asked, the look in her face intimidating all that saw it.

"I'm here to protect Ranchan!"

The kendoist's expression softened to that of a teasing smirk. "Oh really? Well, I suppose that some good has come from your arrival."

"W-what's that?" the chef asked nervously.

"I can tell my little sister that I've found her bishounen sempai. She became rather disillusioned with the male species after you left," Tsuruko explained.

"B-b-but Spatula Girl is a girl!" Shampoo added. "She no man, look!"

"Ack! Stop that, Shampoo!" Ukyo protested as her shirt was ripped open.

"While that is a nice pair of breasts, it's hardly enough to prove that you're a girl, Ukyo-kun. Have you not heard some of the stories that come from Bangkok?"

"Tsuruko," Ranma asked, his head still touching the floor in an attempt to keep it attached to his neck, "a-are you trying to get everyone here naked for some reason?"

"Curses! You've seen through my plan. Still, unless there are any objections, let the orgy begin!" Tsuruko declared.

The silence that descended while that particular comment was digested was broken by Nodoka's enthusiastic cheer.

"My son is so manly that he'll pleasure every girl here!"

"What? When did I say that?" the pigtailed martial artist demanded.

"Ahem," Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi coughed theatrically in unison.

Ranma quickly bowed his head. "I mean, I'll pleasure my lovely, beautiful, sexy wives as many times as they desire!"

"That's better," the wives added, again smiling in unison. 


	6. Life's a Bitch with PMS

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

_"What makes a man? Is it the woman in his arms, just cause she has big titties?  
Or is it the way he fights every day? No, its probably the titties."  
-Now You're a Man, Orgasmo Theme Song _

----------------------------------  
**Chapter 5: Life's a Bitch with PMS**  
----------------------------------

Rukia Kuchiki slid open the door to the meeting room for the Shinigami Women's Association  
and then paused as she noticed something was different today.

No, it wasn't that Vice-Captain Yachiru Kusajishi was stuffing her face full of candy at her seat.  
That was the only way the Association could get her to shut up long enough for them to get anything  
done without the pink haired terror trying to help by saying whatever came to her easily distracted mind.

What was unusual was the decided lack of the other members for the weekly meeting.

She looked around the nearly empty room, hoping to see at least one other face there or failing  
that a note of some kind indicating if the meeting had been cancelled. Just as long as she didn't  
have to ask-

"Ah! Cootie-Cootie!"

Rukia grimaced, the veins in her head throbbing wildly as she tried to rein in the urge to reach out  
and strangle the innocent looking little girl, knowing that if she yielded to the temptation it would  
only end up with Yachiru kicking her ass and probably doodling on her face with a marker.

"He-hello, Vice-Captain Kusajishi. Do you know where everyone else is?"

Rukia started to congratulate herself for managing to keep her tone civil. She could do this after all.

"They're out."

Twitch.

"Ahahaha...Do you know where they went?"

"Nope."

Throb. Throb.

"Did they happen to say anything to you before they left?"

"Hmmmm...I think...I think...Soy Soy said..."

The little Vice-Captain pressed her sticky fingers to the sides of her temples as she concentrated.

"Yes, go on."

"I forgot."

"Why you little-I mean, thank you so much, Miss Yachiru. I'll be going now."

A frozen smile still stuck on her face, Rukia closed the door to the room with a loud bang.

"Oh Rukia! There you are-**KERPOW**-"

Renji never saw the right hook that sent him flying into the wall. Nor did he hear the wild eyed  
Kuchiki stomp off in search of something to break into many little pieces.

He did manage to hear though, that most dreaded of sounds.

"Ohhh! Rooster Head! Let's play!!"

"AAAUUUUUGGGHHH!!!"

----------------------

**"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"**

Ranma grunted as he was knocked onto his back by the force of the figure's charge,  
one arm desperately catching the blade hand behind the wrist as the other deflected  
the follow up elbow strike to his throat.

"Sunvabitch! It's So Flat!"

"That's Soifon," the blackmasked assassin spat as it pushed down with all its might  
to try and shove the long ornate gold sting on its middle finger into his heart.

"I was talking about your chest, you crazy lesbian tomboy! You're still a washing board!"

"What did you say," Soifon growled at him, the already murderous look in her dark hazel eyes  
turning into one that promised a truly long and hideous death after much hurting and stabbings  
for him.

"Still deaf as a post too, I see. Maybe this will clear that up!"

And then there was a loud crack as he headbutted her square in the face.

"Owww! You Bastard!!"

The furious young woman pulled back just far enough for her free arm to slug him in the head.  
He retaliated with an open slap across her cloth covered cheek that sounded so loud  
it made some of the onlookers wince.

"You hit like a girl," the pinned martial artist taunted her as he followed up with  
the back of his hand to her other cheek, ignoring the swelling and darkening of the  
skin already taking place around his left eye.

"Why you-"

The rest of Soifon's words were lost in a garbled stream of invective as the young man  
desperately grabbed for the top of the black hood she wore and pulled it down hard to  
completely obscure her face. As she fought to free herself from the suffocating obstruction  
Ranma used the opportunity to wrest the assassin's weapon hand away from his body.

"-Son Of A Bitch!!"

Soifon finally pulled off the hood from her head, revealing a short haired woman  
who did indeed have a distinctly tomboyish cast to her sharp features. Blood was  
dribbling from one nostril and the corner of her lip while both cheeks were red  
and swollen.

"I am going to draw out your guts through the hole I make when I cut off your filthy manwood, Saotome!"

Ranma's simple but eloquent response to that was another headbutt to the face.

**CRACK**

Then he rolled to toss the stunned assailant back out the hole she'd made.

Soifon made a loud splash as she landed head first in the Tendo's ornamental carp pool.

--------------------------

Nodoka stared, mouth open and finger pointing.

A broad hand came to rest on the shoulder of her robe.

"No dear, you really don't want to know," Genma said gloomily in response to his wife's unvoiced question.

--------------------------

As the pigtailed boy who was yelling at the top of his lungs charged outside  
to continue the fight, Akane could only mutter blankly, "But Ranma doesn't fight girls..."

This got her funny looks from the other former fiancees.

"Ranma fight girls every time. He just no fight _**weaklings**_," Shampoo snorted.

"She's right, sugar." Ukyo nodded in agreement.

"Very true, he makes no discrimination with the fairer sex in battle save for their martial ability.  
It is one of his many endearing qualities."

The aristocratic gymnast was glad for something to distract her from the disturbing sight of Ranma's  
'wives' seeming to take the sudden attempt to kill their husband in stride. The three of them were  
currently arguing over something that involved Rock, Paper, Scissors and illustrating with their  
fingers something long and round...

Kodachi blushed. Even she wasn't **that** flexible.

-------------------------

There were those in Nerima who thought they knew all there was to know about the cocky foulmouthed  
aquatransexual after having to deal with him and the destruction that followed him all over the place  
for the last year or so. They would have been the first to declare that the Saotome boy would never  
ever go all out against a mere slip of a female, no matter how provoked he might be. Whether it was  
chivalry or simple stupidity, the pigtailed martial artist never held a grudge and would never  
hit a woman for real.

Ranma knew better. It was true that he was normally an easy going person with most people.  
But then again most people didn't have an unhealthy obsession with cutting off his penis.  
Ranma was very attached to his penis. It had always stood up for him in good times and in bad.  
Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health his pecker was one of the few things he could  
count on to be there when it mattered...unless cold water was involved.

But he had to keep pounding on that fixated psycho from close up. Saotome knew from experience  
that she would own his ass in medium to long range combat otherwise. Worse, she knew his first  
wife's signature move, Shunpo, the Flash Step. It was one of the few techniques he had never been  
able to master correctly as every time he tried to use it his feet ended up catching on fire.  
If it came down to straight speed against speed, he might as well give up now and save himself  
the humiliation.

But he should be okay as long as-

**"RAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHHHH!!!"**

A blast of white hot steam erupted from the carp pool and the air was filled with the heavy smell  
of boiled fish. Something glowed a brilliant blue from within the cloud of vaporized pond water.

_'Oh fuck.'_

_**"SHUNKO!"**_

This was going to hurt. A lot.

-------------------------

It was a testament to just how badly rattled Soun was at the moment that the sight  
of his potential son in law being blasted back across the yard seemed only noteworthy  
for the fact that the wild stream of blindingly bluish bright energy that smashed the  
boy into and through the dark stone wall serving as the border of the property appeared  
to have been several times bigger then his house.

Searching the pockets of his pants produced a much battered pack of cigarettes.

Sticking one of them into his mouth, the Tendo father stepped outside to light it up.

It wasn't until after the man had taken his first puff that he remembered to blink.

------------------------

He'd been right. It had hurt. Lots.

Ranma coughed, trying to draw a full breath from where he lay in the rubble of what  
had once been a wall and a paved street. Blood trickled over his swollen eye from  
a gash just under the hairline, more of the sluggish crimson leaked from both nostrils  
and the young man could almost imagine that he would hear his ribs creaking like rusty  
door hinges if he listened hard enough. At this point he wasn't really sure if he could  
think of a way to win this time.

He was almost tempted to go for his zanpakuto. Almost.

But given the choice between releasing his zanpakuto and Death, by the narrowest of margins  
Ranma favored Death. A man could die only once, but humiliation killed a thousand times over.  
There was no way in hell that this scrawny bloodthirsty dyke was going to make him use  
the most horrible fucking weapon it had ever been his misfortune to know.

A hiss in the air alerted him that she was coming.

Somehow, he didn't know where, he found the strength to twist and backflip out of the crater he was in.

The muscles in his legs and waist screamed in protest and a stinging sensation to his side that expanded  
briefly outward before fading let him know that Soifon had still managed to score a hit anyway and  
tag him with one of her killer butterfly markings. A second direct hit to there from her blade would  
be the end of him. He darted back, taking another hit on his other side this time. Soifon's movements  
were a blur of black and gold, darting in and out with lightning quickness as she went for the kill shot.

An arm, his hip and then the other arm all spouted the black butterfly targets as he stumbled backwards,  
defending as best he could against the snarling human typhoon coming in at him. It was only a matter of time now-

Ranma tripped over a rock and fell forward. His hands reached out desperately for something, anything  
to catch himself before he hit the ground.

"Wah?!"

Soifon, never expecting her target to be so stupid as to come directly at her and expose himself for certain death,  
was caught by complete surprise and froze in midlunge as Ranma's flailing hands grabbed the ties to her long loose  
pants and pulled them down around her ankles as he fell.

"..."

Ranma lifted his head up, surprised that he wasn't dead already.   
Then his eyebrows rose as he noticed what he was looking at.

"Black kitty panties?"

-----------------------

Soifon's eyes started to twitch as she stood there, still frozen in shock.  
Her face grew redder and redder as the blood rushed to her cheeks.

This miserable excuse for a man had seen what was supposed to have been reserved for Yoruichi-sama's  
sight alone. It was to have been her surprise gift for her lady after ridding her of this crude barbarian  
and his filthy dick. But now she was ruined under the contaminating gaze of the bastard who dared try  
and call himself her mistress's husband. As if that lowborn commoner were worthy to lick the mud from  
her lady's boots. In order to purify this shame there was only one choice left to her.

She had to kill Ranma Saotome.

**"DIE!!!"**

But at this close range, the advantage was his. Before she realized what Ranma was up to he had seized  
the sides of his opponent's panties and then yanked them up hard.

_**"OMEGA SUPREME WEDGIE!!!"**_

Soifon's shriek rattled the windows of the entire block.

-----------------------

Ranma pinned Soifon's arms in a joint lock as he suplexed her headfirst into the street.  
Once the young woman had realized she couldn't stab him with her needle style zanpakuto  
it had been resealed back into its original katana form in order for her to use the longer  
cutting blade against him. Unfortunately for her, it didn't matter what kind of weapon  
was in her hands if she couldn't point it at-

A slender muscled leg kicked him hard between the legs.

It wasn't a direct hit of the kind that would have required emergency surgery to remove his outsides  
from his insides, but it still clipped him in the balls hard enough that Ranma lost his hold on his  
opponent and fell down gagging slightly as he tried to quell the sudden nausea rushing up from his pelvis.  
A right hook caught him in the chin and he tasted blood as the impact sent him crashing backwards.

The martial artist tried to get back up, but a weight dropped on his chest and a hand suddenly  
seized him through his pants and squeezed with fingers that felt like steel clamps.

"Fucker," Ranma gasped, trying to dispel the stars in his eyes but not having much success.

"You won't be able to after I finish," Soifon purred softly.

The air hissed as she brought her sword back to make the cut.

And at that moment the much abused water main under the crater they were in decided that it had  
finally had enough and gave way. The cracked concrete all around them started to spurt cold  
water everywhere. Ranma felt the first jets hit and soak through the back of his torn shirt and  
screamed in a voice that changed pitch midway through, "Goddamnit!!"

---------------------

Soifon's bewilderment at having a pair of plump breasts suddenly pop up under her ass was nothing  
compared to the nasty shock she got when the dirty male part she was grasping suddenly shrank and  
vanished, leaving her holding an empty clump of wet pants.

"What kind of trick is this?!"

She frantically started to yank down Ranma's pants in order to confirm what had just happened  
when an angry female voice suddenly growled out from under her.

_**"One...Thousand...Years..of...**_**PAIN!!!"**

Two index fingers suddenly introduced themselves the wrong way down a one way street.

---------------------

Akane Tendo couldn't decide which was worse. That ungodly cry that seemed to go on forever,  
Aunty Nodoka saying "That sounded like someone shoved a fifteen inch cock up their ass"  
or Tsuruko and Yoruichi instantly contradicting her by saying the pitch was all wrong.

The fair skinned Kendo mistress then gave the woman with the dark purple hair a significant look.

Yoruichi nodded and said casually to the room at large, "Time to bring those naughty kids back in."

Another pointed look by Tsuruko towards Shampoo, Kodachi and Ukyo made the three girls realize that  
they had important business to attend to elsewhere, that it really couldn't wait and they needed  
to see to it as soon as possible if not sooner. The girls scrambled to their feet, mumbled hasty farewells  
and fled as fast as they could with what scraps remained of their dignity.

---------------------

Yoruichi found them still in the cratered street, Soifon in a tight headlock under the redhead's right arm,  
the side of her face mashed against the large breast on that side which was covered only by thin wet cloth.

The pigtailed girl was yelling at the tomboyish shinigami, "Who's your daddy now," then sticking her victim's head  
into a spouting geyser of water shooting out in front of them when Soifon kept on cussing at her.

After a few seconds of this Soifon was pulled back out, coughing and spitting out water while still trying  
to swear at her tormenter. The redhead then started to noogie her, moving her knuckles with such speed that  
they seemed to be a blur. This also had the unintentional effect of completely squashing the now dazed young  
woman's face into her bust.

Yoruichi clapped her hands together to get the combatants attention.

"Okay you two, that's enough for now."

The pigtailed girl froze in mid-noogie.

"Let her loose, Ranma."

"Do I have to," she whined like a little kid deprived of a sweet that she'd really been looking forward to.

"Yes."

Reluctantly, the redhead released her captive.

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the back of Ranma's brain, a lonely thought stirred and tried to find its way out  
of the dark corner it had been languishing in. It hoped it would be able to get out before it died of old  
age...or was that loneliness, it could never remember which one it was. But this was a very important thought,  
that much at least it knew. And so it struggled onward, determined to deliver itself without fail,  
for neither sleet nor snow would stop the mail-yes, this thought was going to take awhile to figure out  
where it was going and how to get there.

Soifon shook herself, trying to clear her head of the fog that had come over her senses while that  
man-woman-whatever it was, had tried to suffocate her in that marshmallow hell. Once she was back  
to something resembling a state of readiness, the short haired girl grabbed her sword from the ground  
and charged back to complete her mission.

Tried to, rather. Her legs and feet made running motions, but found themselves unable to find any purchase  
on the ground. For that matter they were unable to find the ground at all.

"None of that, Soifon."

Soifon tried to swallow around the tightness in the base of her throat and found herself having trouble  
with that since the front collar of her uniform was pulling up into her neck as something was lifting her  
up by the back of it. That something of course was the hand of the dark skinned woman in the blazing  
orange jacket now standing behind her.

"Yoruichi-sama!"

That little thought saw the light at the end of the tunnel and started running for the exit. It tripped,  
fell over and knocked itself silly as it careened into the side of Ranma's dense skull. This resulted in  
yet another thought being dislodged that while not in the same category of importance as the first thought,  
was a bit quicker on the uptake and managed to get where it was going without too much trouble.

Ranma pointed an angry finger at Soifon.

"Hey, wait a minute! I thought you Soul Society types couldn't operate in the real world.  
What's the point of being alive if the dead people end up chasing me here anyway?!"

Before the tomboyish figure could answer her, a hand the color of warm bronze came around  
and cupped the front of the woman's relatively flat chest.

Soifon ceased her her futile attempts to slip free and let out a soft moan.

----------------------

**Squeeze. **

"Urahara really does good work. This has to be the best gigai he's made so far."

**Pinch.**

_"My Ladyyyy!!"_

**Cup. Grope. Rub.**

"..."

Ranma knew that there was something very wrong about watching one's spouse feel up another woman  
in front of you. Pity that she couldn't remember what it was exactly. So she merely watched, mouth   
only slightly open, as her first wife explored what seemed to be every inch of Soifon's dripping wet  
body with those wandering hands.

Meanwhile that tired and lonely little thought finally stumbled onto the right exit completely by chance.

"Oh shoot."

That was right, she hadn't told them about the curse yet. So how had she been able to-

"We know."

Yoruichi's gold eyes locked on to hers even as the woman's captive whimpered as the pleasurable torture ceased.

"Ah...and-"

"We know."

"Oh. Even the-"

"Yes, we know."

"But-"

"We know **Everything**."

Ranma finally clamped her mouth shut, beads of cold sweat dotting her forehead.

"We'll talk about it inside."

The pigtailed girl let out a soft whimper.

----------------------

Disaster had come to the Tendo Household. And it had a name, a face and two wrinkled little hands  
considered weapons of mass destruction by every female between the ages of fifteen and forty  
in the Nerima district.

"Hotcha!"

A kind of horrified silence engulfed the regular members of the Tendo household as  
they heard the Gates of Hell start to swing open and unleash the End of the World  
in that gleeful aged voice.

"Master! Please, No!!"

Soun's face hit the floor with a flick of the old man's pipe. A Panda soon joined him on the ground,  
the signs in its paws reading _**'Stop!'**_ and _**'We're all gonna Die!!'**_ respectively.

Happosai, Master of the Founding School of Anything Goes, Supreme Grand Pervert in the Order of Letch  
and Tireless Defender of Bras, Panties and Garter Belts was here. And he had found the promised land.

Breasts, hips and bottoms of perfection. His gnarled old fingers literally itched at the sight of the  
two visions sitting there, apparently unaware of the little old man who had hopped inside. Truly this  
would be a day to remember and what better way then to make some memories right now!

He leaped forward.

"Sweet-"

And then the pair of them turned to look at him.

"-oooh, **YOU?!!**"

Happosai somehow managed to come to a complete stop in midair before his feet hit the ground well away  
from the woman he'd been about to try and feel up. It wasn't an easy feat by any measure, but the old  
wrinkled martial artist had been particularly motivated in this case to do so.

There weren't many things that truly frightened the energetic letch.

"Why if it isn't Dear Grandfather Happosai. Fancy seeing you here."

Tsuruko Aoyama of the God's Cry School was second from the top on that short list.

-----------------------

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

If he could mold a sickly little child like Hinako Ninomiya into a perfect partner for underwear theft,  
then what heights of precious panty pilfering could be achieved by training a true protege of the Art?

He'd seen so much untapped potential there, lacking only the proper guidance to awaken that sleeping power.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Grandpa Happi."

And so Happosai had introduced himself to little Tsuruko Aoyama and started her  
on the path down the Dark Side of the Force...of Perversion.

He'd succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. And his worst nightmares.

-----------------------

Ranma walked slowly back into the house with the other two women behind her preventing any delusions  
of escape. Somehow she wasn't really surprised to see that Happosai was now here. After all it just   
wouldn't be a day gone completely to Hell and come back with a free shirt without that old troublemaker  
getting involved sooner or later.

The pigtailed martial artist's first thought left her mouth before consulting with her brain.

"Old Perv, your timing _**really**_ sucks."

When the little old man slowly turned towards her, Ranma just nodded wearily  
at the familiar look on that wrinkled face.

"I see you've met Tsuruko before."

"Pervert! Stop exposing yourself and put some dry clothes on!!"

Confronted with too many changes to cope with in a single day, Akane Tendo was retreating behind familiar  
patterns as her mind struggled to force things into an explanation that made sense to her worldview.

She wasn't the only one.

"Ranko! That's not an acceptable state for a decent young woman!!"

"Ummm..."

Ranma finally gave a small shrug and decided she was already royally boned as it was so  
a little bit more wouldn't make any real difference at this point.

"Hi Mom, it's me."

She gave her staring mother the best attempt at a smile she could muster at that moment.

One could almost hear the little click that went on in Nodoka Saotome's head as she put  
two and two together and got a four which now sprouted breasts the size of large grapefruits.

"Ranma!?!"

**Thunk**

"I think she took that pretty well, don't you think, Pops?"

_**'Boy, that was uncalled for!'**_

The Panda glared at his son cum daughter as he supported his wife's limp body with  
one hairy limb while the other held up his wooden sign.

"When you figure out a way to break it to her gently that my dick disappears in a cold shower, let me know."

Genma flipped his sign around.

_**'Okay, maybe you have a point there. But still you really need to learn some tact.'**_

"Then you should have taught me some when you had the chance."

Ranma suddenly punched out, catching Happosai in the face as he sprang for her soaking wet chest.

"Stupid Old Letch."

The little wrinkled martial artist slowly slid off of Ranma's fist and dropped to the floor.

"You ungrateful brat! I've suffered a nasty shock and I need the comfort of a warm bosom  
to ease-my-**HOLYMARIAJOSEPHANDSANTIAGO!!!**"

Ranma blinked in surprise. She'd seen Happosai angry. She'd even seen the old fart scared before.  
But this the first time that she'd ever witnessed the ancient pervert go absolutely bone white   
from the top of his bald head to the tips of his shrivelly toes.

"Y-y-y-y-y-Yo-yoru-i-yo-y-yoruichi-sama?!"

Ranma just stared at the unprecedented sight of the fearsome Happosai, the Bane of all Japan, China  
and most of the rest of Asia, get down on his hands and knees and start groveling at a level and passion  
that easily put Genma and Soun's past efforts in that area to shame.

"Little Happi. It certainly has been a long time, hasn't it."

The pigtailed girl looked at his wife, then at Happosai, then at his wife again. Finally she came to a decision.

"I'm not even going to ask."

Some things were just better off remaining unknown.

-End of Chapter 5

**Omake! Omake! Omake!**

**Innortal's Omake**

Ranma tripped over a rock and fell forward. His hands reached out desperately for something,  
anything to catch himself before he hit the ground.

"Wah?!"

Soifon, never expecting her target to be so stupid as to come directly at her and expose himself  
for certain death, was caught by complete surprise and froze in midlunge as Ranma's flailing hands   
grabbed the ties to her pants and pulled them down around her ankles as he fell.

"..."

Ranma lifted his head up, surprised that he wasn't dead already.  
Then his eyebrows rose as he noticed what he was looking at.

"Ranma, m'boy," cried Happosai. "So you finally found me. Now help me out here! Shinigami pretties  
are always good for a fix, even if they're on girls like this."

It was the only time Ranma was ever glad for the Old Perv to be there. Soifon was so busy trying  
to kill Happosai, she forgot all about him.

**Lord Raa's Omake **

Ranma's wives looked on at the fight with disapproval.

"Ordinarily I would not interfere with someone else's battle," Tsuruko said as she placed her teacup on the table.  
"However, when that battle damages something as important it has, it offends my sense of justice. I must act."

Yoruichi nodded. "Yes, even though it pains me to hurt a friend, there are some things that cannot be ignored."

As the two stood up to unleash some righteous fury, two loud shots rang out. They turned to sound of the gunfire.

"What? That's not supposed to be treated like that, especially since I've yet to have a ride on the 'Wild Horse',"   
the mercenary replied, her normally calm visage contorted with an anger that wouldn't be out of place on Akane Tendo.  
"Now, help me turn Ranma male again and get him to bed."

The Saotome in question was still a little stunned to note that her opponent was now unconscious  
with two tranquiliser darts sticking out of her butt cheeks.

Looking up, Ranma noticed that Mana still had her rifle and a red aura around her. Not that his other wives  
seemed too pleased with the situation.

"Come along, Ranma-kun," Tsuruko said with a naughty grin on her face as she pulled the redhead up off the street.

"We've got to make sure that you're still fully functional..."

**-Scary Thought, Isn't It Omake**

Ranma blinked in surprise. She'd seen Happosai angry. She'd even seen the old fart scared before.  
But this the first time that she'd ever witnessed the ancient pervert look like a little kid at Christmas.

"My God, is it really you? After all these years..."

Slowly, the little figure went down on his knees before the disbelieving eyes of those present.

Producing a black pair of panties from somewhere on his person, he held them out to Yoruichi as if in tribute.

She bent to take it and then took a long appreciative sniff of the feminine underwear in her hand.

"Mmmmmmmm, A fine bouquet. Ripe Kinky Young Virgin. And still warm too."

In the kitchen, Kasumi suddenly put a hand to the bottom of her housedress  
as she realized that something was missing.

And then Yoruichi spoke three words that caused the entire Tendo household to recoil from her in horror.

"Rise, my apprentice."

"Yes, My Master."

**Lord Raa's Omake 2**

"Y-y-y-y-y-Yo-yoru-i-yo-y-yoruichi-sama?!"

Ranma just stared at the unprecedented sight of the fearsome Happosai, the Bane of all Japan, China  
and most of the rest of Asia, get down on his hands and knees and grovelling at a level and passion  
that put Genma and Soun's past efforts in that area to shame.

"Little Happi. It certainly has been a long time, hasn't it?"

"W-w-w-w-what i-is it that you want?" the shrivelled lecher asked.

"To settle a few debts," the dark-skinned beauty grinned. "You know, collect my husband,  
punish the worthless father-in-law and since you're here, ensure that you receive EXACTLY what you deserve."

"And what's that, Yoruichi-chan?" Ranma asked, unsure if she wanted to know.

The Shinigami's grin turned into a huge smile. "I have to make sure that Little Happi here is truly a master of his art.  
There's one last qualification that he needs to pass."

"N-n-n-n-n-n-no," Happosai stammered as the realisation hit him. "T-t-t-there's no need to put me through that,  
Yoruichi-sama."

"Oh, but I disagree. Don't think that I haven't been keeping tabs on things here in Nerima, Little Happi."

"What are you going to do to the old man?" Mana asked.

"Six words: Fifteen. Inch. Black. Rubber. Cock. Certification," Yoruichi answered with a smile.

"Not the dreaded 15IBRC Certification?" Tsuruko asked, aghast.

"The very same."

**-There Is No Escape Omake**

_**"SHUNKO!"**_

This was going to hurt. A lot.

And it did.

But only for a moment.

Ranma blinked and stared up at the blue sky overhead.

"Shit, not again."

Soul Society, the last place in the universe that he wanted to be.

"Why hello there!"

And here was one of the reasons why.

"Oh dear, the belt to my yukata has just come undone, whatever shall I do?  
Why I'll be totally exposed to the gaze of whoever happens to pass by."

Zip. Zoom. Gone.

Rangiku Matsumoto snapped her fingers in disappointment.

"I was that close."

The gauntlet had been thrown down. And the busty blonde shinigami did not accept defeat so easily.

"Of course you know, this means war."

And the chase was on.


	7. Rock the Cock

Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

_"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,  
and those inside desperate to get out."  
-Montaigne_

**--  
Chapter 6: Rock the Cock  
--**

His name was Ranma. And at the moment he was dancing around in pain from the kettle  
of scalding hot water that had just been poured onto his now steaming head.

"Hot water! Not boiling!!"

"Oh."

Mana cocked her head slightly, her straight face making it impossible to tell if she'd  
done that deliberately or not. Her stealthy approach had gone unnoticed until the moment  
she'd actually poured the water on her husband's head. It was a useful talent, being able  
to blend into the background despite her height and exotic profile. One that she'd developed  
extensively during her many hazardous assignments around the world.

As she walked back to her seat, her hips seemed to give an extra curvy sway that captured  
Ranma and Happosai's attention like a pair of red hot pliers clamped to their eyes,  
though in a much more enjoyable fashion. Placing the empty kettle back on the table  
the tall girl sat back down with the tiniest of smirks on her lips.

Ranma was left to wonder why was it that guys could say hello to each other and get it over with,  
while girls had to spend forever introducing themselves to each other and what the hell did  
Soifon's clothes have to do with what was supposed to be a simple goddamn fucking greeting  
and could they just get the whole thing over with already because the suspense of what was coming  
was really starting to get to him and _oh no Happosai you stupid fuck-_

"Don't do it."

It took Happosai a moment to realize the boy was addressing him out of the corner of his mouth.

This of course did not sit well with the ancient master, who was he to tell him that-

"She likes to aim low."

Something in the boy's eyes made the wrinkled letch pause as the unspoken meaning was conveyed.

"Ah."

Happosai crossed his little legs protectively.

"What the hell did you do to bring them here, Ranma," he whispered back.

"Married them."

The old master did a doubletake before spinning around and pointing up at the resigned boy.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Ranma seriously considered that question.

At this point? Probably.

-x-

Mousse swept the floor of the Nekohanten.

_**Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.**_

It really wasn't that bad of a position. He got three meals a day, a place to sleep  
and was able to spend the majority of his time around the girl he loved.

**_Sweep. Sweep. Sweep._**

Oh who was he kidding? The old ghoul made his life hell. He had to make do with kitchen  
scraps they wouldn't have fed to a pig back in the village, he slept on a straw mat and  
Shampoo wouldn't give him the time of day unless it was to tell him it was time to get lost.

**Bang**

"Welcome back, Shampoo."

As usual, the object of his affections ignored his greeting.

"Great Grandmother!"

Mousse's ears twitched. An angry Shampoo was one not safe to be around. But if she was upset  
then it could only mean one of three things. Ranma had done something stupid to piss her off again,  
one of the other girls had done something to Ranma to piss her off again or there was a new player  
in town doing something to Ranma to piss her off again.

As quietly as he could, the white-robed boy started sweeping into the corner where he would be less  
likely to be noticed eavesdropping on the increasingly interesting conversation taking place between  
the wildly gesturing purple haired amazon and the shrunken old monkey on her long gnarled staff.

_'What the hell have you gotten yourself into this time, Saotome?'_

-x-

What had he gotten himself into this time?

"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"

"Yes dear."

Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently  
pointing at his nose. His mother's desire for an explanation that had better actually explain what  
the hell this was all about had been temporarily delayed in favor of his third wife getting a simple  
point across. Namely, that she wasn't into other girls and that as her husband he should respect her  
decision in this matter or suffer a horribly painful death.

Not that Ranma had any problems with that, it wasn't like he was comfortable with the whole tits on tits thing either.  
As far as he was concerned the whole tab to slot business was complicated enough already without having to figure out  
how to deal with only outlets and no plugs.

"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."

Ranma did his best to ignore the glare of death coming from Soifon as Yoruichi nuzzled up against his back.  
It wasn't like he wanted her to press herself so close to him like a kitten playing with her favorite toy,  
even if it did feel really good.

Mana didn't bother to give a response as she finally holstered her weapon.

Yoruichi turned towards Tsuruko instead, looking for support.

"Perhaps. But his female form is not to my tastes."

Ranma wondered which females might be to his second wife's tastes but decided it was safer not to let his  
mind wander into that dangerous territory as he was pretty certain the answer would only make his situation  
even worse if that was still possible.

Nodoka cleared her throat deliberately as if to illustrate that particular point.

"I am still awaiting a full explanation for all of this."

"Um..."

The pigtailed boy's eyes eyes darted around, not daring to meet his mother's intense gaze as he was  
well aware that he had a shitty poker face that hid guilt about as well as a sieve held water. He  
looked at Kasumi as she quietly pretended to be part of the furniture while she listened and watched  
the rest of the room. He watched Nabiki trying to probe for information, unaware that she was actually  
giving away more then she was learning from her three ill-chosen targets. He saw Akane alternate between  
glaring daggers at him and his wives. He sincerely hoped she wouldn't do anything stupid like try to  
get into a fight thinly diguised as a sparring match with any of them. Or even worse, try to be friendly  
and cook something for them.

"Well? When were you going to tell me about this...**curse**?"

The short pause and emphasis on the last word of his mother's question gave Ranma  
renewed determination to avoid getting his own gaze caught by the two sizzling lasers  
burning holes in the general vicinity of his head.

"Um, never, if we could help it."

By all rights he knew he should have spontaneously combusted from the nuclear death rays  
that now seemed to tug his own eyeballs towards the Fully Armed and Operational Deathstar that  
now glowered at him from across the table.

"Uh, what the boy means to say Nodoka dearest is that we were trying to fix this little problem  
before there was any need to be concerned."

Ranma had to give his father credit where it was due. When it came to fabricating explanations on  
the fly to try and escape a jam, the old man could tangle truth and misdirection so completely that  
it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.

If Genma had also managed to get what he was supposed to get that morning,  
they might live to see tomorrow after all.

-x-

With trembling hands, Kodachi carefully removed the engraved wooden cover from a dust covered box  
that had sat undisturbed in the darkness under her four poster bed for almost ten years. In it she  
had long ago placed items from her childhood. Things that had once been treasured and things  
that she had hoped would remain forgotten.

But now she had no choice but to confront those old ghosts again.

_"Mother..."_

The photo had browned slightly with age at the corners but she could still see the elegant yet  
kind visage of the woman who had given birth to her, started to raise her and then sacrificed  
her own life to the monsters that had sought them both out so that her daughter might live.

Blinking her eyes briefly against the unaccustomed weight of tears that years of training demand  
she not shed, Kodachi moved the painful photo away in favor of another equally aged one.

But unlike the last photo, there were two figures in this picture. And there was no mistaking that  
feline grin or the telltale features that even a black and white photo couldn't obscure.

There was no doubt about it.

It was her.

_"Yoruichi."_

-x-

Four words cracked through Genma's rambling mixture of denial,  
obscuration and outright fabrication like the Trumpet of Doom.

"I can explain everything."

Ranma's heart seemed to skip a beat. That phrase was arguably the one of the last things  
that anyone who had any experience at all with prior proclamations of that nature  
from that particular source ever wanted to hear.

His dark skinned first wife got up, stretching out her legs as she did so. There was just a trace  
of mischief in her smile, which Ranma knew meant that she might as well have held up a big sign  
reading **_'Baby, you're fucked'_**.

From somewhere in her jacket she extracted what looked like a stuffed toy panda doll. The sight of it seemed  
to terrify Genma beyond the capacity of audible speech. The bandana head covering trembled as the older man  
made sounds more suitable to a small fuzzy animal caught in the steel jaws of a hunter's trap.

As Yoruichi approached his father with a delibrate stride that sent chills running up Ranma's spine,  
he was almost tempted to ask just what she had in mind. But as he valued what was left of his sanity  
and peace of mind over his curiosity, the young man remained silent.

**WHACK**

Yoruichi slapped Genma hard on the back.

The solidly built martial artist jerked forward and coughed something out of his mouth that flew  
through the air before suddenly crashing to the ground like a puppet whose strings had suddenly been cut.

"Pops?"

His father didn't seem to be breathing.

"Oh my God! She's killed Uncle Genma!!"

Ranma dismissed that idea immediately. His first wife just wasn't that kind.

Of course even that didn't prepare him for the sight of the little panda doll suddenly getting up  
of its own accord and saying in a squeeky voice that bore almost no resemblence to Genma's gruff  
tone but was somehow unmistakably the same,_** "Yourichi-sama!! Why did you have to put me back in here?!"**_

"Ge-Genma?!"

Soun Tendo pointed a shaky pale finger at the doll.

_**"Soun old buddy, it's not what it looks like!"**_

Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.

"This explains so much."

Kasumi looked at him hopefully.

"Really?"

"Well, no. Not really."

-x-

Ukyo Kuonji huddled on the wooden floor under her bed. Somehow she had managed to hold it together  
until she had made it back to her shop. But once she'd crossed the front door, the panic  
and shaking had suddenly overcome her and she'd fallen back on the instincts of childhood.

She'd almost forgotten how Tsuruko could do that 'look' that made her want to pee her pants.  
The woman was a demon, a devil, an unstoppable force of nature that made the Four Horsemen redundant.

And she was married to Ranma.

_'What do I do? What do I do?!'_

The chef's mind raced, maybe if they ran away together to Antarctica? No, it wasn't far enough.  
Send that old perverted master of Genma and Soun after her? She grimaced at the thought of what  
might happen. No, best to save that for a last resort. Maybe a lover's suicide? After all, not even Tsuruko  
could come after them if she and Ranma were dead, right? But she suspected that her fiance  
probably wouldn't agree to that, though if he only knew the true terror of the Aoyama woman...

At times like this, Ukyo really wished that she could have talked to her childhood friend, Motoko.  
The two of them had been able to talk freely about many things, united by their dislike of boys, love  
of martial arts and mutual terror of _She Who Must Not Be Named_. But she hadn't seen the other girl  
since starting middle school when the brown haired okonomiyaki cook had started her crossdressing  
and transferred to a boy's academy.

If only she knew where her old friend was, Kuonji was sure that together they would be able to come up  
with a plan to drive off the Demon Swordswoman of the Aoyama Clan.

-x-

Tsuruko calmly took a sip of tea.

It was a decent blend, but sadly lacking compared to what she had been served  
at the Hinata Dorm when visiting her younger sister. She turned her attention  
back to the amusing little drama and said in a pleasant voice, "Do go on please."

"Well I suppose we had better start at the beginning."

"Yes, that would probably be for the best," Tsuruko said without a hint of irony.

"Um."

Eyes turned and focused on a suddenly sweating pigtailed boy.

"I was just thinking..."

"A habit that we certainly wish to encourage," Yoruichi purred.

The young man went red in the cheeks, but continued anyway.

"This doesn't seem like the right place to discuss, uh...private family matters."

Soun lifted his head up at that, indignant outrage radiating from every pore.

"Anything you have to say can be said freely in this household."

In one synchronized movement, everyone else in the room turned to look pointedly at Nabiki  
who looked back innocently at them all as if the tape recorder in her hand didn't exist.

"What? Can't blame a girl for trying to make an honest living."

"Actually yes, I can," Ranma told her bluntly.

-x-

The Foul Sorcerer!

That he possessed the blossoming jewels that were Akane Tendo and Pigtailed Girl  
were cause enough for the loathsome fiend to be smited with the justice of the heavens!  
But surely that depraved Saotome had sold his soul to demons in order to ensnare the  
perfection of womanhood that was his Goddess Nadesico. Nothing else could explain  
the lowly cur's connection to such a vision of beauty and devotion as to be  
fit for status of a true Samurai's bride.

Oh how she must have suffered, kept away from the House of Kuno by such unnatural powers  
from her one destined true love. He must rescue her from the slavish bondage that she might  
proclaim her true feelings and reward her hero with both body and soul that naturally  
were his by right of the noble bearing and purity of spirit that embodied Tatewaki Kuno.

Wiping a stray trickle of drool from his mouth, the hakama clad figure contemplated his  
perfect visage in the full body mirror before him. Yes, he could see why his beauties were  
always so excited to get their hands on him and of course he could not deny any of them  
the bounty that they so eagerly sought. Those eyes, that face, that perfect head of hair  
and of course his body was at its peak. It held the strength of a thousand and the vigor  
to satisfy any number of fair maidens though of course his main attentions would always  
be given to his three true loves, how could he wound such innocent hearts by turning away  
their freely offered charms? It was simply his burden to bear this sinful beauty and the  
sensation built up inside of him even as his enraptured reflection threw open the front of  
its clothes to display its manly erect nipples.

"Attend to me, Sasuke!"

The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted a scarlet wig with a pigtail  
on the end and stuck a pair of imitation silicon breasts under the front of his uniform.

Then in squeaky high pitched trill he called, _"Coming Master Kuno."_

**fap fap fap**

-x-

"Did you have someplace more appropriate in mind?"

Mana's voice dripped butter and sugar. This in and of itself was enough to  
make the hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stand on end. She was never this  
sweet unless there was a target that she needed to get close to in order to  
introduce you to one of her friends, Mr. Bullet or Miss Combat Knife with  
pull out garrotte option.

"Ah...Uh...Um..."

He shot the stuffed Panda a frantic look.

**_"We have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jade,"_** It squeaked.

"That's right, we have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jad-**GAK-**"

Ranma nearly swallowed his tongue as he did a double take, his brain having  
caught up to what his father had said just a little too late.

_'Pops, you **IDIOT!!**'_

Reactions to the announcement varied.

Nabiki gasped and fell over in shock. Kasumi looked confused. Akane looked mildly  
digusted but didn't really see why her sister had overreacted like that. So what  
if he wanted to schmooze with the floozies? It wasn't like she cared at all.

Mana looked slightly impressed. Tsuruko's calm face revealed nothing of what she thought  
about this announcement. Yoruichi merely smiled and made her own plans in the kind of  
expectant silence that normally precedes natural disasters such as tornadoes, hurricanes  
and tsunamis. Soifon simply glared flatly at Ranma as if she would like nothing more  
than to stab him multiple times before cutting off the meat and veggies.

"That's perfect, you can take my little Akane with you on a date."

Ranma just stared at Soun. He had to be kidding. Surely nobody could  
possibly be that fucking stupid or impervious to reality who wasn't  
a Kuno or a Hibiki.

"Mr. Tendo, this is a **private family** dinner."

He tried to stress the important bits as slowly and deliberately as he could.

"Then there shouldn't be any problems with your fiancee. I'm sure you'll show her a great time."

Genma slapped a small stuffed panda arm over his plush face. He couldn't bear to watch this.

Sensing the looks homing in on him from the side of the table, the brave pigtailed martial artist  
decided to abandon polite hints and get straight to the bloody point before the blood  
on the points was his.

"There's no stupid engagement with that stupid tomboy.** I'M ALREADY MARRIED!**"

Soun dismissed this argument with a wave of his hand. Petty things like that  
would not stop the sacred Tendo-Saotome agreement from going through.

"You will take your betrothed with you to this Heart of Jade and that is final."

"You're not listening to a thing I'm saying, are you?"

"So what time will you be picking her up?"

"Try never."

"Hmmph! Who wants to go to a stupid dinner with you anyway?"

Akane pointedly turned her back on him. She wasn't going to talk to the idiot  
until he apologized to her. Ranma was going to have to grovel good and long  
on his knees this time, she wasn't going to accept anything less after what  
he'd done to her today.

_"-thinks they're so hot, just because they've got silicon breasts and stupid  
swords and cheating guns. Only losers and weaklings need guns,"_ she muttered to herself.

_'Oh shit. She did not just diss the guns.'_

At that moment Ranma discovered religion. He silently prayed with all of his heart and offered his soul  
to anyone listening that Akane's grumblings had not been overheard by anyone else.

"Excuse me?"

Helium would have frozen from the deathly chill in those uttered words.

Ranma closed his eyes and bowed his head in resignation.

_'Fuck you, Universe. Fuck you so much.'_

Any sane person with an ounce of common sense would have been embarassed at having been  
caught saying something so rude and apologized. Akane Tendo, having had a very long and  
very bad day, with the scent of her own burnt hair still strong in her nose and her normal  
patience and understanding pushed beyond the breaking point, was not thinking clearly at all.

"You heard me. Only losers and weaklings need to cheat with guns in order to win.  
If you didn't have them I could teach you your place. You and all the other foreign bimbos  
think you're so hot with your fake boobs-"

"Shut up Akane. Look Mana, she's mentally retarded and is always saying stuff but it doesn't  
really mean anything. She's just like one of those little dogs that likes to bark but is so  
weak that they run away-"

The young woman simply looked at him with those predatory amber eyes and said nothing.

_"...I'll shut up now,"_ he squeaked.

That was the last straw. How dare Ranma belittle her abilities! She'd have hit him but that  
was something that could wait. First, she was going to get revenge for her hair and grind  
that big boobed gaijin's face into the floor!

"I challenge you to a match in the Dojo! No guns, just you and me. And when I win,  
you and those other floozies clear out of here!"

Even Soun looked a little shocked by his daughter's explosive outburst.

Mana smiled. It was a thing of terrible beauty, like seeing the sleek lines  
of a shark approaching through the water right before it made a meal out of you.

"I don't do jobs for free."

The pigtailed boy started to breathe again.

"But this time, I think I'll make an exception."

Ranma's heart skipped a beat.

"After all, I know where I can collect my compensation afterwards."

She looked directly at him again. And it was only then that Ranma finally remembered  
that this was the same girl who had once wanted to make out on a smoking battlefield  
surrounded by the fresh victims of her unerring sniper skills.

Fucked just didn't cut it anymore. He was now hurtling along  
down the Grand Unified Theory of Ass where PI equalled Grass.

"This should be interesting," Yorochi purred to Soifon.

Yep, he was definitely hosed now.

--x--

In Hong Kong there was an apartment.

In that apartment a television was blaring.

**_"-Unnamed sources have confirmed that his personal shotgun was the source of the two blasts  
to his face. Officials are still looking for this person of interest in the bizzare accidental  
death of the Vice President at this Texas hunting lodge. She is believed to be of either Pakistani  
or Indian descent and was last seen dressed in traditional tribal clothing. If you see her,  
please contact local authorities immediately."_**

A police sketch flashed across the glowing screen. The face of an unsmiling young girl  
with a dusky complexion and eyes like molten gold stared back from the television.

A sound that could have been a croak or a laugh escaped from the figure watching the news.

The television switched off, leaving the room lit only by the pale green glow of the lights  
coming from the humming machines around the room's only bed.

A number was dialed. When the other party picked up, the occupant of the bed said,

_"Let the Angel fly free. Moses calls for his Sixth to be a sign of good faith.  
As it is written, let it be done."_

And then there was the click of a connection being broken.

_"Soon. Very soon now..."_

.

-End of Chapter 6 .

.

**-Omake Omake Omake-**

**-This Explains So Much Omake**

Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.

"So you're telling me I was fathered by a magical talking Viagra?"

**-Lord Raa Omake**

"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"

"Yes dear."

Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently pointing at his nose.

"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."

"That may be true," Mana conceded as she reholstered her sidearm. Seconds later, she was resting her head  
on Ranma's chest. "But I like the chests of my partners to be deliciously flat."

Tsuruko pondered that preference. "Is there any reason for that?"

"It brings back the happy memories the first time Ranma and I slept together."

"And what if Ranmafs cursed form was that of a Lolita?" the kendoist asked.  
"Would you complain if he shared your bed like that?"

"Any port in a storm," the mercenary shrugged. "I've had to improvise at the Mahora Academy  
with some of my less developed classmates once or twice, but they understood my needs."

**-Destroying All Faith in the Decency of Humanity Omake**

"Attend to me, Sasuke!"

The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted on the rented Panda suit.

Then in gruff voice he called, _"Growf! Growf!"_

**fap fap fap**


	8. Shit Happens Ranma Lama Ding Dong

**Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

_"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"  
-Lily Tomlin_

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
Chapter 7: Shit Happens Ranma Lama Ding-Dong  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x--**

**-Then**

"Izumi-san?"

"Here."

"Shiina-san?"

"Present!"

"Tatsumiya-san?"

The Mana chibi-plushie on the otherwise empty desk simply stared back in silence.

Negi scratched his head absently. It wasn't like her to miss class like this even  
if she had warned him earlier that a new assignment might take longer then expected.  
Even though he knew Captain Tatsumiya could certainly take care of herself he still  
worried about her. But it wasn't like he could stop her either, when she was on the clock  
she sometimes frightened him with her cold professional manner. Nevertheless, she had been  
a good ally during the Kyoto trip and she was one of his precious students too.

All he could do now was continue to be a good teacher for when she came back.

"Rainyday-san?"

When the child teacher got no response to the attendence he sighed. Why did that  
girl always insist on raising her hand instead of just speaking up? He could count  
the number of times he'd actually heard Zazie's voice on one hand with fingers to spare.

He looked up from his desk.

"Where did she go?"

The chibi-plushie Zazie did not answer him. Which all things considered, was probably for the best.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
**-Now**

"Akane, don't do it. You'll really die."

"You stay out of this!"

Ranma sighed. His wife never cleaned up the bodies after she was finished. That was his job.

He got to his feet.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"To dig your grave, of course. You want the plot at the back or by the side of the house?"

Akane's face turned an angry shade of red.

"You jerk! Stop that! It's bad luck!!"

"Luck has nothing to do with it. I'm just hoping I won't need a squeegee to mop up all of the pieces again."

Happosai pulled out a frayed bra and blew his nose into it, sobbing about the waste of such a pretty little thing.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
**-Then**

**"SAGARA!!!"**

***BLAM***

Issei Tsubaki crashed to the classroom floor, a white beanbag shot imbedded firmly  
in the near sighted martial artist's stomach.

It was a testament to the adaptability of human beings that absolutely nobody found  
this a noteworthy event anymore at Jindai High. You simply got used to it after awhile.  
Well, actually that wasn't true. One didn't get used to Sousuke Sagara. You simply pretended  
to ignore everything he did that involved firearms or high explosives or both at the same time.  
Unless he was aiming them directly at you, in which case the acceptable response was to run away  
as fast as you could while screaming your bloody head off in order to help him distinguish innocent  
civilians from legitimate targets for his rampage. And that actually worked four times out of ten.

***TWHACK***

"How many times have I told you to **STOP** shooting people at school," Kaname Chidori raged  
at the still smoking body of her bodyguard, her lethal harisen brandished like an executioner's sword.

"That hurt."

Not for the first time, Sousuke wondered why Japan's large paper fans were not banned  
by the Geneva Conventions. There was simply no defense against their terrifying power.  
If the Japanese government ever began production of Arm-Slave sized harisens, the world was doomed.

"Hey, what's that?"

Shinji Kazama pushed his glasses up with one hand as with the other he touched the small stack  
of papers on his friend's desk. Said friend became a lot less friendlier in the blink of an eye  
as he suddenly materialized over the inquisitive mecha-otaku with a deadly red gleam where his  
eyes should be.

"Depending on how much you saw, I may have to sanction you. In light of our time as fellow students  
of this institution I will endeavor to make sure that it is quick and relatively painless."

Shinji froze into a statue as he croaked, "What do you mean by relatively?"

_"Sousuke."_

A sudden chill ran down the soldier's back. The overwhelming aura of menace that he'd been projecting  
up to now seemed to have suddenly been dwarfed by the blazing sun of imminent death and destruction  
that he knew instinctively was now standing right behind him.

The young man slowly and deliberately put his hands out away from his body  
where they could be seen easily and did his best to look harmless.

He failed miserably.

"Ah, isn't that the girl they're looking for in America?!"

Kyoko Tokiwa peered down at the picture on the first page from behind Kaname's shoulder.

"Do you know something about her, Sagara?"

Sousuke's face twitched a little. So much for operational security. But still mindful of  
the fists of death waiting for him if he tried anything to resolve the situation in  
a sensible efficient manner, the soldier of a hundred battlefields decided that it  
was better to provide a little information rather then be forced by Chidori to divulge  
everything.

"She is a professional mercenary and assassin known throughout the criminal underground  
as the world's best professional sniper. In Afghanistan, she was called _**SHEVAC**_."

"Shivac? Don't you mean Shiva, after the Hindu god of destruction?"

Kaname's wrathful expression had tranformed into puzzlement.

"No, _**SHEVAC**_. It was coined by a Russian Captain who said, "Oh **SH**it it's her, **EVAC-**"...."

"And what was the rest of it?"

"I do not know. He was shot by a sniper at that point."

There was a brief silence.

Then the school PA system chimed.

_**"Student Sousuke Sagara, please report to the Student Council Room Immediately."**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
**-Now**

The spectators sat in two groups near the entrance to the dojo. Soun and Kasumi had been  
joined by Happosai, though only the former were cheering their family member on while the  
old master continued to sob that it wasn't fair that he'd never be able to get a nice warm  
freshly used pair of her undergarments ever again. But even disconsolate as he was, the wrinkled  
little pervert still managed to dodge the brick thrown at him by Akane.

On the other end Ranma sat looking glum and surrounded by females. Tsuruko and Yoruichi had claimed  
the choice spots on either side and were leaning relaxedly into him. His mother sat next to his first  
wife, incidently keeping Soifon out of stabbing range on the other side. This left the unhappy girl  
only with angry glares to use on the foul ravenous beast of perverted lust that was so horribly close  
to her beloved mistress.

And Nabiki was doing what she did best.

"What's the matter, Ranma? You're not scared of a friendly little wager, are you?"

Nabiki Tendo prided herself on her ability to read other people. She considered it  
second only to her talent for manipulating them into doing what she wanted them to do.

"She's not going to last five seconds against Mana, Nabiki."

"So put your money where your mouth is, Saotome."

Poor foolish Ranma. Her younger sister might be not up to the standards of the other fighters in Nerima,  
but the boy was underestimating the sheer pigheaded stubbornness that would make Akane keep going long enough  
to make Nabiki much happier and wealthier.

"Fine."

Nabiki smiled like a cat that had just got into the cream.

But when he named the actual amount, something like an old style record pick seemed  
to screech inside her head. She hadn't even known he could count that high!

For the first time, Nabiki's trademark smirk faltered into uncertainty.

"A-are you sure about that, Ranma?"

"What's a matter, Nabiki? Don't feel up to it? That's fine with me."

It was a bluff. It had to be a bluff. He was just trying to avoid looking like a coward again.

"You're not weaseling out of this one, Saotome. You're on."

He shrugged.

"Fine, it's your funeral. And hers too, of course."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
**-Then**

The young man snapped to military perfect attention.

"Student Sousuke Sagara reporting, Council President Hayashimizu."

Behind him, Kaname sighed and rested a hand over her eyes for a moment.

At least he'd managed to stop saluting all of the time. That was progress, wasn't it?

"At ease."

Atsunobu Hayashimizu nodded as the ever present tenseness in the young man's stance eased ever  
so slightly into Sagara's version of relaxed alertness. The silver haired student council member  
smiled warmly at who he considered to be the most interesting person at Jindai High.  
It was so nice to be able to observe such a creative problem-solver in action.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Ren Mikihara stood as always by the student president's side, her calm face smiling pleasantly at both Sousuke and Kaname.

"No, Ma'am. Thank you, Ma'am."

A trick of the light seemed to turn Atsunobu's glasses into one way mirrors that hid the handsome boy's eyes  
in a most ominious fashion. His experience with the military mindset of Sousuke Sagara had led him to a most  
fascinating discovery. When the action prone transfer student began addressing his friends as superior officers,  
it meant the young man was under a considerable amount of stress and more often then not also hiding something.

"Do you know why you were summoned here, Sousuke?"

"No, President Hayashimizu."

Truly a model soldier. Right down to simple answers that told absolutely nothing to those in charge.

Ren picked up a remote and turned on the TV mounted on the upper wall corner of the Council Room.

Chidori looked up as the screen flashed on and resolved itself into a coherent picture.

It was an image of what might have once been a school. Currently it was on fire.  
The words _**"Furinkan High School"**_ flashed along the bottom of the picture in big glowing white letters.

"Would you care to tell us if you know anything about this, Sagara?"

Kaname looked at the burning school. Then she looked at Sousuke. Then the school. Then back at Sousuke.

The blue haired girl's eyes began to develop a dangerous twitch.

"No, President Hayashimizu."

Ever so slowly, a large white harisen began to edge out from behind Kaname's skirt.

"Ah. I see. You have not by any chance gone down to the Furinkan district recently, have you?"

Sousuke suddenly found the far wall right over Hayashimizu's head quite interesting. He stared at it with complete concentration.

"I couldn't say, President Hayashimizu."

"No, I suppose you couldn't."

Ever so quietly, the arm began to pull back.

"Of course, it is true that there was an interschool Kendo tournament scheduled for tomorrow."

Sagara said nothing. There wasn't even the slightest tic of movement from the x-shaped scar on his face.

"And naturally Furinkan was the heavy favorite for taking the championship.  
Their club is said to be rather erratic in behavior, but highly skilled."

Still the young soldier remained silent.

"The leader of their Kendo club is also said to be something of a skirt-chaser  
and word has it he doesn't accept "No" as a valid answer."

This time the council president caught it, just the faintest muscle jerk near the eye.

"And of course rumor has it that he was a thing for girls with a bit of _'spirit'_ to them,  
but I'm sure you're more familiar with this then I am, Sagara."

"I really couldn't say, President Hayashimizu."

"Of course not. Still it does seem rather odd. I personally would have thought you knew better, Sousuke."

"Indeed, President Hayashimizu. I wouldn't have left any buildings standing."

The silver haired council member perked up a bit at that.

"That is true. We would expect nothing less then complete destruction  
of enemy resources from someone with your capabilities."

Chidori froze, suddenly torn between two targets.

"Yes, President Hayashimizu. Shall I take this strategic opportunity to finish them off while they are weak and vulnerable?"

But in the end it was no contest at all, really.

**"SOUSUKE, YOU IDIOT!!!"**

***THWACK*THWACK*THWACK***

-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
**-Now**

In her combat gi, Akane looked across the dojo at her opponent and saw everything she despised  
in the other girls who constantly orbited her playboy fiance. Beautiful, big boobs and the kind  
of feminine sway to her movements that always made Akane herself feel like a lumpy stick in comparison.

But at least Akane was pure Japanese, which she knew made her better then any half-blood mongrel.  
The youngest Tendo had never been outside of Japan and had no real interest in changing that situation.  
She might appreciate imported luxuries, but other places were not Japan. For that matter, the areas  
down south where they talked funny and looked slightly different were also not really part of Japan either  
no matter what the school books might say.

Foreigners only brought problems. They did not fit in. Their breasts were too big.

They made Akane feel insecure.

And the only way she knew how to deal with that feeling was to make someone else feel even worse.

"Well? Are you ready yet? I don't have all day, you know!"

Ranma groaned softly. He was definitely going to need a mop. And a bucket.

Without a word, Mana slipped her dual strapped thigh holsters off and tossed them casually to her husband.  
He caught the still warm black leather and nylon in one hand and looked briefly at the evil gleaming metal  
of the strapped pistols before turning away with a small shudder.

Akane smiled at the sight of her opponent being forced to disarm.

More firearms started clattering to the floor. A matching set of SIG-Sauer P228s, Walter PPKs,  
an FN P90 "Bullpup" and at least seven different types of hold out derringers were now on the ground.

Blue lines started to form over the youngest Tendo's head as her expression  
looked less like a smile and more like a grimace.

A Heckler & Koch PSG1 rifle joined the growing stack. It was followed by a PGM Hecate II heavy sniper rifle,  
several Claymore mines, a pump-action combat shotgun, a MG42 machinegun and an M-16 with an M203 grenade launcher attached.

At this point Akane's face had turned completely blue and her mouth was making motions like a fish out of water.

A LAW tube clanked as it rolled slightly on the wooden floor. The two RPG-7s  
and what looked like a Stinger Missile with the launcher seemed almost redundant by now.

The elephant gun though, was the final straw.

**"WHERE WERE YOU HIDING ALL OF THAT?!!"**

Mana only smiled at her.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Genma had a bad feeling about this.

He had been elected the referee for this match on the basis of that age old precedent known as  
_'Do it or we'll kick your ass'_. The older martial artist reflected that it might not be such a good idea  
to be anywhere near his son's third wife in a combat situation while in a body that could bleed so much.

Unfortunately for him, Yoruichi had already taken back the panda doll.

He held his open hand up in the air to start the match.

Silence descended on the Dojo as the spectators focused on the two combatants.

Akane went into a basic kenpo stance, one foot forward with her arms up in position to punch or block.  
Her body was turned slightly to the side in order to offer less of her body's profile as a target.

It was the textbook approach when you didn't know what style your opponent used. Ranma had to give Akane  
credit for at least that much. She was taking Mana more seriously then he had on their first meeting.  
It was just that he also knew in this case that her efforts were completely useless.

Mana just stood there with her legs slightly apart, arms hanging down at her size easily as she faced her opponent  
squarely. It was a dual gunner's stance intended to allow both hands to shoot with the widest range of fire.  
The light camouflage burka was thrown back like a long cloak over her skintight black combat outfit.

Ranma watched her closed hands closely. If he blinked he would miss it.

A bead of sweat formed on Akane's brow as she contemplated her first move. A kick first, then a punch  
just to test the other girl's defenses. That seemed like the best option, no sense in taking chances  
before starting the real pounding. If the half-breed proved to be faster then she expected then she would  
simply have to wear the other girl down through sheer exhaustion.

"Sta-

A thin whistling sound cut through the air like a bullet.

-rt!"

Akane had just started to wonder what that noise was when something hard  
smashed into her forehead and everything went blank.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

***POW***

Nabiki gaped as her younger sister went flying backwards right as Genma's hand came down to start the match.

_'What the hell?!'_

Akane's body hit the floor with an audible **'Thud'**. She did not get back up. She didn't move at all.

"And that's that."

Nabiki swiveled her head to stare at Ranma's completely unsurprised expression.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that Mana is a master of Rakansen?"

Something small, round and metallic rolled around on the floor in front of Akane's fallen form.

Ranma raised an eyebrow.

"Only 5 yen?"

"She wasn't worth any more."

***THUMP***

For the first time in her life, Nabiki Tendo fainted.

"And now for my reward," purred Mana.

Ranma almost envied Nabiki at that moment.

But the Huntress had him locked up in her unescapable sight. Like a baby rabbit hyponotized by a hungry rattlesnake,  
he just couldn't turn away from his approaching doom. As if in a trance he got to his feet, his eyes never leaving  
hers as she approached with a confident stride.

She licked her lips. There was something very mesmerizing about the way she did it.

Ranma still couldn't believe that the little grubby loli assassin of his nightmares had turned out the way she had.

His heart seemed to be beating the Imperial March as she stepped forward and leaned towards him.

Then she hesitated, her beautiful face only inches away from his own.

Ranma wondered why. Then he looked into her eyes and realization dawned on him.

She was uncertain about what to do next. While her whole body projected nothing but absolute confidence,  
the truth was there in the depths of those gold mirrors to her soul. Something tight in Ranma's chest that he  
hadn't even known was there eased as he realized that his third wife still didn't know how to kiss properly.

Her first kiss at their wedding had been an unmitigated disaster of course. They'd bumped noses hard enough  
to make his eyes water because she hadn't tilted her head, then as she scrambled up while trying to hold a pistol  
to keep him still they'd bumped chins and to put the crowning touch to the whole embarrassing spectacle when  
their mouths had finally met she'd lost her balance and wound up biting his lip so hard that she'd drawn blood.

The mujahideen in attendence had thought it was absolutely hilarious.

But that was then and this was now. So he might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb.

Mana froze and her eyes widened slightly in surprise as Ranma moved forward and tilted his head.

And then he kissed her.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Kasumi stared, her mouth slightly open.

Ranma could not be kissing a strange girl of his own volition.  
It just wasn't possible. It was against the laws of nature.  
And there most definitely shouldn't be any tongues involved!

It was outrageous! Didn't the two of them have any shame whatsoever?!  
Just how long were they going to go on like that anyway? Didn't either  
one of them need to breathe? Oh, she had not just grabbed onto  
Ranma's butt...she did! That-that disreputable not-nice person!

Akane was right after all. That boy really was a pervert.

There was only one solution for that.

She just had to figure out where Mother had stored that bullwhip.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Slowly, almost reluctantly, their lips parted.

When the two of them finally released each other, both Ranma and Mana were breathing rather unsteadily  
and their hearts seemed to be pounding almost audibly. It was definitely a major improvement over their  
first kiss together.

_"Uh..."_

Mana nodded.

"For me as well."

Ranma blushed.

_"Oh."_

Tsuruko clapped her hands politely together to break the awkward silence.

"We really should go now if we're going to get ready in time for dinner."

She got to her feet and bowed politely to the still wailing Soun and the distracted looking Kasumi.

"Thank you for your hospitality."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma stared at the pavement as he and Genma walked together down the street.

His wives had made off with his mother in their midst, though not before she had cornered Ranma  
long enough to clasp her hands on his shoulders with a grip like iron and told him,  
"Remember, _**DON'T FORGET THE CONDOMS!!**_"

As if he didn't have enough to worry about already.

"The Heart of Jade. All I asked for was a nice place to take them out to eat.  
And you had to pick the goddamn Heart of Jade. What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"_**ALL**_ of your ideas seem like a good one at the time! That doesn't mean they are.  
Shit, you know that their policy is if you have to ask about the price then you obviously  
can't afford to eat there."

"Not to worry, I have a very cunning plan to deal with it."

"Does it involve turnips?"

"Um....maybe."

Ranma stopped and locked his stare onto his father's face.

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"It's a very fine turnip-"

"No. I like my balls perfectly fine right where they are now."

"Then what do we do?"

"First, we find a place to rent some tuxedos. You did remember to clean out Nabiki's stash, right?"

"Of course I did! What do you take me for, an idiot?"

"You really want me to answer that, Pops?"

Genma scowled at his son but decided that avoiding certain death from the women  
had higher priority then teaching his son a lesson in manners.

"Then what?"

"Flowers, can't go wrong with flowers. You'd better get a bunch for Mom too."

"And then?"

"We take them out to dinner. We'll put it on Nabiki's tab or something."

"And after that?"

"I'm still working on it."

"Oh good. At least after all that's happened nothing else can go wrong."

Ranma stopped dead in his tracks and slapped a hand over his face.

_**"Why did you have to fucking say that?!"**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The manager of the Heart of Jade looked over the assembled employees with a critical eye.

Tonight was a very important night.

The American President and his Secretary of State were going to dine here tonight.

Nothing could be allowed to go wrong, everything had to be perfect.

They could not afford to lose any face here with the media right outside.

"Got that? There will be absolutely nothing less then our finest performance!"

"Yes, Manager!!"

The assembled ranks barked off with the familiarity of long practice.

The man looked a little doubtfully at the two new girls. Although their work so far  
had been nothing short of excellent, they were still Chinese. That by definition  
made them inferior to honest Japanese workers. Still, he was shorthanded of skilled  
and more importantly, experienced staff in the kind of live food preparation that  
the Heart of Jade was justly famous for.

"You two!"

The pair of them turned silently to face him more directly.

"If even one thing goes wrong at the main dinner tonight, you'll both be fired. Understood?"

_"We understand,"_ said Xia Yu Fan in a quiet emotionless voice.

**-End of Chapter 7**

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

**-OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE-**

**-We'd Never Dream of It Omake**

"The Heart of Jade. All I asked for was a nice place to take them out to eat.  
And you had to pick the goddamn Heart of Jade. What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"_**ALL**_ of your ideas seem like a good one at the time! That doesn't mean they are.  
Shit, you know that their policy is if you have to ask about the price then you obviously  
can't afford to eat there. We'd have to do something crazy like sell the Tendos as  
dancing girls to the Triads in order to pay for dinner."

There was a significant pause.

"Which of course would be absolutely wrong and we would never ever think of doing so."

"Right, right. Besides, Soun is a terrible dancer anyway."

**-Omake by Nanya**

"_**ALL**_ of your ideas seem like a good one at the time! That doesn't mean they are.  
Shit, you know that their policy is if you have to ask about the price then you  
obviously can't afford to eat there."

"Not to worry, I have a very cunning plan to deal with it."

"Does it involve turnips?"

"Um....maybe."

Ranma stopped and locked his stare onto his father's face.

"Do you remember what happened **LAST** time you used turnips?!"

"How was I supposed to know that would happen?"

"What are you two talking about?" Nodoka asked, blinking.

The two shuddered and turned to her, completely pale. "You don't want to know."

"But..."

"No! Just trust us..." Genma said, fighting off a shiver.

He wouldn't normally act like this, but remembering that dammed dodo that shot eggs  
and those short weird things with masks that shot bullets from their mouths left him  
with a bad taste in his mouth.

Not to mention his ass. Those eggs **HURT** going in there!

**-Omake by Croaker**

Mana just stood there with her legs slightly apart, arms hanging down at her size easily as she faced her opponent  
squarely. It was a dual gunner's stance intended to allow both hands to shoot with the widest range of fire.  
The light camouflage burka was thrown back like a long cloak over her skintight black combat outfit.

Ranma averted his eyes, trying to hide from the inevitable.

A bead of sweat formed on Akane's brow as she contemplated her first move. A kick first, then a punch  
just to test the other girl's defenses. That seemed like the best option, no sense in taking chances  
before starting the real pounding. If the half-breed proved to be faster then she expected then she would  
simply have to wear the other girl down through sheer exhaustion.

"Sta-

There was a crack like thunder, a deep meat-pounding thud, and the shattering of wood.

-rt!"

The dojo sat frozen in time, utterly silent except for the distant scream of someone making their way across Nerima by air.

Ranma looked back up.

Mana stood perfectly still, left foot flat, right balancing on the tip of her toes. Her right hand pointed out the  
new hole in the roof of the dojo, her left extended behind her at the final stretch of her swing. And there,  
in her hand--

"Saotome," Nabiki said with shellshocked calm. "Did your... wife just bat my sister through the roof with a fifteen inch black rubber cock?"

**-Omake by Threadweaver**

Nabiki was nervously waiting in the lobby of Tofu's clinic for the word on her sister.  
The five yen piece had lodged sideways in her head like a spear point and had made a frightful mess.

Tofu walked calmly into the lobby and smiled at her.

A good sign, she surmised astutely.

"She'll be fine. It was like most facial wounds-- it looked a lot worse than it was. She'll only have a small scar from it."

"Oh, thank the gods!"

"Who did you say did this to her? I must say I'm perplexed. I don't know of many martial artists that do Rakansen."

"Some woman after Ranma named Mana Tatsumiya."

Tofu's jaw became slack and his glasses gleamed dangerously. "I see."

"Do you know her?"

Tofu failed to stifle a large shudder. "Only by her reputation and what's  
left over after she's been around. I'm surprised she went so easy on poor Akane."

Nabiki was having that feeling of dread creep in again. It had been seeping in since this whole thing started.

Tofu noticed her pallor and decided to cheer her up. "Akane will be fine though,  
as long as she doesn't pick any more fights with Mana. Go ahead and go home,  
she'll be ready to go home in the morning."

"Ahhh... Okay." She started to slowly walk towards the door but was stopped by Tofu's arm.

"Oh, by the way, this is for you," he said as he dropped some metal pieces in her hand.

"Four Yen coins? Why...?" she asked, perplexed.

"It's Mana's change. I couldn't get the whole thing out. She'll probably ask for it."

**-Omake by Lord Raa**

Mana froze and her eyes widened slightly in surprise as Ranma moved forward and tilted his head.

And then he kissed her.

Tsuruko leaned forward, intent on observing Ranma's technique. "He's not bad."

Yoruichi also appraised the public display of affection. "True, it's one of the things I like about Ranma - if you  
challenge his manliness, he'll bust a gut to prove you wrong. But she's far too passive - I mean, how do you expect  
to keep someone as desirable as Ranma with such timid kisses?"

"You obviously can't see the way her hand is groping his ass," Tsuruko said. After a moment,  
she suddenly felt pangs of jealousy. "Wait, why are we critiquing the way Ranma is kissing another girl?!"

"I don't know about you," Yoruichi said, turning to give the kendoist a saucy wink, "but I like to watch."

"..." the woman in the gi and hakama considered her rival/co-wife's words. "Now that you mention it,  
there is something arousing about watching Ranma while he fools around with a girl."


	9. Great Big Hairy Balls of Fire

**Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.

_ "Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it."  
-Mark Twain_

** -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
Chapter 8: Great Big Hairy Balls of Fire  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

"Ranma Saotome!!"

The pigtailed boy warily eyed the white robed young man who had shouted his name.

"What do you want, Mousse?"

While Mousse was generally an alright guy to be around as long as Shampoo wasn't involved,  
Saotome wasn't sure why the Chinese boy had come looking for him. All Ranma knew was that  
if the long haired young man damaged the rented tuxedo he was currently wearing, he would  
have to do unspeakably horrible things to him.

"I heard it all from Shampoo, Saotome."

Oh hell. Not now, the last thing he wanted to do was fight right before an engagement with  
his spouses. Because then he might be late and then the fat would really be in the fryer.

As the white robed martial artist rushed at him, Ranma found that the stiffness  
of the expensive cloth was hampering his own attempts to dodge or counter.

_ 'Shit!'_

** "Congratulations!!"**

Ranma's jaw dropped as Mousse hugged him tightly and began slapping him on the back with an open palm.

"Wha-?"

"May your marriages be long and fruitful!"

An arrow of horror stabbed Ranma in the back.

"Together with those you love for the rest of your life!"

Another arrow lodged in the twitching boy's back.

"For every moment of every day, never apart even in Death!"

The heat seeking missile obliterated his body into dust.

Mousse blinked and pushed his glasses down over his eyes.

_ 'Amazing. He's so happy, he's speechless.'_

For what it was worth, Mousse's bad eyesight wasn't entirely to blame for this misconception.

The corners of the pigtailed boy's mouth were curled upwards after all.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

He was in **DESPAIR!**

Not your normal _'oh my life sucks'_ despair, but _'The world is a dark and lonely place  
conspiring to stick large pointy objects up where the sun don't shine'_** DESPAIR.**

"DAMN YOU, SAOTOME!!"

A dramatic roll of thunder sounded behind him.

Ryoga Hibiki shook an angry fist at the unsympathetic clear sky above.  
He couldn't believe, that perverted coward was cheating on his beloved  
sweet Akane with **_MORE WOMEN!!_** And they had **_BREASTS!!_** And they were beautiful!  
And they had_** BIG BREASTS!!**_ And for some bizzare reason they seemed to be  
completely infatuated with the half-man! **_NOT TO MENTION THEY HAD REALLY BIG BREASTS!!_**

"Just you wait, you Don Juan!! I will have my **REVENGE!!**"

**_ *CRACKLE* *BOOM*_**

"I will show dear Akane just how **VILE-**"**_ *BOOM*_** "-your-" **_*CRACKLE*_** "-true nature is!"

"I will smash your-" **_*CRACKLE*_** "-ed in-" **_*CRACKLE*_** "-en take-" **_*BOOM*BOOM*_** "-yself!"

**_*BOOM* *CRACKLE* *BOOM*_**

"Will you **CUT THAT OUT!!!**"

Fuura Kafuka blinked innocently at the strange boy from behind the sheet of metal  
and the large hammer that she was using to create the sound effects.

She was a girl with an eternally positive outlook.

He was the eternally lost boy of negativity.

"It is a deep friendship between men!"

**_ "WHAT?!"_**

It was a meeting that should have never occurred.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Two young men sipped their coffee as they sat outside of the cafe.

"But if she's so beautiful, how bad could it be?"

"Two words. Penis shibari."

There was a long drawn out silence.

"Oh."

"Yeah. You're starting to finally get the picture."

Mousse was beginning to regret his curiosity. He now had mental negatives in his head  
he would have gladly paid to have erased if he could. It made Shampoo look as tame  
as a fluffy bunny.

"And she won't lift a finger to help you, even if you're in a fight for your life?"

"Yep."

"What does she call that?"

"Foreplay."

Mousse stared out at the street, not blinking. After a minute, he seemed to snap out  
of whatever private horror he'd been seeing in his mind's eye and turned back to Ranma.

"Okay Saotome, I'll support you all the way under one condition."

"Shoot."

"Keep them the hell **_AWAY_** from the Amazon village!"

"No problem. I don't want them giving out pointers any more then you do."

"But that won't be enough to stop the Old Ghoul. I can slow her down a bit, but..."

"Leave that to me."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

How had she gotten here again?

It was difficult to remember, between the low buzzing and the unusual  
but not unpleasant sensations coming from below.

But she was fairly certain it had involved a cat.

Sakaki had never been able to resist cats.

Even though they bit and scratched her, she wanted nothing more then to be with the little creatures.

Of course, that particular black cat had been something special.

It had let her stroke its soft fur without chomping down on her other hand first.  
She had been so moved by the animal's kindness that she'd wanted to cry.

And then it had asked her a question.

**_ "Would you like some delicious candy?"_**

The only other cat that had ever spoken to her before had been Chiyo's father.

But for some reason it seemed to make perfect sense. Of course the first cat  
that would let her pet it could talk, just as Chiyo's dad was Santa Claus.

It was just that she couldn't recall exactly how that had led from there to here.

"Oh, you're awake!"

The pretty face of a cheerful looking girl with long orange blond hair looked down at her.

"The Mistress will be pleased that you've recovered so quickly."

Now that Sakaki could focus a little more clearly on the other girl, she noticed  
to her mild shock that she was probably even more developed then Sakaki herself was,  
which was made even more noticable by the lack of covering in the design of her clothing.

"I'm Orihime Inoue! What's your name?"

The sheer white material of the quarter cut brassiere was being put to the test  
as Inoue bent low to offer her hand to the now half-sitting girl.

"Sakaki."

She took Orihime's offered hand and shook it automatically. It seemed like the thing to do.

Then she looked down and asked the most pressing question she had at the moment.

"Why is there a pink wire running out of my panties?"

Orihime's smile grew bigger.

"Special training!"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma shivered as a cold chill ran down his spine. It felt as if someone had walked on his grave,  
turned around and then started to line dance on it with steel toed boots. He was not a religious person.  
But he was praying that nothing went wrong at this dinner, perhaps the most important one of his life.

The young man nervously checked himself again in front of the Heart of Jade for the seventh time.  
The suit was clean and neat,he had the carefully selected flowers for each wife in one arm, his wallet  
actually had cash in it and he was fairly certain he remembered enough table manners to not give them  
any excuse to punish him.

And then afterwards...

The martial artist's face suddenly went as white as a ghost.

He'd forgotten to get the Fucking Condoms!!

Ranma grabbed Genma by the arm.

"Pops! Do you have any-"

"Excuse me...gentlemen. You appear to be lost," said a tall heavily built man in a dark suit that bore  
the golden logo of the Heart of Jade on the breast pocket. While his words were polite, the tone behind  
them was similiar to the one used by most people when finding fresh doggy surprises on their footwear.

Both Saotomes turned and professionally eyed the dark haired upper class equivalent of a nightclub bouncer.  
They coldly sized him up in seconds as a martial arts wannabe, all power, no finesse. A single shared  
glance between father and son was all it took to communicate their unspoken agreement that in any  
other circumstances would have resulted in a brief moment of family bonding as they kicked the shit  
out of the asshole disrepecting them. But seeing as they wanted to eat here without the usual troubles  
and excitement that normally accompanied their dining out, they decided to try simple negotiations instead.

"We've got reservations."

The man smiled without any warmth as he eyed their clothes in such a way as to give the impression  
that he had priced them down to the last thread and found them well below the usual net worth allowed  
inside of the fine dining establishment.

"I'm sure there are several restaurants further down the street where you would  
be much more comfortable in an atmosphere better suited to your tastes."

Ranma pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt the beginnings of headache start to form.  
Without a word he handed the flowers he had been holding to his father who took them with  
a small nod of understanding and stepped back to watch.

"Look, all we want is to enjoy a nice peaceful family dinner here."

"I assure you that our establishment caters only to the highest class of diner-"

The man's words died away as Ranma pulled out a thick roll of yen notes.

The young martial artist counted out a few bills and then put the rest of it back in his pants.

Then he suddenly grabbed the taller man by the front of his chest with his free hand  
and slammed him hard enough against the side of the building to knock the breath out  
of the startled bouncer.

"I've been having a **VERY** bad day. It probably isn't going to get any better later on.  
So here's the deal. Shut up, take the money and leave us alone."

"Are you threatening me," croaked the man as he clawed futilely at the arm that held him,  
but he might as well have been trying to move a mountain.

The pigtailed young man sighed.

"No, I'm telling you. Now if you give us any more trouble I will stick these bills so far  
up your ass that they'll be able to say hello to your breakfast and then shove your head  
in after to go fish them out. **_That's_** a threat. See the difference?"

There was something horrifyingly mesmerizing about the quiet polite smile on that face.

The bouncer shut up and took the money.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Akane Tendo awoke to the sensation of her head having cracked open and spilled all of the contents out.  
Or at least that was what this horrible numb feeling from her forehead to the base of her neck felt like.

For a few blissful moments she didn't know where she was or what had happened.

Then treacherous memories began to seep into black fog that currently passed for self awareness.

The Match!

Akane tried to jerk herself into a sitting position. And immediately regretted it.

_ "Uuggh! Hlorp!"_

Nausea hit her like a ten ton anvil dropped on her stomach. She had to fight the bitter taste of bile  
in her throat that threatened to empty everything she'd ever eaten in the last week on top of herself.

"Finally awake huh, sis?"

_ "N-nabiki?"_

"Were you expecting someone else?"

There was a hint of a chill in the middle Tendo's voice.

_ "I have to get back to the Match! It's not over yet!"_

Akane tried once again to get to her feet.

_ "Glorp! Huerrgh!"_

Predictably this achieved nothing more then to make her head spin  
as her gut spasmed like an out of control washing machine.

"The match ended hours ago, Akane. You lost. Badly."

The words dropped off Nabiki's lips like an executioner's axe on the downstroke.

**_ "No!"_**

It was impossible, inconceivable! She was Akane Tendo, she couldn't lose to a stupid foreigner!

_ "She cheated!! That bimbo cheated!!"_

Nabiki resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If only she didn't need her younger sister  
to exact her own revenge on Ranma and his harlots, she would have happily taken her  
own pound of flesh from Akane for losing so pitifully to that gaijin bitch.

That bastard Saotome wouldn't get away with this. She was going to get her money back  
from him with interest and then she was going to make the "pigtailed girl" give the boys  
at school lapdances at twenty thousand yen a pop!

Nabiki Tendo wasn't mad. She was fucking furious.

"Don't worry, Akane. We'll get ours back soon enough. After all, we know where they're going to dinner."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

In retrospect, he really should have seen it coming.

But in Ranma Saotome's defense, even if he'd known ahead of time it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

They'd somehow acquired the services of a stretch-limo. The kind that movie stars stepped out of.  
And when the women had stepped out of it, every male gaze within eyesight focused on them like  
iron filings towards an electromagnet.

Words could have been used to describe them. Stunning, amazing, heartstoppingly sexy and dressed to kill.  
But these were inadequate descriptors that could not do full justice to the actual presence of them all.  
Even Soi-fon, if ever there was a homicidal tomboy, looked stunning without having actually knocked out  
everyone present first. It took him a full minute to realize that the other foxy lady with them was his mother.  
She didn't look like a mother now. She looked, she looked like...well she shouldn't make him feel anything like  
*that* towards her!!

"I think tonight we're going to make you a sibling, my boy."

That finally snapped the pigtailed martial artist out of the dreamy spell he'd been in.

"Too much information!"

The Quintet ignored the papparazzi snapping pictures and the various men who tried to intercept them with offers  
of jewels, trips to France and proposals of marriage. They homed in straight towards Ranma and Genma instead and  
every other man on the street turned into red hot daggers of hate that glared at the two males who obviously  
did not deserve to spend even a moment in the company of such goddesses made flesh.

The young man swallowed nervously as he offered the flower bouquets to each of them in turn.

Yoruichi's strapless bare back dress shimmered like a thousand gems of crimson flame as she took the colorful array  
of sweet smelling orchids. The young woman closed her eyes and sniffed gently, smiling as she took in the subtle  
arrangement of the tropical perfume. Her long hair had been coiffed up into a more elegant arrangement of her normal  
ponytail. It seemed to have been designed specifically to be completely ruined during a heated bout of passion.  
Her face bore only the faintest traces of makeup around the eyes and a thin line of dark rose on her lips.  
She hadn't bothered with stockings or pantyhose, instead letting the natural perfection of her long dark legs  
reveal themselves past the short hem of her dress.

Tsuruko's cream cheongsam was cut high at the thigh, accenting a figure that already threatened to cause terminal  
bleeding from the nasal veins of many of the onlookers, male and female alike. The silky fabric revealed nothing  
and teased hints of everything. If Yoruichi was an elaborate jewel then she was simplicity itself. Her rich black hair  
had been left in her normal natural state that was in itself as captivating as any arranged style. Even the fine white  
lace stockings she wore were deceptively simple, somehow projecting both innocence and experience at the same time.  
Her quiet words of thanks made Ranma shiver as he smelled the rich intoxicating female scent that sent the mind wandering  
in the direction of soft beds and warm embraces.

And then there was Mana. He had gotten a brief taste of what the years had done for the once scrawny little girl  
at school and the dojo. It still hadn't prepared him for the full impact to the senses that was a Tatsumiya  
dressed to impress. It might be cliche, but her one shoulder black satin dress did indeed fit her like a sheath.  
The neckline had been cut so low that Ranma felt an almost irrational urge to shield her from the greedy eyes  
of the people on the street. Her gold eyes seemed to almost be daring him to say something about her choice of attire.  
It even showed in the way she moved, as if those high heels she wore were weapons of war. Of course since this was Mana,  
they probably were.

Soi-fon was almost an afterthought, her deep sea blue silk dress simply eclipsed by the other women.  
To Ranma's amazement someone who had probably been Yoruichi had gone all out on the fidgeting girl.  
Her short hair had been styled and her braids coiled chinese style into two seperate buns on her head.  
While the makeup had taken what was already there and enhanced the best points of her fine features.  
She even had a pair of pearl earrings on, which would make this the first time Saotome had ever seen the tomboy  
wear any kind of jewelry. Soi-fon wouldn't meet his eyes directly and to his almost horrified amazement there  
was a pink flush in her cheeks that had nothing to do with his battle with her earlier that day.

The pigtailed martial artist tried to think of something to say. His mouth opened and shut several times but nothing came out.

Finally he settled on, "Uh...You all look great. Even you, Soi-fon."

When this did not get the angry rise out of her that he'd been expecting Ranma  
began to worry that he was losing his touch. The normally aggressive Shinigami  
was avoiding direct eye contact with him and looked for all the world like  
a nervous girl on her first date.

"Th-thank you."

The pigtailed martial artist recoiled as if he'd been struck, his hands coming up involuntarily  
in gestures to ward off whatever evil was making Soi-fon behave in such an abnormal manner.

"Isn't that nice," Yoruichi said as she casually caressed the smaller girl's derriere.

Soi-fon let out a soft squeak and seemed to freeze in place.

Ranma didn't catch the rest of what his first wife whispered in her admirer's ear and frankly he was glad of that.

Although he did wonder just where that faint high-pitched buzzing sound was coming from.

"Well then, shall we go inside?"

Tsuruko acquired his right arm while Mana took possession of his left. He inhaled sharply as the sweet sensation  
of the two of them pressing against him from both sides made him stiffen in more ways then one.

Genma seemed equally affected by Nodoka clutching his arm as she smiled and led him into the building.

Whatever misgivings Ranma might have had about getting their reservations honored disappeared within seconds  
of entering. It was completely unfair, after all the trouble that the two men had gone through the women  
simply walked in and the staff was bending over backwards to be as gracious as possible. Even the uniformed security  
that seemed to be crawling all over the place had their best manners towards his wives, Ranma noted a touch sourly.

He wanted a drink. Then he wanted to hit someone, preferably one of the guys leering at his significant others.

But with three watchful pairs of eyes on him, he had to settle for a club soda.

This was going to be the longest dinner of his life. And not in a good way.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Upstairs, a party for two was taking place.

"Respect ma nucular authorata!"

The man was big, loud and well on his way to a level of intoxication respectable even by Japan's standards.

"Oh Mr. President, you're so clever! _Giggle Giggle._"

This particular Secretary of State had not been appointed to that position for her intelligence.

"That's a right! You're my wife and daddy's coming home for Christmas!"

She actually wasn't married. He was, but this was merely a minor point to be ignored.

"Send in the Geishas!"

A pretty young woman dressed in a blazing red cheongsam started to wheel the next course in.

"Ooooeee! That's a looker!"

Xia Yu Lan's expression didn't change in the slightest at the spectacle in front of her.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Nabiki leaned heavily against a brick wall as she gasped for breath. In hindsight, she really should have  
shelled money out for a taxi instead of legging it the whole way with Akane. Once the younger Tendo daughter  
had a full head of steam she just kept on going, but the middle daughter had never been one for endurance  
when it came to physical extertion.

"Just let me catch my breath, sis," she gasped hoarsely.

"Well fancy meeting you two here, Ms. Tendo."

Nabiki cursed inside her head before pasting a smile on her face and looking down  
towards the little old woman perched on a gnarled walking staff.

"It's nice to see you here too, Cologne. And is that Shampoo over there?"

She pretended not to see the rather rude gesture that the Amazon girl made in her direction.  
Always pick your time and place and this was neither of them.

"What do you two think you're up to," Akane spat out.

Not for the first time, Nabiki wished that her little sister had a trigger-lock for that mouth of hers.  
Without Ranma to back her up, Akane (and by extension Nabiki herself) would be in deep shit if the barbarians  
decided to actually be barbaric.

"The same thing that the pair of you seem be intent on, if I'm not mistaken, Akane Tendo."

"Violent Girl trying to get Ranma away from Crazy Crazy Women."

"This has nothing to do with that jerk!"

"Ah?"

"That Mana girl kicked her ass. She's looking for payback."

"For the last time, I didn't lose to her!!"

The ancient amazon nodded sagely.

"Of course. But since we seem to have similar goals at the moment, shall we cooperate for now?"

Both Akane and Shampoo made unhappy faces at that.

But better the devil you know-

** *shunk* *shunk* *shunk* *shunk***

Four slender throwing knives with red ribbon tassels attached to their handles  
buried themselves in the street between the two parties.

"I'm afraid I can't allow that."

Shampoo scowled angrily at the figure standing dramatically on the roof  
directly between them and the direction they needed to go.

"Stupid Mousse! You no interfere with Amazon Business!!"

She took an angry step forward.

** *THUD***

The purple haired amazon stared in disbelief at the heavy spiked iron ball  
that had hit the ground right in front of her outstretched foot.

"I'm sorry my love, but this is for your own good."

Warning bells started to sound in Nabiki's head. She had never seen that particular expression  
on the Chinese boy's face before and she sincerely hoped it would never be directed her way  
ever again in the future.

**_ "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!"_**

** -End of Chapter 8**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

-Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other Omake

She was a girl with an eternally positive outlook.

He was the eternally lost boy of negativity.

"It is a deep friendship between men!"

** "WHAT?!"**

It was a meeting that should have never occurred.

And had Ryoga noticed the quiet smiling girl in matching bandana and rough yellow clothes  
following right behind him with a loving gaze locked onto his back perhaps his immediate future  
would not have been quite as horribly bad as it was about to get.

** -Beware of the Herring Axe Omake**

"I'm sorry my love, but this is for your own good."

Warning bells started to sound in Nabiki's head. She had never seen that particular expression  
on the Chinese boy's face before and she sincerely hoped it would never be directed her way  
ever again in the future.

_ ** "Behold the ancient technique passed down through the Men of the Amazon Village  
for a thousand years that even the English Saxons could not withstand!!"**_

"oh no, not that. Anything better then that!"

** "NI!"**

Shampoo paled.

**_ "NININININININININI!!"_**

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!"


	10. When You See It, You'll Shit Bricks

**Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.

_ "Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness."  
-Terry Pratchett_

** -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
Chapter 9: When You See It, You'll Shit Bricks  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

"You don't need to look so nervous, Sagara-san."

Mikihara's gentle rebuke failed to lighten the expression on their escort's face.

"I just feel underdressed, Ma'am."

"For the last time, Sousuke, Assault rifles are ***NOT*** part of formal dress attire!"

Kanami looked stunning in her evening dress. She would have been even more beautiful had she  
not been giving the young man escorting her and her friends to dinner a baleful eye.

"Now now, Chidori. You just can't hit him with everyone watching."

Tokiwa made calming gestures to her friend, though she was inwardly amused at how Chidori  
and Ren had both snagged the prime positions at either of Sagara's arms. And not, she mused tartly,  
just to keep his hands away from whatever surprises he'd managed to smuggle in his rented suit.  
The freckled girl had to admit that he did look surprisingly good in nice clothes and wouldn't  
have minded having his personal escort herself given the chance.

But a single glance at the two beauties flanking him on either side was enough to tell Kyoko  
that she'd have to literally fight for an opening if she really wanted it. For now it was better  
to just tease her best friends a little.

"So what's the occasion? Anniversary?"

Chidori reddened.

"Actually, as a matter of fact, yes."

Both girls boggled at Ren.

"She is correct. Today it has been exactly one year since I have been assigned to this district."

Tokiwa kept her jaw from dropping through sheer willpower.

Kaname was in a similiar state of shock. Weren't guys supposed to be the ones who forgot these kinds of things?!

"Since it's such a special occasion I thought we should celebrate someplace special."

Kyoko and Chidori both looked around the entrance hall. Calling the Heart of Jade someplace special  
to celebrate was a bit of an understatement. Neither girl had ever set foot in this place before  
but it was quite obvious that serious money had been spent on just the furnishings alone.

Gods only knew what the inside would look like.

_"Madame, your party's table is ready."_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

They were currently on the fish course. Grilled trout with a light flavorful sauce which complimented the tender white flesh perfectly.

Ranma Saotome hardly noticed.

"..And then he came running out completely naked with Setsuna right on his heels swinging her sword after him!"

He just wanted to find a small corner to curl up in and die.

"....have seen him dangling from the rope trap in that frilly little dress."

It was a man's worst nightmare come true.

"Oh that's nothing, you should have seen the fuss he put up when...."

Family Bonding.

"Doesn't he look so cute! And this photo is after his first potty! He looks so proud!"

When his mother had pulled out the family album he'd finally covered his face with his hands and hung his head in complete defeat.  
Bad enough his wives were telling his mother all of those embarrassing stories of things he'd wanted to remain forever hidden  
from her or any other living soul.

But pulling out the baby pictures was just plain fighting dirty!

This must be what castration feels like, Ranma decided.

He lifted his head and got up from his seat.

"Where are you going?"

"Need to wash up a little bit."

"Don't take too long, they'll be serving the next course soon."

"Yes dear."

The young man trudged out of the dining room like a prisoner on the final walk to their execution.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"There we go, some proper meat at last! None of this raw fish crap."

"Mr. President, we still need to inspect it first."

"But I'm starving! Man needs to keep up his strength, isn't that right cupcake?

_"Tee hee! Of course, Decider in Chief!"_

"Hah! Good one!"

"Sir, we have these procedures for your safety."

"Oh come on you guys, lighten up! What's a little bitty thing like this gonna do?  
Poke me with the kitchen utensils? **Gwahahahaha!!** I crack me up, I do!!"

He was still guffawing when Xia Yu Lan picked up a flaming black iron skewer  
full of sizzling beef and proceeded to ram it straight through his open eye.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma finished washing his hands and sighed as he let the hot air blower dry his hands.  
It figured that a posh place like this didn't bother with paper towels. The sinks alone  
probably cost more money then he'd ever seen in his entire life.

He couldn't avoid giving his mother a complete explanation forever, sooner or later she was going  
to hold a sword to his throat (probably literally) to get the facts out of him. That is, if his wives  
weren't already telling her themselves while he wasn't there. He was fairly certain that it hadn't  
come up during their shopping spree due to the simple fact that Nodoka wasn't currently chasing him  
with the family sword out and swinging.

The young man shivered. He'd faced some fairly skilled weapon wielders over the years and none of them  
scared him as badly as his own mother. This was due mainly to the fact that she had absolutely no idea  
how to use her blade correctly. Nothing terrifies the experienced professional so much as a total novice  
that is completely unpredictable.

He heard faint popping sounds coming from somewhere above him.

Saotome swore softly but vehemently.

Most people would have mistaken that sound for fireworks.

But Ranma knew gunshots when he heard them.

_'Oh Gods, who has Mana shot this time?!'_

He hit the bathroom door at a run.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

As soon as Ranma had gone out of sight Nodoka Saotome's motherly mask of cheerful enjoyment instantly switched to a more serious expression.

"Well ladies, I would now appreciate the full story behind your relationship with my son."

The three women exchanged meaningful looks among themselves before turning back to meet Nodoka's expectant gaze.

"What do you want to know?"

Yoruichi's face would have made any professional poker player facing her fold right then and there.

However the Saotome matron was not going to be deterred this time.

"You three have been sidestepping my questions all afternoon. I am not a mushroom. **Do not try to keep me in the dark and feed me bullshit!**"

There was a gleam of admiration in Tsuruko's eyes at her mother-in-law's single minded tenacity.

"It's rather a long story."

"I have the time to listen."

Yoruichi scratched at her chin thoughtfully with a perfectly manicured nail.

"I suppose that I should start then as this all began with a friend of mine."

She eyed the pale Genma with a neutral expression on her mesmerizing features.

"For lack of a better word, he _"designed"_ little Genma and a few others similar in nature to him."

Nodoka's eyes narrowed.

"Then that round little pill really is my husband?"

"Well, the part of him that makes him who he is at least."

"And this led to your involvement with Ranma," asked Nodoka, determined not to be sidetracked from her objective.

Whatever response the dark tanned beauty was going to make was interrupted by a series of muffled bangs coming from the floor overhead.

Mana cocked her head, her eyes suddenly alert and her entire body radiating a barely controlled tension.

"That sounds like .357 SIG rounds."

The young woman stopped as she realized that everyone else at the table was now staring at her.

Tatsumiya raised her hands defensively.

_**"I didn't do it!"**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The screams of the black woman that had been sitting in her target's lap were annoying Xia Yu Lan as she dispatched  
the second Secret Service agent with the same bloody butcher knife that she'd killed the first one with. She left  
the kitchen utensil buried deep in the side of his half severed neck as the short haired Chinese assassin plucked  
his service weapon from its holster. Lan took out the last two agents in the room with individual headshots even  
as she used the still collapsing body of her second victim as a shield against the fire of their own weapons.

A final shot ended the screaming permanently.

Loud footsteps and men yelling marked the arrival of more security making their way down the hall to the private dining room.

The young woman waited patiently, her newly acquired pistol held at ready.

She was rewarded by the sound of a submachine gun opening up to the accompaniment of screams and the sickening sound  
of living humans being reduced to dead meat. A moment later her twin sister's voice crackled through her earpiece.

_"First wave response has been eliminated. Proceed with Phase Two."_

Xia Yu Lan found some spare clips in the jacket of one of the dead men and reloaded her weapon.

_"Acknowledged."_

The short haired woman removed her earpiece and dropped it to the ground, crushing it under one heel.

Then she was out of the room like a rocket.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma's feet seemed to develop wings when he heard the unmistakable song of a Heckler & Koch MP5 on full auto.

_**"Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!!"**_

He could only imagine what had happened to set his wife off like that. Had some drunk been suicidal enough  
to try and grope her? Or one of those idiots like Kuno with more money then sense who couldn't understand  
**"no"** as an answer? Where would he find enough room to dispose of the bodies?!

He nearly rammed into a large caucasian man in a dark suit tromping down the hallway.  
The blonde's crisp clothes seemed to scream "security" as he too ran towards the sound  
of the gunfire.

**_"Outta the way,"_** screamed Ranma, raw panic in his voice as images of what  
could be happening as the distant gun fell silent circling in his head.

**"WHAT?!"**

The Secret Service man made his first mistake.

He tried to grab the pigtailed boy.

The martial artist didn't bother with any niceties, he simply slammed a hard elbow into the taller man's ribcage.

"I said **_OUT OF MY WAY!!_**"

Then the gasping agent made his second mistake.

He went for his sidearm.

He had his hand on the grip when there was a sudden intense pressure on his wrist and then  
agonizing white hot fire told the big man that his wrist had been neatly fractured.

"Why can't any of you idiots understand simple instructions," lamented Ranma as he high kicked the whitefaced agent  
in the face to put him down for the count. As he did so two more similiarly dressed men appeared from one of the side entrances  
further down the hall. They spotted him, saw the unconscious body at his feet, and then charged straight at him.

**_"GOD DAMN IT!!"_**

The young man ducked under the first man's straight punch, side stepped the second man's low kick and prepared  
to deal with these obstacles in as fast a manner as possible when a pair of shots came from the end of the hall.

Blood and brains exploded outwards from the neat holes now in the middle of both mens' foreheads.

"**_Son of a bitch! I'm never gonna get the deposit back on this tux!_** Wait a second, you're not my wife!?"

He barely made it to the dubious safety of a side corridor ahead of the answering stream of bullets.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"You don't suppose that Dumbass is involved with it, do you?"

Tsuruko, Mana and Yoruichi considered Soi Fon's question for a long moment with a thoughtful expression on their faces.

_ "...oh dear."_

"...definitely."

"...every single time."

Almost as one, they stood up from their seats.

Genma knew exactly what to do in this situation.

He held up a large hand.

"Check please!"

Unfortunately this caught the attention of the entire dining room who turned to see what all the commotion was about.

**"SHEVAC!!"**

And then everything went to hell.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Xia Yu Lan's normally emotionless expression cracked just enough for her to frown slightly.

This was an unexpected complication. She had not intended to leave behind any witnesses able to describe her  
to the local authorities. The bombs that she and her sister had set in the kitchen and storerooms below  
the restaurant's main floors would probably be sufficient to eliminate those remaining in the building.  
But against someone able to dodge like that she wanted to personally confirm the kill, especially since  
he'd gone down the same passage that was her designated escape route.

The pale skinned assassin listened for the boy's footsteps as she came around the wall in a blur of motion,  
her pistol drawn and ready. There was nobody in sight along the hall, only a double hinged door swinging back  
and forth at the far end of the corridor.

Her teeth pressed on her lower lip.

_'Annoying.'_

A sudden sensation of danger made her look up.

Steel blue eyes gleamed back at her from the direction of the ceiling.

She was already raising her weapon when a foot in a black dress shoe kicked it out of her hands.

The Chinese woman rolled backwards before the gun even hit the ground, drawing a curved kukri from an outer thigh sheath  
above her white silk garters. She sprang forward like a cat, her blade swinging in a blur for his side. He pivoted  
on his right heel and spun another kick that made red spikes of pain flare in her weapon hand as the large knife  
buried itself tip first in the wall next to him.

Undaunted, she pulled out a second kukri from the outer holster on her other leg  
and the backup blade resting on the inner thigh of her first leg.

The pigtailed stranger simply stared at her.

"You have **_*got*_** to be kidding me."

Lan said nothing, preferring to let her knives do the talking.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The problem with most knife-fighters, Ranma knew, was that they didn't know what the heck they were doing. They usually tried  
to stick it in and expected their victim to just stand there and get poked. A few of the more flashy idiots would wave them around  
and end up more often then not hurting those around them rather then who they were trying to hit. That was why despite all of Mousse's  
vast arsenal, the pigtailed martial artist had few concerns about facing his assorted hidden blades. The Chinese boy was very skilled,  
but his moves were the end result of aiming at wooden targets and sparring without anything more then the risk of token bloodshed.  
Only a few people really knew how to use a knife to its full potential against another human being.

Unfortunately, this girl seemed to be one of them.

He stepped back as she sent her left blade at him in a kind of curved spin that made point and edge waver between  
one side and another. He arched his back and neck backwards as her follow up slash with the other knife changed  
to a thrust with the flick of her wrist. Then he slid to his right, lifting his head and sucking in his stomach  
to avoid being disemboweled by her first blade.

He hated fighting professionals. They never fought with honor. They just fought to win.

Case in point, against normal blades he might have considered risking a counterattack with the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken.  
But if he tried it against those wicked things, he'd probably lose a couple of fingers. He didn't even bother trying to  
throw any verbal quips at her, that almost never worked on an experienced assassin. He was better off saving his breath  
for dodging.

He weaved in and out of strikes, giving ground one step at a time as he tried to find a way out of this mess.

Where was a little wooden table with a heavy glass lamp on it when you really needed one?

Ranma winced as his stiff tuxedo began to develop a resemblance to something that the ca-dog dragged in.

_'Definitely going to have to forget about the deposit.'_

Well, his wives were in the building. Could his battered masculinity survive the indignity of calling for help?

**"HEY YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE OR WE'LL SHOOT!!"**

Ranma said the only thing that he could in this situation.

**_"Fuck!"_**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chidori had just dipped her spoon into the soup when a commotion  
at the other end of the room made her look to see what the noise was.

The next moment she found herself being pushed down to the floor by Sousuke as he yelled, **"SHEVAC!!"**

She was still moving from the stunned and confused stage to Sagara thrashing anger as Kyoko and Rin  
were roughly shoved down next to her and the formally dressed young mercenary whipped out a sawed off shotgun  
from somewhere around the small of his back.

"Do not worry Chidori, I will protect all of you with my life."

Kaname was still staring up at him with her mouth open when Sousuke knocked the heavy table  
down in front of them as a shield and opened fire across the room.

No sooner had he gotten off the first round then Sagara was forced to duck as the return fire  
blew shards of granite off of the top of the table. Screams rang out all around them and expensive  
dishes began crashing to the floor as panicking patrons began to flee in every direction, knocking  
down whatever was between them and a way out.

Sousuke flipped his shotgun over the top of the table and fired a blind shot in the direction of his opponent.

**_"Sousuke! What are you doing?! There are innocent people all around us!!"_**

Kaname had to shout to make herself heard now over the growing din of firearms being discharged, furniture  
and furnishings being destroyed and on top of all that the shrieks and yells of fashionably dressed men  
and women of wealth and taste turning into a mindless human stampede.

"There is no need for concern. I am using non-lethal ordnance," her MITHRIL appointed bodyguard  
assured her in a calm tone as he expertly pumped another round into his weapon.

**_"That's not the point you idiot!!"_**

"You're right, Chidori."

This caused the furious young woman to stop in mid-shout.

"I am?"

"Yes, thank you for reminding me that my first priority is to ensure your safety."

If the circumstances hadn't been so serious, Kyoko would have laughed at the dumbfounded expression on her best friend's face.

"Sagara-san, what are you doing?"

The freckled girl turned around to see what Rin was talking about and froze.

The military otaku was pulling out several round metal balls with pins attached to their handles from under the cuffs of his long dark pants.

_"Please tell me they're not what I think they are."_

"Do not be alarmed, as this evening was to be spent in an enclosed environment I only brought smoke grenades.  
After I throw them out into the center of the room, please proceed to exit the room and wait for me in a better secured area."

**_"Wait Sousuke! You can't use those things in here!! They'll-"_**

The blue haired girl's cry was just a few seconds too late.

Four green grenades bounced and tumbled along the restaurant's floor.

***WHOOMPH***

Thick clouds of choking black smoke suddenly drowned the room in an eye-watering haze.

**_*BWEEETBWEEETBWEEET*_**

A new ear piercing noise suddenly drowned out all of the other commotion.

Cold water began to spray from the ceiling like icy rain.

_"...set off the fire alarm."_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma and the mysterious short haired assassin held each other's gaze as their bodies remained locked in the middle of their interrupted battle,  
each of them trying to decipher what the other was going to do next as behind Ranma the orders of the angry men grew louder and more heated.

**"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!"**

The sweating Saotome had the unhappy feeling that she was getting more out of him then he was from her own perfectly calm mask.  
She might as well have been born with the Soul of Ice for all the emotion that she definitely was not showing.

A walkie talkie crackled.

**"BIG CHIMP ONE IS DOWN!! I REPEAT, THE CHIMP IS DOWN!! RESPONSE TEAM ALPHA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!"**

One did not have to be a Ki master to sense the sudden rise in killing intent suddenly being focused on such an obvious target.

Something so subtle that it couldn't even be called communication passed between the eyes of the two combatants.

Ranma broke to the left at the same time that Xia Yu Lan dashed to the right.

Both did so barely a split second ahead of the bullet barrage that passed through where they had just been standing.

**"GET THEM!!"**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**_"Kashim! You son of a bitch!!" _**

From where she sat behind a nearby overturned table, Tsuruko gave her upset co-wife an unreadable look.

"Mana dear, we really need to talk about this troubling tendency to bring your work home with you."

Behind her own table, Yoruichi was taking this whole turn of events fairly well. She'd had her priorities straight  
from the very first gunshot and had managed to save quite a few delectable dishes from being dumped to the floor  
in all the commotion. As long as the food lasted she wasn't really concerned about whatever minor conflict might  
be happening around her. There weren't any weaklings in _***this***_ family.

"So what happened to your elephant gun," the first wife asked between bites.

**_"I left it back at the apartment because I thought I was going to get lucky tonight!"_**

Nodoka Saotome seemed to accept these new circumstances with surprising calm.

"You know dear, except for the gunfire this rather reminds me of when we used to date."

Genma just nodded at her while he chewed. He too had had his priorities in order  
and brought his wife down to safety first, then gone after the food.

Soi Fon in the meantime was watching her mistress eat while trying not to break down from the soft buzzing coming from where she sat.

_"Yoru-ichi-sama!" _

The former commander of the Intelligence Division had not lost her special touch over the years.

And then some damn fool set off the sprinkler system with smoke grenades.

**_"Growf!"_**

**Now** it was personal.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma really was having a bad day.

**"OOF,"** screamed his newest dance partner as the young man delivered three punches to the kidneys, cracked the instep  
of the right foot with a solid stomp from his own foot and then finished the combo with an old fashioned rising headbutt  
that splattered the solidly built man's nose with his rock hard forehead.

Whoever these guys were, they had some serious training. Not in martial arts, but in the even older art  
of doing whatever it took to put the other guy down for the count. Damn body armor wasn't making this  
any easier either, forcing him to employ moves that would have shocked and horrified anyone who thought  
that they knew him in Nerima.

**"AGGGH,"** cried out the man behind him as Saotome kicked the pistol in his hands in an upwards direction, breaking the fingers still holding it.  
That still didn't stop him from throwing a kick back at the martial artist, who promptly did the splits and performed a double nutcracker punch  
on both of his opponents. They toppled like very large trees to the floor.

This was why he'd wanted to stay in Nerima. At least over there when he hit somebody they had the grace to stay down after awhile.  
He didn't like hurting others, sparring and fighting was fine but his sensitive soul always felt bad about inflicting anything  
more permanent then bruises and concussions. Well, except for Kuno...and Hibiki, but they both could take the damage...and that Mikaido pervert  
had it coming to him and well as for Happosai, that was practically an act of public service!

On the other side of the all he could hear the sickening sound of metal entering flesh and the groans and yells coming from where a bunch  
of the dark suited figures were trying to take down the deadly girl. He might have felt some sympathy for them in their task if not for the fact  
that they'd just tried to kill him too. From the ground he grabbed one of the fallen men and flipped him over to intercept the gunshots  
their companions sent his way. The man screamed as blood gushed from new wounds in his legs.

Ranma used his legs to propel his improvised human shield at the shooters, forcing them  
to scramble out of the way as the screaming missile flew through the air at them.

He was back on his feet and on them in a flash, stripping one pistol of its top and barrel and using throwing the metal  
at the second armed man's face, making him duck instinctively. That was long enough for the pigtailed boy to throat chop  
the first shooter, sending the bigger man to his knees choking and gagging. The martial artist seized the second man  
before he could raise his weapon again and prepared to take him out when the agent suddenly gave a small sigh  
and slumped forward like a dead weight. Ranma released him as he fell and saw the quivering hilt of the knife  
jutting out of his back. With an almost resigned certainty, Ranma looked up to the other side of hall.

Right down the barrel of the pistol being aimed directly at his head by the completely unscathed assassin standing in the middle of a lot of dead bodies.

This time he knew, dodging was out of the question. The black hole of the barrel seemed to be swallowing up his universe in that timeless moment.

She pulled the trigger.

***click***

They both looked at the gun. Then she looked at him.

Lan threw the empty pistol at him and started to run.

He had taken just two steps after her when the fire alarm went off and the sprinkler system burst into life.

**_"GOD DAMN IT!!"_**

**Somebody** was going to pay for this.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The US Secret Service was the best that America had to offer.

They had the finest people, the best weapons and equipment that money could buy and a proud tradition  
of almost never failing to do their job of keeping the most important man in the Free World alive.

Which was why they could perhaps be forgiven for being completely confused as to what was actually going on now.

** "What's that? Was it a male assassin or a female assassin? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOTH?"**

"Where are they? Charlie Team says they're in the main dining room, but elements of Bravo Team reported they were in the corridors!"

"Fuck this shit! Just round everyone here up and we'll sort it all out later!!"

This met with general approval.

The operational remnants of Bravo team regrouped with Charlie Team's Tactical Division and prepared to storm the Dining Room.

Armored agents with riot shields smashed the two main doors of the room open and threw half a dozen flashbangs  
into the chaotic swirl of smoke, raining water and flashes of gunfire coming from both sides of the large room.

**"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER!!"**

There was a brief pause in the firefight as blinding light and ear-splitting noise filled the air.

Then both sides turned their fire on the Secret Service agents charging into the room.

This was not going to be America's finest hour.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Xia Yu Lan hit the doors at a run with an angry and quite soaked Ranma Saotome hot on her heels.

The busty redhead lost sight of her quarry almost immediately in the thick black smoke and pouring water  
that was interspersed with the horribly familiar sound of her third wive's favorite pistols being put to use.  
She caught a momentary glimpse of Mana's form sliding through one of her gun katas as she fired in multiple directions  
but lost her as the smoke concealed her shapely form again. Other people were firing too and the pigtailed girl  
was certain that at least one idiot was using a shotgun in this confined area.

Ranma made a swift tactical command decision. Everyone in the room  
not related to her by blood or marriage was going to get their ass kicked.

A large shape loomed out of the smoke next to her.

Her swift fist was caught by a paw.

"Pops! What the hell is going on here?!"

"Growf!"

She read the sign he held up.

**_'No idea. Just hit anyone you don't know.'_**

Panda and daughter both punched out and sent two confused agents that had appeared out the smoke next to them flying in opposite directions.

"Works for me."

And with that, Ranma Saotome entered the fight in earnest.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Yoruichi was **not** happy.

Leaving aside the fact that she now had the pleasure of knowing three of the other four women present  
had not worn a bra this evening, her food was now cold, soggy and ruined by all the water and the acrid smell  
of artificial smoke. Even worse, all that effort put into her hair this afternoon was now completely shot to hell.  
The older woman made up her mind. This was Mana's mess and a matter of the living world. She could stay and clean it up.

"Soi-fon, we're leaving."

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama!"

An unfortunate Secret Service man who had the sheer audacity to point a weapon in her direction discovered too late  
that a butter knife had been jammed into the barrel when he pulled the trigger. But if he got sufficient medical attention  
in time they'd probably be able to save all of his fingers.

She stretched her hands out together and aimed them at the nearest wall.

_** "Hado #58, Tenran!"**_

The plaster and glass exploded outward under the power of the cyclone gust while the agents and furniture that had been in the way  
were flung aside in random directions. Cool night air blew in from the huge hole as the sounds of people screaming from the street  
below also entered the room.

Tatsumiya appeared out of the dwindling smoke, her expensive black dress ripped all the way up to her hips on either side in order  
to give her legs more freedom of movement. She was dueling with at least twelve different opponents at the same time. As one of them  
drew a bead on her from behind a furious half-exposed redhead erupted out of the murky darkness at him.

**_ "What the hell do you think you're trying to do to my wife!!"_**

The dark skinned woman grinned at the sound of bones breaking. She watched as Mana and their husband moved like syncronized machines,  
covering each other's blind spots as they incapacitated their opponents by shooting out kneecaps and beating them unconscious.  
From the other side of the room the instigator for the whole mess appeared to have his hands full as he was now employing his shotgun  
as a club while pulling out a hold-out pistol that he used to great effect on the men trying to take him down.

Yoruichi saw that Genma had the same idea that she did as the great bulk of the Panda heaved his protesting wife  
over one shoulder and leapt out into the night. Yes, that mod-soul had always had his priorities straight.

She also noticed that Tsuruko had joined her and the shivering Soifon, pausing only to kick off the tasteful but hindering shoes from her feet.

"Shall we go? I feel in need of a hot bath and a change of clothes."

The Shinigami nodded.

She yelled back to the still battling duo, "We're going on ahead home. Catch up with us later, Lovebirds!"

And then in a blur of movement, the three of them were gone.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Manager! There's fighting in the main dining room! They say guests have been killed!"

"What?! **Inconceivable!!**"

The Heart of Jade's manager was a man whose entire world seemed to be crashing down around his ears.

He slammed open the big double doors to the kitchens, determined to rally his staff in this time of crisis.

Something large and heavy fell and knocked him flat on the cold floor.

The dazed short sighted man scrambled for his glasses and stuck them back on as he looked at the object that had hit him.

He read the label.

_'Front toward enemy'_

The manager was still trying to figure out what it meant when seventy pounds of claymore mines and C-4 blew up in his face.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

As Chidori Kaname hurried the other drenched girls out through emergency fire escape she hoped that Sousuke Sagara would survive the battle.

Because after all that had happened she wanted to be able to kill him personally.

That absolute violence obsessed _**I-D-I-O-T-!!!**_

"Come on, Chidori!"

A distant explosion from inside actually made the entire building rock for a moment, causing the long blue haired girl to slip and fall.

"Just go! I'll catch up to you!"

The sound of rapidly running feet coming closer made Kaname look back. Speak of the Devil....

**"Sousuke!!"**

The battle-scarred young MITHRIL agent emptied the last rounds in his second hold-out pistol down the hall  
and then threw the empty weapon away as he ran towards his charge and her wide eyed friends.

"We need to evacuate the premises immediately, Chidori. I believe this entire place is rigged to blow."

Without even breaking his stride he scooped her up like a sack of meal and carried her in his arms as he sprinted towards the exit.

"What did you say?"

She couldn't have heard him right. Kaname looked into his eyes.

_"oh no."_

They got out just ahead of the first series of explosions.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Why does this always happen whenever we go somewhere nice to eat," Ranma Saotome bitched loudly to the uncaring ceiling  
as she ran after Mana down a burning corridor, the floor behind them crumbling and collapsing as men screamed and shouted behind them.  
Any thoughts of going out the same way as the rest of her family had ended when a fireball from below had incinerated the area and people  
who had been standing right in front of the hole. After that it had stopped being a firefight and more a matter of keeping away from the fire  
and sudden pitfalls opening up all around the floor.

"Is one dinner uninterrupted by everyone trying to kill me so much to ask for?!"

The whole damn place was coming down now. Another chain of explosions from below told the pigtailed girl  
that it would be a very good idea not to be inside this place in the immediate future.

Her wife halted in front of a dead end and jerked a thumb at the blank wall.

"This looks like your specialty, honey."

Ranma didn't even bother to argue with her. And at least this gave her an outlet for her venting.

_**"Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!!"**_

Thirty seconds later, there was only an empty burning corridor with a large hole leading to the outside.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Geh! I can't believe that jerk Mousse had that many kitchen sinks up his sleeves!!"

"Just be glad that Shampoo and Cologne got all of his attention."

Nabiki gingerly touched the rapidly darkening bruise over her left eye as she replied to her seething younger sister.  
This was the first time anyone had ever dared strike her since elementary school. Duckboy was a dead man when she got back  
to Nerima. She didn't know how Ranma had convinced him to switch sides and she really didn't care at this point.  
They were all going to pay. Photos were just going to be the start. She would have video of those big titted cows  
up for the drooling masses to bid over and no stupid warning from an idiot like Ranma was going to stop her!

"Are you sure this is the right place, Nabiki?"

The sudden hesitancy in Akane's voice brought Nabiki out of her fantasies of revenge and profit. For the first time she noticed  
the crowd of people with cameras and broadcasting equipment that lined the street outside of a set perimeter guarded by several  
unsmiling men in dark suits.

A sudden explosion overhead from the elegant building in front of them was really all the confirmation that she needed.

"What's that! It looks like a bear!!"

Of course, the sight of a large panda with a woman over his shoulder leaping  
out of the resulting hole and off into the night was also a rather big clue too.

"Yes, I do believe this is the place."

That was good enough for Akane. With a roar she knocked men and women down left and right and shoved her way through the perimeter,  
a full head of steam building inside of her as all of the day's humiliations ran through her head in an endless loop. Being blasted  
into the air, her hair, the violation of the sanctity of her bedroom, her hair, that bitch's cheap trick with the coin, her hair,  
being humiliated again in front of all of her peers by that bigamist and most important of all, they'd SHOT HER HAIR!!!

**_"You Jerk!_ I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!"**

Men in suits tried to stop her forward momentum. But Akane Tendo had spent several months learning how to deal with guys  
trying to stop her at Furinkan High and the old skills came back easily to her muscles as she inflicted grievious harm  
all out of proportion to her seemingly harmless appearance.

She was almost to the entrance when the building proper started to explode.

The force of the blast blew the youngest Tendo off of her feet and sent her flying backwards. As she struggled to get back up  
a second round of loud explosions rumbled through the foundations which was in turn followed by a third wave that blew out windows  
in every direction as the plume of heat and flame erupted up through floor after floor. An ominous rumbling sounded from the swaying  
building as screaming people ran from the flaming holocaust.

**_"What's going on,"_** screamed a deafened and dazed Akane.

With a final sigh of metal abused to the point of no return, the Heart of Jade collapsed in on itself.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_ "You're late, Sister."_

"I was delayed by unforeseen circumstances."

"Were you seen?"

"Yes. There was a boy. I was not able to eliminate him."

"Teacher will not be pleased."

"It could not be helped. Kashim and Shevac were there as well."

"We must inform Teacher about this then. He is interested in Kashim's current activities."

"And Shevac?"

"We will see. Teacher may have other plans for her."

"The boy seemed to know her."

"Then perhaps his survival is not a total loss then."

"Yes, Sister."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"_Cough!_ Nabiki! Where are you?"

Akane Tendo struggled out of the rubble, gasping and coughing from the thick dust that filled the air.

This was all Ranma's fault, she knew it in her bones. She was going to give him such a kick when she found him!

**"THERE SHE IS! IT'S THE OTHER ASSASSIN!!"**

"Let me go!! You can't do this to me!! I know my rights**_-*ZAP*-AAAAUGHHH!!"_**

**_"Nabiki?!"_**

Akane managed to pull herself unsteadily to her feet. She saw that she was surrounded. Well, it was no matter. She could beat them all, no problem.

**"IT'S THE MAN GIRL ASSASSIN!! SUBDUE HER!!!"**

The grimy short haired girl's eyes nearly popped out of her head with rage.

**_How dare they-_**

Dozens of painful little stings seemed to hit her from every direction.

**_*ZACK**ZAP*ZAP*ZZZZZZZTTTTT*_**

"GAAAAAAGHHH!!!!!"

The girl shrieked as thirty tasers pumped her full of enough juice to light up a large store.

** "TAKE THEM AWAY! NOTIFY THE PRESS THAT WE CAUGHT THE ASSASSINS RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING THE PRESIDENT  
AND TELL THE AIR FORCE THAT WE NEED AN IMMEDIATE TRANSPORT TO GUANTANAMO BAY!!""**

-End Chapter 9

_-*-_-*-_-*-_

**_ _-*-*-OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE-*-*-__**

** -Omake by Lord Raa**

Ranma, having returned from restrooms, noticed that Nodoka was smiling at his wives.

'Uh-oh, what's going on now?'

"Hmm..." Tsuruko mused.

"What's up, Tsuruko-chan?" Nodoka asked.

"I appreciate the images of Ranma-kun, but there's something lacking in these early photos."

"And what's that?" Mana asked.

"Well, I know that Ranma's grown up, but compare Nodoka-san's photos with these ones I bought,"  
Tsuruko said as she pulled out half a dozen indecent images of Ranma.

All the colour drained from the cursed martial artist's face when he saw exactly what was going on the photos.

"Shit..."

"Is there something that you'd like to tell us, darling?" Yoruichi asked with a teasing grin on her features.  
"I'm sure that you can explain just why you're chained up wearing nothing but baby oil."

"Olive oil," Ranma corrected. He winced when he felt the wives glared at him. "Pops said it was part of my training.  
He wanted to make sure I could get out of pretty much any situation."

"Really?" Mana asked, her gold eyes darting to the topmost image and lingering over the details.

"Yes, it was so he could learn how to deal with extreme circumstances and certainly  
wasn't because I'd pimped him out for booze money," Genma replied.

Ranma facepalmed. "Pops, you idiot."

** -Omake by Nanya**

"There we go, some proper meat at last! None of this raw fish crap."

"Mr. President, we still need to inspect it first."

"But I'm starving! Man needs to keep up his strength, isn't that right cupcake?

"Tee hee! Of course, Decider in Chief!"

"Hah! Good one!"

"Sir, we have these procedures for your safety."

"If I don't get some meat right now, I'm going to resort to cannibalism and you're going to be the first on my list."

"...Yes sir, enjoy your meat sir."

** -Omake by Jomasten**

"Shevac!" Sousuke shouted.

"Kasim!" An angy voice that was NOT Mana's responded.

"Balalaika?!" Mana finally shouted.

"...Shevac?" Balalaika murmured.

"What the frick, Sis! What are you doing here?! Wait...Shevac!" Another female voice screamed.

Sousuke then shouted, "...Two-Hands?!"

It then degenerated to four of the most fearsome people in existence throwing accusatory voices using their names.

** -Omake by Iddy**

Xia Yu Lan was **not** having a good day. Well, to be honest, only the last five or ten minutes or so of her day had not been going well.

Granted, her primary mission had been completed, flawlessly as usual. A plan that had come together beautifully.  
One that even her vaunted shi jie, her oh-so-beautiful, fierce, and absolutely perfect shi jie,  
would nod at with that small smirk that sent absolutely glorious shivers down her spine and--

Back to the mission, Xia Yu Lan, back to the mission...

Everything had been going well until the ex-filtration. And then he had shown up. Oh, how he was a thorn in her side.  
Him with those graceful movements, and those fierce and determined eyes, much like her vaunted shi jie's piercing stare.

She knew what he was. He had Martial Artist written in his every movement. The way he took down  
the Secret Service Agents with non-lethal blows spoke volumes on his mind frame and training.

_But..._

But she saw it. Only a few times, but she saw it. He had the experience of fighting for his life.  
It was written into him on those rare moments he would use the Agents to intercept serious threats.  
When he would use them to shield himself from the gunfire of their fellows. This was a man who knew  
what it was like to fight, truly fight.

And damn it if this _potentially_ glorious specimen of man wasn't damned good enough  
to fight her to a standstill. Maybe more, had he found a way to counter her blades.

And, as she bolted back into the smoke filled main room through the waiter's door, searching for an alternate ex-filtration route,  
the frustrating thoughts that Ranma Saotome caused in more than one woman froze in her mind as she came face to face with the barrel of a gun.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Mana Tatsumiya-Saotome was **not** having a good day. Well, to be honest, only the last five or ten minutes or so of her day had not been going well.

Granted, her primary mission had been _mostly_ completed, flawlessly as usual. A plan that had come together beautifully.  
One that even her fellow wives had been impressed with. One that brought a look, an oh-so-beautifully glorious look,  
of absolute defeat and despair to her husband's face. The look of abject defeat, shoulders slumped, eyes so beaten down,  
she could tell with just a glance that he would do anything he was commanded to. Those eyes sent absolutely glorious shivers  
down her spine and--

Back to the mission, Mana Tatsumiya-Saotome, back to the mission..

Everything had been going well until her husband had gone off to the bathroom. And then it had happened.  
The attention grabbing crack and pop of a Sig P229, in .357 SIG.

"That sounds like .357 SIG rounds."

It was such a pleasant sound, actually. A very respectable handgun, that one. Though the grip was just a bit too thick for her.  
It tended to throw her finger placement off by just a few fractions of an inch. Made it hard to judge where the trigger wall was,  
which made it more difficult to time the hammer dropping...

But she knew what that sound meant, and that was far more important that her personal preferences.  
It meant someone had done something to interrupt her night. She knew her fellow wives knew that too,  
and looked over to see what they would do about it, though she had a pretty good idea already.

Coming face to face with the blank stares of everyone else at the table. Wait, she knew those looks.  
She'd sent them at her husband more than once. Eyes widening, she raised her hands defensively.

**_"I didn't do it!"_**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Mana knew that whatever was happening was bigger than she initially thought. The well dressed, but identically suited,  
men that came pouring into the restaurant after the initial sounds of gunfire were more than just bodyguards,  
more than just gun toting criminals.

They were like her. Professionals. They lived, breathed, dreamed, ate, and drank their work.

Granted, they weren't as good as she was, but there was a certain level of professional respect they were due, regardless.

The main difference, though? They were government. That meant bad, bad things for her new, and tentative, family.  
She herself was well known in certain government circles. To be found here, where an attack on some government official,  
and by skin color of the bodyguards a foreign one, had happened would raise difficult questions.

So, the mission of her night changed. She needed to get her family out of there. So she began clearing the path  
to one of the dozen ex-filtration routes she had mapped out while being led to their table.

And, as she was nearing the swinging waiter's door that lead further into her route, it was nearly blasted off  
of its hinges by the sprinting figure that barreled through it and almost directly into her.

Well, directly into Mana's gun barrel, at least.

Looking over the sights of her gun, but never down them at this close range, Mana Tatsumiya-Saotome  
could do nothing as the thoughts of her husband's family froze in her mind.

Right before anger made its way to the front and she hissed out at the figure.

_"Xia Yu Lan, what the **hell** are you doing?!"_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Looking over the barrel of the gun in her face, Lan locked eyes with its wielder, and again her mind was frozen.  
Those eyes! Those were her sempai's eyes! Those oh-so-beautiful, fierce, and absolutely perfect eyes  
were already sending the first gloriously addictive shivers down her spine and-

_"Xia Yu Lan, what the **hell** are you doing?!"_

Oh. Oh, hell. Oh, hell **no!**

Her sempai was here. Her _shi jie_ was here!

That meant one thing. Whatever her shi jie had been planning for that night had just been ruined by her!  
She wanted to cry. This was not good. Nothing enjoyable would come from this.

...Well, maybe afterwards. One could always hope?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Mana, in her white hot rage of having her night ruined, reached out and did something uncharacteristic of her.

_"OW!"_

She grabbed Lan's ear in a white knuckled death grip and dragged the smaller girl nose-to-nose,  
with the barrel of her gun digging into the underside of Lan's chin.

** "You are going to come with me right *now* and you *will* explain this. And you and your sister,  
whom damn well *better* be listening, will have a sufficient explanation or you will *regret it  
with every fiber of your souls.*"**

_"...yes, shi jie."_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, drying the last of water off his face  
and let the towel hang around his neck, as he surveyed those present. One of the twins,  
he wasn't sure which, was glaring at him. Much like Soi Fon always did....

After a moment of silent contemplating, he spoke.

"So, let me get this straight. You, Mana, have two...Uh, kouhais? Which are these two?"

A single nod.

"And you two just ruined our first night out because you assassinated some government official?"

Two reluctant nods, and one glare answered.

"...Alright, done. Not dealing with this. Nope, no way."

Turning and heading upstairs to his bedroom, he paused as he heard multiple shuffles.

"...I'm going to bed. Alone."

He was sure three pouts answered that one.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

What Ranma didn't know was three pouts **weren't** the answer to that last one.

It was four.

And a blush.

Xia Yu Fan stared absolutely horrified at her younger sisters blushing pout.

"**LAN!** How could you! He's the one who took shi jie away from us!  
We agreed that Mana-shi jie was the only one we ever needed!"

Twirling her thumbs together, Lan did not look to her sister from where her gaze was locked  
at the top of the stairs, missing the now interested gaze of the four older married women in the room.

"Yeah, but...You didn't see the way he moved, Fan. It was amazing...  
And his eyes...When those Agents opened fire...It was like looking at shi jie's eyes!"

Lan quickly glanced at her sister before looking at the ground, an even more intense blush on her face.

"...and did you just see he ass? Oh my god, it was perfect!"

Fan's eyes shriveled down into pinpricks of horror as she stared at her sister, frozen at the absolute blasphemy she had just spoken.

Only to be broken out of it as she snapped her head to stare at Yoruichi in equal parts terror and embarrassment as she spoke.

"Damn you, Tatsumiya! How the hell did you find **_TWO?!_** I thought I was ahead of the game with Soi Fon!"

Turning, Yoruichi snapped a pointing hand at Soi Fon, who was just as mortified as Fan was.

"You! Serve your mistress properly and go find your long lost bisexual twin! Now, damn it!"

Mana only looked on, smirking at Yoruichi smugly. _'Good luck, girl. This one is my win!_


	11. Delicious Hot Dickings

**Coming Home to Roost  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor.

_"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."  
-Erica Jong_

** -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
Chapter 10: Delicious Hot Dickings  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

Two figures watched silently from the shadows as the still twitching Tendo girls  
were hauled off into a black armored van by silent men in dark suits. When they  
were gone, the pair turned back to observe the smoldering remains of what had  
once been one of the finest restaurants in all of Tokyo.

_ "Too too stupid girls get what coming to them, yes great grandmother?"_

_ "Mmm."_

The little old woman's attention was entirely focused on the disaster zone as emergency personnel  
did their best to treat the injured on the scene and removed those beyond medical attention  
to neat rows on the side where somber people wearing gloves bagged and tagged them.

"But no look like husband would eat here. We at right place?"

Cologne watched as one of the last standing steel beams, still glowing red hot,  
cracked in two and tumbled back into the smoking wreckage.

"Yes, I think it's safe to say that Son in Law was definitely here," she said dryly.

"Stupid Mousse! He make Shampoo waste too too much time. Duck be punished when Shampoo get back!"

"Oh I don't know, it was rather impressive of him to last that long.  
He might have even beaten you if he'd faced you alone. I may have  
to reassess my opinion of the boy."

"Great Grandmother?"

Shampoo goggled at the grinning elder. This was the first time she'd  
***ever*** heard the old woman say anything kind about the visually challenged  
young man.

"Don't look so surprised, Granddaughter. Just because you're taking Son in Law  
to the wedding bed doesn't mean you can't have another young stud eager and raring to go as well."

The purple haired amazon's jaw dropped as her mind drew a picture.  
When it added color and sound effects, she blushed and clapped a hand  
to her nose where a small trickle of blood oozed out.

"Yes, there's nothing like two well hung lovers at the same time to really fill you up completely,"  
Cologne sighed happily as she wiped a little drool off with the sleeve of her robe. Those had been  
the days, back when men had real stamina, not like most of the feeble males of this generation.  
She'd enjoyed a vigorous sex life well into her eighties and still felt a tinge of regret that  
the Love Pill had worn off of Shampoo's Groom before she'd been able to give him a real test drive.

**_ "Great Grandmama!"_**

The old woman shot an amused glance at the young Amazon.

"Just remember that it's not gay as long as their balls don't touch."

Shampoo slipped and fell to the ground as the elder cackled from the perch on her knobby staff.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It was a small convenience store on the corner of the block.  
The place looked no different from a thousand identical plastic  
franchises that sold all those little things needed by single  
people who had little time to make anything at home.

However tonight this particular place of business was receiving customers a bit outside of its normal clientele.

The oily faced clerk on duty could only gawk as a tall tanned soaking wet young woman in a ripped and torn black  
evening dress stepped through the automatic doors. Her stunning features combined with how her wet clothes  
literally clung to her every curve made the pictures in his porn magazine stash look absolutely worthless.

And then the young woman's arm yanked her companion in after her.

_ "Duhh...!"_

All higher brain functions ceased at the sight of large tits and perky pink nipples.

"Can we just get the hot water and go?"

The young man was still staring when a cup of hot water from the dispenser made the hynotizing boobs suddenly disappear.

"**Yeouch!** That stuff is hot!"

"What do you expect? They brew packet tea and chocolate with it."

The cashier blinked as the two of them left.

Had anyone asked him to describe the strange pair in detail he would have been at a loss since from the moment they'd  
entered to the moment they'd departed he had not once been looking anywhere near the level of their faces.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma Saotome studiously kept his attention on the empty street in front of him  
as he blocked the entrance of the small side alley with his body.

Behind him he could hear the slap of wet cloth hitting the ground as his wife slipped out of her soaked dress  
and into some dry clothes. The young martial artist said nothing and completely blanked his mind from any mental  
pictures of what kind of scene was taking place behind him. He knew he shouldn't have been so surprised that Mana  
kept supply caches in the city, she and her partner had done much the same thing in the wilds of Afghanistan as well.  
But still, just how many guns did his third wife actually have stashed away?

"It's safe to look now."

Ranma didn't turn around. He was not a complete idiot.

"Really?"

In response to his question, two arms the color of warm bronze wrapped themselves tightly around him from behind.

He went stiff as a most bountiful softness pressed against his naked shoulders.

_"Yes,"_ breathed Mana Tatsumiya into his shivering ear.

"oh-**Mmmmmph!**"

It wasn't that the pigtailed boy lacked the spirit of romance in his soul. There was just something incredibly awkward  
about being the one bent over backwards as his taller spouse leaned over to lock lips with a level of passion that  
would have gotten a rise out of a week old corpse.

She tasted of heat and rich spices. The velvet of her tongue slipped into his mouth and demanded a response from his own.  
He gave it willingly in a duel that flashed from his mouth to her own as the adrenaline rush from the life or death battle  
had changed from the need to bash somebody else's head in to a more primeval urge that was as old as man and woman.

Mana slammed his back roughly against the brick wall as she held the kiss. Her hands were all over his form, touching  
and claiming all that belonged to her, savoring the small sounds he made against her lips as her palms ran over his  
nipples and caressed the tough layers of muscle around his ribcage.

Ranma was touching her too. His fingers slid along the lines of her shirt, eliciting a muffled moan of approval as they  
slid further down to cup the bottom of her tan kahki shorts. Then back up again around the interlocking web harness of  
gun holsters and under the thin cotton to feel up the smooth skin of her back until they reached the black band  
under her shoulders where his fingers hesitated as they felt around further.

"_Chuuu_-what's wrong," Mana asked him as their lips briefly seperated.

"Is that a **_bowie knife_** in your bra strap?"

"Yes. Watch out for the caltrops too."

"Oh, nice booby traps."

"You really do talk too much-**_Mmmmm."_**

Ranma would have complained about this unfair characterization except that this would have required both a free tongue  
and a brain not completely saturated with a cocktail of testosterone and pheromones able to think above gutter level.

"_Mmmph_-wait, what about the others?"

Mana sucked hungrily on the skin of his throat before answering.

"I won the jan-ken-pon for tonight."

"**_Ooh._** that's good."

This time it was her turn to purr as he nipped her ear lobe before finally taking the offensive in their oral duel.

His wife gasped softly with delight as his rough hands finally cupped the undersides of her breasts after briefly  
detouring ticklishly around her taut belly. His calloused fingers probed around delicately like a bomb disposal squad  
dealing with live explosives. Their hips met as the shorter boy was forced to wrap his legs around her to keep from falling.  
The additional stimulation pleased her. And then to the young woman's complete astonishment, he stopped.

"_Mmmph_-wait, we can't do this," Ranma gasped.

"Why not," Mana hissed in frustration as she squeezed firmly on the hard hot rod pressing against her.

"_Ooo_-a hotel," her husband whimpered.

This actually made sense and Tatsumiya calmed down slightly. There was something to be said for a soft bed after all.

"Fine."

Ranma's feet touched the ground.

"Mana."

"Yes?"

_"Could you please **let go** now?"_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**_ "Confess Confess! We know you did it! Everyone saw you do it! Just admit it!"_**

** "I didn't do anything!"**

This angry outburst seemed to momentarily puzzle the looming giant of a man. He decided to try again.

**_ "Fess up! It was you that did it!"_**

** "No!"**

Agent Humus stared at the red faced short haired girl. This suspect seemed to require interrogation above his pay grade.

** "I want to see a lawyer!"**

The large man shrugged helplessly at the large mirrored glass behind her.

Behind the one way glass, Senior Agent Smith rubbed his throbbing temples. Why did this have to happen on his watch?

"Someone please tell me that there's some good news."

It was not a request.

"We've got the violent one in heavy restraints and ready to load on the plane, sir."

This got the speaker a cold glare. There was an uncomfortable silence until an excited junior agent  
shoved the door to the observation room open.

"Agent Smith, the CIA claims that they have the assassins in custody!"

"What? We've already got them here. What the hell are they talking about?"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Yes! I did it," proudly proclaimed the man in the white kimono and green striped hakama.

"What have we got so far?"

"Well sir, he's confessed to assassinating the President, the Vice President, hiding Iraq's WMD,  
planning 9/11, both of the Kennedy assassinations, bombing Pearl Harbor and the assassination  
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand."

"But we haven't even waterboarded him yet!"

"At this point sir, I'm regretfully forced to conclude that he might actually be an innocent man."

"No! I did it all! Now lock me up away someplace safe!"

"Sensei, you shouldn't worry us like this."

**_"How long have you been here?"_**

"Always."

"My inability to be taken away from my deranged class by the authorities has left me in **DESPAIR!**"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Sousuke Sagara! What kind of place is this?"

A man more familiar with the nuances of feminine communication would have realized that the question  
was merely rhetorical and that the furiously blushing girls knew the exact nature of their current location.  
And any person blessed with ordinary common sense would have fled for their life the moment they realized  
Kaname's hands were no longer in plain sight.

"This is merely a temporary tactical fallback point to regroup and reassess the current status of the mission, Chidori.  
I have previously inspected the premises and have found them suitable for short term occupancy as the frequent turnover  
of guests inhibit monitoring and detection by outside forces."

Never let it be said that Sousuke was ordinary in any shape or manner.

"It's a LOVE HOTEL, **_YOU IDIOT!_**"

***MEGATHWACKCOMBO***

Sagara lifted his head up from where he was lying in a smoking heap on the lobby floor.

"If it is your concern about being seen entering then do not worry Chidori. If anyone were to ask later  
I would of course immediately deny that you and your friends accompanied me inside. And should they have  
any physical evidence of such an event I would of course extract such material from them with maximum efficiency  
and ensure that they are never able to speak of it again. So you see-"

***STOMPSTOMPSTOMP***

Sometimes he just didn't know when to quit while he was ahead either.

"Oh wow!"

Kyoko stared with wide eyes at the couple that had just walked in. Well, technically walked since one of the woman's  
legs seemed to be locked around the man's back and they seemed to have achieved fusion above the waist.  
It was the man's hands that she noticed first, she had always wondered what certain literature had meant  
by the term "large horny hands" and now she had the answer. They were indeed very big hands and they certainly  
looked tough enough to crush rocks without the aid of equipment. But they were also living up to the other meaning  
of the word as they clamped onto that woman's buttocks like limpets against the tide. If raw passion were a measurable output,  
these two would have ranked on an emission level somewhere around nuclear fission.

The freckled girl absent-mindly wiped the fog from her glasses. She almost felt like she should  
be taking notes here. Surely it wasn't possible to do that with a human tongue!

**_ "Oh Genma!"_**

"Oh Nodoka!"

"Oh dear," said Ren in a hushed voice. There was something perversely mesmerizing about the spectacle,  
rather like witnessing a huge traffic accident. One couldn't help but watch even though you knew you  
probably shouldn't.

The girls watched in stunned silence as the interlocked duo somehow managed to pay for and grab the keys  
that came out of the automatic dispenser without ever once seperating or seeming to come up for breath  
before wandering down the hall towards whichever room they'd purchased. A few minutes after the pair  
had disappeared from sight they all heard a door slamming decisively shut.

"Is it just me or is this building actually starting to shake a little?"

"I hope it's just you, Kyoko," Kaname said woodenly.

It was at this point that the other couple entered the building and suddenly things got very noisy.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"I'm back!"

"Welcome home, Mistress!"

Orihime bounced with delight as Yoruichi rubbed the top of her quivering orange blonde head fondly.

"I see you've been waiting like a good girl."

Soi-fon could only glare with raw envy at the sight of her beloved Yoruichi touching  
that simple looking girl with those wonderful hands.

"Oh, Mistress! Is this Master Ranma come to play with us like you promised?"

The slender Shinigami Captain looked around in puzzlement before realization dawned and she exploded in fury.

** "I AM NOT A BOY!"**

"No dear. He won't be joining us tonight."

The busty Inoue's features turned slightly less cheerful. She had been looking forward to showing off the results of her dedicated training.

"But don't worry, it won't be much longer now. Isn't that right, Soi-fon."

The smaller woman suddenly gasped as Yoruichi's warm wet tongue rasped softly against the nape of her neck.

_ "My lady! I can't! **Not with him!"**_

She started to shiver uncontrollably as Yoruichi produced a small black hand-held remote that had its knob  
slowly rotated before her eyes up to its highest setting. Her legs seemed to turn to boiled spagetti as  
she sagged weakly against the dark skinned woman.

"You can. You will."

Yoruichi's eyes gleamed like smoky topazes.

"But first, we need to take care of some unfinished business."

"Hooray!"

The door to the bedroom swung open and Sakaki cautiously stuck her head out. The tall school girl had experienced  
one of the strangest days of her life and knew her mother must be worried about her disappearing from school  
and her home for so long. With any luck she hoped to explain that she really couldn't stay her any longer and-  
she stared at the sight of the beautiful woman who had originally brought her here standing there in the middle  
of the living room wearing only a pair of high cut gold bikini panties and casually flexing what looked like  
a black riding crop between her hands as two unblemished naked rears were presented for her inspection.

All that she could think of to say as all three heads turned to look at her was, _"Ah."_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Ranma Saotome knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that hot marital action was going to happen in the immediate future.  
Of course there would be all kinds of repercussions and fallout tomorrow, but that would be later.  
Saotomes as a rule were always good at putting off problems that weren't happening right at that particular moment.

Here and now he had his youngest wife is his arms and she wasn't mad at him.

He wanted to keep this happy state of affairs as long as possible.

Therefore the sex she wanted was going to happen.

And absolutely nothing was going to stop-

**_"SHEVAC!"_**

The interlocked pair froze for a moment and then abruptly broke lip contact as they seperated to give each other room to move.

"Kashim!"

Mana's hands blurred as they went for her weapons. Then they stopped right over the handles as her husband suddenly stabbed  
an angry finger in the direction of the young mercenary and roared, **"SOUSUKE SAGARA! BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE SEEN SEEN HELL!"**

Sagara blinked before recognition seemed to dawn in his eyes.

"Oh. Saotome, so you survived after all."

** "YOU SET US UP AS BAIT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" **

"Please do not attempt anything rash. The circumstances of combat at the time dictated that you and your father  
were expendable assets traveling at your own peril in the middle of a war zone."

**"EXPEND THIS!" **

Ranma kept his head low as he charged with glowing red eyes at the unperturbed armed MITHRIL operative.

Sousuke aimed the hold-out shotgun in his hands and fired.

Mana Tatsumiya Saotome had seen many strange things in her life. But she had to admit that the brief look of complete surprise  
on Sousuke Sagara's face in the instant between her husband suddenly not being where the muzzle was pointed at as it went off  
and the balled up fist that impacted him in the face hard enough to send him sliding back along the smooth marble floor  
was going to be one that she would always treasure.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_ "Yes. It was SHEVAC, Teacher."_

Xia Yu Fan held the small cellphone close to her ear as her naked younger twin toweled off her nude body  
in the middle of the small room they had checked into. Steam from the hot shower they had both taken still  
rose silently from their smooth white skin.

_ "Yes, her companion had a pigtail."_

The expression on her face didn't change as she listened to the sudden bout of laughter coming from the speaker.

Xia Yu Lan continued to work her way upwards from the hips as her older sister continued to listen, every now  
and then answering with a simple yes or no every now and then in response to the other caller. Although she  
was curious as to what their Teacher intended, she had been well trained in the art of patience. When the time  
was right her sister would tell her what she needed to know. As she finished drying off her sister she began  
to towel herself off, letting her twin's faint scent mix with her own. Lan's entire world consisted of only her twin Fan  
and Teacher. Soon the two of them would only have each other as they both knew that their care for Teacher was just  
prolonging the inevitable.

_ "Understood."_

The older Chinese girl clicked the phone off and closed it. Instinctively her other hand sought Xia Yu Lan's out  
and grasped it firmly. Their fingers closed around each other as they savored the warmth of each other's touch.

_ "Teacher has new orders for us?"_

"Yes. SHEVAC and her companion are to be eliminated."

Xia Yu Lan's eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she remembered the irritating young man she had unsuccessfully tried to kill.

_ "I'm glad."_

Fan dropped the phone on the floor and titled her younger sister's head back so that they faced each other.

_ "He upsets you?"_

"Not for long."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Is something wrong?"

Ren smiled at the sulking Ranma who was slouching against one of the walls in the hotel's lobby.

He shot her a withering glance.

"I can't believe you did that."

Her smile didn't falter a millimeter under his glare.

"It seemed the most obvious solution."

She gestured to where Sousuke and Mana were standing together, apparently talking shop as they compared  
various firearms and other instruments of their trade that made Ranma's stomach queasy just looking at them.  
What made the scene so disturbingly unnatural was the distinct lack of explosions, bullets and horribly  
mutilated corpses that he normally associated with any interaction between them. He found the very concept  
of them not trying to kill each other completely alien to his point of view. Worse, the way it had come  
about was one that had made a kind of terrifyingly logical sense once he'd thought about it a little bit.  
But was all of his suffering and the years of nightmares really worth only 500,000 yen?

"She did mention a discount for having previously provided other assets to her."

Ranma's head sunk lower.

"That's not helping."

So much for therapeutic violence. He'd only gotten one good punch in before negotiations had been opened up  
with his wife and he'd been forced to observe a tense cease-fire as Mana had haggled with Ren over the conditions  
of their new contract.

Ranma shook his head. Mercenaries. Give him a good ongoing antagonistic dispute involving baked goods  
any day of the week over this whole _"Screw the Feud, I've got Money!"_ attitude.

He watched as the two seasoned veterans finished their discussion and nodded curtly to the other  
in a way that was neither friendly or hostile. Just two professionals who were no longer on opposite  
sides for the moment and had no reason to try to kill each other.

Saotome was pleased to see when Sagara turned towards him that the hardened young man was developing a wicked looking  
shiner around his right eye. If nothing else, that had made this disaster of an evening completely worth it.

Sousuke surprised him by giving him a quick salute.

"Your tactical approach was most effective. I will remember not to use mercy loads next time."

Ranma barely suppressed the childish urge to flip him the bird. All things considered  
it just wasn't worth the risk of getting a finger shot off.

"If there is a next time I'll just drop a building on you."

To his credit, the Mithril agent seemed to consider this a serious possibility.

Sousuke turned and followed the three girls as they left the lobby, leaving Ranma and Mana alone in the suddenly quiet space.

He wondered what they were going to do now. Once the subject of a contract had come up, she'd suddenly become all  
business again and there wasn't any visible sign of the passionate women who'd been in his arms only a short while ago.

"Um, should we call it a night?"

Mana stepped up to him and grabbed the front of his shirt's collar.

"You. Me. Room. **_NOW._**"

"_oh. okay._"

Sometimes surrender to the inevitable was the only option.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Tsuruko Aoyama studied the letter she had penned on the desk in her hotel room. On her shoulder  
her companion Shippu cocked its feathered head at the flowing lines of beautiful kanji.

"That should do it then."

She folded the white paper into an envelope, sealed it with the Aoyama crest and held it out to the bird.

It carefully plucked it from her hand with its beak and tucked it safely in its downy breast.

"Take this to my sister. She should be the first one to learn of this happy occasion."

Shippu clucked its beak almost reproachfully as it hopped off the woman's shoulder and glided to the half-open balcony window.

"Well yes, that too of course. If it inspires her to take more decisive action  
with Mr. Manager, well that's merely a nice bonus. I would not mind calling him..._Brother-in-law._"

The pale bird's long neck curved as it glanced back at her and a rude sound erupted from its throat.

Tsuruko merely chuckled and waved it off on its flight.

Mana might have won tonight, but tomorrow there would be a reckoning with her husband.

Her smile took on a hungry aspect.

Oh yes, their time together would come around soon enough.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

His skin scrubbed red and raw, Sasuke Sarugakure sat huddled in a corner of his tiny personal quarters.

The loyal ninja servant of the House of Kuno was only grateful that Mistress Kodachi was not feeling in the mood  
for whips tonight as well. Death was a lighter then a feather compared to the mountains of duty that he performed  
in the name of loyalty to the main household.

Off in the distance he could catch occasional echoes of Tatewaki's mad laughter as he plotted yet another scheme to deal  
with the Foul Sorcerer Saotome and take back those beautiful flowers who were rightfully his. Sasuke sincerely hoped  
the young master would not try hiring more assassins. The last one had been a nightmare to deal with and had insisted on cash up front.  
The small ninja hadn't tried to argue with her at the time because frankly something about the look on her face had scared  
the bejeezus out of him.

Sometimes the loyal manservant wished his master would just a hire a hooker lookalike and get this unhealthy obsession out of his system.

But surely even Tatewaki Kuno couldn't possibly get into any more trouble until tomorrow.

Sasuke fell asleep on the floor, his body shuddering occasionally as his dreams were disturbed  
by floating fake rubber breasts and guns shooting demonic golden eyes at him.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Load them up!"

Two heavily reinforced medical stretchers were wheeled up the ramp of the C-5 Galaxy as its jet engine turbines howled on the base's runway.

Akane and Nabiki Tendo struggled and sputtered impotently against the ball gags that had been roughly shoved in their mouths and crudely held  
in place with plenty of duct tape. Solid steel restraints held Akane firmly in place and even her best efforts had failed to make any impression  
on the unyielding metal. The sisters were united as one in who was responsible for their torment, this was all RANMA'S FAULT!

As their stretchers were secured into the modified passenger hold by stonefaced military personnel, Akane swore that her fiance would pay  
for each and every humiliation she was suffering. They had even been put in adult diapers for the trip! The sheer indignity of it all  
would have had her screaming were it not for the gag in her mouth. Once Nabiki managed to find a good lawyer these gaijins were all  
going to pay for daring to treat her like some kind of criminal lunatic!

With the prisoners secured the men left and closed the doors behind them, leaving the two girls strapped side by side  
under a row of small yellow lights that were just bright enough to see each other if they turned their heads.

Security cameras with blinking red laser sights monitored them from every corner of the dark room.

Nabiki rested her head back with a grunt of defeat as she felt the plane begin to move in preparation for takeoff.

There was nothing else she could do now except rest and save her strength for when they landed wherever they were going.

At least it was relatively quiet in here-

"MMMMMMMPPPPHHHHH!"

Both Tendo girls suddenly redoubled their frantic efforts to escape from their bonds, but to no avail.

_** 'It's a small world after all, It's a small world after all...'**_

It was going to be a very long flight.

** -End Chapter 10**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
-Omake-Omake-Omake-  
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

-Sagara Sympathy Omake

"So Saotome, how did you manage to survive SHEVAC?"

"She married me."

"Oh, a slow death then. My condolences."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-  
-Doomy Dooms of Doom Omake

Tsuruko Aoyama curled up in the hotel bed, studying the photobook in her hands with a smile on her face.

It was so good of little Setsuna to keep her Senpai informed about interesting developments.  
And judging from these pictures, Negi Springfield looked to be developing very well indeed.

Perhaps there would be more then one wedding in the near future.

Far away in Mahora Campus, a boy mage and a bird tribe maiden shivered in their sleep.


End file.
